Lee says:

I think we got this an an off-anon and on-anon ask by accident? 

There’s no real way to “appear nonbinary” because non-binary people can look like anything! Some are male-passing, some are female-passing, and some are androgenous, and there are AFAB and AMAB folks in each three of those categories.

I’m non-binary too, and I had originally wanted “confuse cis strangers on the street” androgyny, but it wasn’t exactly what I ended up getting as I transitioned.

I had wanted people to not gender me at all or automatically use gender neutral terms for me without me having to come out for every interaction, but instead I ended up getting gendered as male 50% of the time and gendered as female 50% of the time.

It’s really hard to pass as non-binary- I’ve found that strangers who can’t tell what gender you are sometimes refer to you with (maybe randomly chosen) gendered pronouns and gendered terms anyway because they’re stuck in a binary mindset and don’t know what else to do.

Or they become hostile, so you might find yourself getting shouted at when you enter the women’s locker room, and if you go to the men’s locker room they might tell you to leave too.

It’s therefore almost impossible to consistently pass as non-binary, whether or not you’re out, because you can’t pass as something that people aren’t even aware exists.

I didn’t really like that- while being gendered as female and male in equal parts might be as close to androgyny as I could get, I was dysphoric when people saw me as a girl. Some people’s ideal presentation is being able to switch between passing as male or female, but it just wasn’t right for me.

In the end, I came out to everyone as nonbinary when I was 15, and now I’m gendered correctly by all my friends and coworkers and classmates, and after a few years, by most of my family too. 

Now I’m almost 21, and I’m on T, I’ve had top surgery and a hysterectomy, and I tend to present myself in a masculine way because I’d rather strangers gender me as male than as female. 

I still identify as nonbinary and I’m out as non-binary in all areas of my life, but I feel like “choosing a side” to present on is a choice I’ve had to make myself or strangers would choose it for me, and being misgendered as female feels wrong and hurts me more than being gendered as male, which feels neutral.

I’ve accepted that being correctly gendered by those close to me is going to be the closest I get to appearing non-binary,  even though in an ideal world I’d be able to have people automatically use gender neutral terms for me and pass as non-binary.

But I’m a pessimistic sort, and everyone is different, so maybe you’ll find a way to appear non-binary without coming out! I have met some people who are wonderfully androgynous, and I really don’t mean to be discouraging here when I share my personal experience.

If you’re AMAB, you should try some of the stuff in the Transfeminine resources! People do tend to find that it’s more androgynous to balance the feminine with masculine. So amab people trying to be androgynous might move toward the feminine side to counter any masculine secondary sex characteristics you might have and try growing out your hair, shaving your face, wearing feminine clothes, painting your nails, etc.

If you’re AFAB, try the stuff in our Transmasculine resources! That’s because if you have a feminine secondary sex characteristics in your body/voice/face, you’ll want a masculine haircut and clothing and probably binding or wearing a sports bra will help too, because people tend to look at a chest and instantly think “female” so that’s something that needs to be smushed down a lil.

And some people may choose low-dose hormones to get to a more neutral looking place! This isn’t something you’re likely doing right now since you haven’t gotten to the coming out part of your transition and people eventually tend to notice if you’re on hormones, but I’ll mention it anyway.

But again, a common misconception is gender neutral = non-binary = androgynous , but there’s no one way to be non-binary, and no particular way that non-binary people have to present.

Some non-binary people look like men, some look like women, and some look androgynous, and there’s plenty of nb folk who are somewhere in between. Being non-binary is about what you feel your gender identity is, not what your gender expression is.

So the whole concept of “appearing non-binary” is based on the stereotype that there’s a particular way that nb people have to look, which is invalidating to all the non-binary people who don’t look like that. But of course, trans men and women asking about looking male or looking female know the same thing- there’s no one way for men or for women to look, and saying men-only-look-like-this is a narrow and invalidating message to be giving out. 

So we have to recognize that “passing” as your gender is entirely based on stereotypes, while also admitting that passing is something that affects our everyday lives and can affect our comfort, mental health, and safety, so there’s nothing wrong with wanting to pass. And that’s just a lil something I always have to say.

Followers, any tips on appearing nonbinary when you’re closeted?

Kai says:

If you mean going on lower dose T, your changes will still happen, but slower. So if you go on low dose T for a long time you’d likely still get all the changes with T but just have them come in slower. You may choose to go off T at any time though, you would just need to talk to your doctor about it. Some changes will revert and some will stay (see our testosterone faq)

Also, so long as your estrogen levels are sufficiently low and suppressed by being on T, then you likely would not have a period. If your estrogen levels are not as low, then you may still have periods.

Lee says:

I was on low-dose T and my periods didn’t stop until I went off low-dose and changed to a higher dose of T. 

I decided to get a hysterectomy to stop my periods permanently regardless of my hormone levels. but you don’t need to go to those lengths if you didn’t want a hysto in the first place, you can also try some forms of birth control.

The TTSG mods say:

Hi anon! Unfortunately, your ask has been sitting in our inbox for awhile now and none of the mods are quite sure how to answer it or don’t have enough time to give your ask the answer it deserves.

However, we really like your question, so we’re going to hand this over to the followers and hope that one of them can help you. You can also check out our Other trans resource blogs page and re-ask your question to someone else, as different blogs have different specialties.

We’re sorry we couldn’t be of more help, but we have over a three thousand asks in our inbox, and we have to clear it out for a fresh start in the new year. We hope a follower or another blog can provide more assistance.

Kii says:

From our nonbinary resources:

Lee says:

Androgyne is a gender identity, androgynous is a gender expression.

Lee says:Androgyne is a gender identity, androgynous is a gender expression.

Devon says:

You will probably find our transmasculine resources and our nonbinary resources helpful! Both of those links have information about hair, clothes, makeup, and other stuff related to gender presentation.

I’m not sure what you mean by low key androgynous-- Do you mean slightly androgynous (and more masculine [or] and more feminine), or do you mean like androgynous but you’re closeted?

If the info you’re looking for isn’t in one of the above links, send another ask clarifying what you mean!

Kii says:

If you appear feminine now, using some of the tips from our transmasculine resources might be helpful! We also have androgyny tips in our nonbinary resources.

Lee says:

If you only have to have long hair for certain theatre performances then it might be worth just cutting your hair since you’ll be able to wear it short 90% of the time and then wear a wig during the play. In addition, wearing more masculine clothing from the men’s department of stores and starting to pack might help. We have a few Androgyny + dysphoria tips to look at as well!

You can check out our Transmasculine resources and Non-binary resources for more info!

Kai says:

I totally understand this and feel this. That’s totally valid and chill. I presented really masc for a while because I didn’t want to be seen as a girl, but am now starting to let myself express femininity more and be truer to myself.

Kii says:

We have info on this in our nonbinary resources!

Lee says:

The wanting to look more androgynous part sounds like dysphoria, the being afraid of cutting your hair sounds more like anxiety.

Our Getting short hair post has a link on Haircut anxiety, and our Dysphoria page has info on forms of dysphoria.

Lee says:

Taking testosterone and estrogen would cancel each other out and be bad for your bod, so you should never be taking both.

You can take low-dose estrogen if you’re AMAB and want to transition slowly so you can stop at a point when you feel you’re androgynous enough.

Taking estrogen will reduce your sperm count, although it should rise again if you stop taking hormones. If you want to preserve your fertility, you should look into banking your sperm.

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/estrogenfaq

Lee says:

Your only hormone options are testosterone and estrogen. You can try taking a low dose of T or E for a shorter period of time to get some changes so you look more androgynous, but there isn’t a third hormone for androgynous people.

Lee says:

I’ve heard androgyne as the gender identity, and androgynous as the gender expression!

Lee says:

I’m afab and nb and on low dose T! It depends on what you’re looking for when you say androgynous, but the info below might help:

“I want X changes but not Y. Help!

How do I know if HRT is right for me? T is not a pick and mix, you can’t get some changes and not others, and as a result you have to weigh up the pros and cons as to how much you want T. It’s all or nothing, although you can take it slow with Low Dose Testosterone and have the changes happen slower, so you can stop when you’ve had enough. Read more: Can you take testosterone and not end up all manly?”

-Our Testosterone FAQ