Lee says:

First, make sure your mom is on the same page with you since she already knows that you’re trans.

Make it clear to her that you’re going to be staying in the closet when you stay with your dad because you’re afraid that he’ll hurt you if he finds out and you won’t be able to call the police in the area you’ll be staying in, so you don’t want her to tell him that you’re trans, or do anything that’ll hint at it or give it away, like using your chosen name or your pronouns. 

Make sure she understands that you’re doing this for your safety, and get her to verbally agree to not out you. This is an important step.

Then, reach out to the online friends. If they ever correspond with you by mail, ask them to use your birth name on any letters or packages they send.

Next, I’d work on your technology. Go to the settings on your phone, and change it so any emails or text messages and so on either don’t show up on your home screen as notifications, or show up but don’t show previews of the message. That way you won’t be outed if you happen to leave the phone locked on the table, go out of the room for a minute, and he sees a text with your chosen name in it. 

Before you intentionally show him anything on your phone or computer, turn “Do not disturb” on so any incoming messages at that time won’t pop up on the top of the screen and out you.

Change your name on the log in screen back to your birthname and make sure your email signature and account name show your birthname if you email him. Keep all your social media accounts private so he can’t find you online easily.

Finally, pack wisely. If you’re afraid that you’ll be in danger if he finds out that you’re trans, you should leave anything that might out you behind. If you want to stay firmly in the closet, don’t bring any clothing that might draw suspicions, don’t bring a binder or breast forms, don’t bring something that has the trans pride flag colors, don’t bring gaffs or packers, don’t bring any items that have your chosen name, etc. 

If you take enough precautions, you should be able to stay safe during the summer and stay in the closet, but you should also have a back-up plan in place for what you’d do if he does turn violent and starts being abusive about this or about something else.

First, if you can, temporarily remove yourself from the situation (ie run) and get out of the house. Go on a walk or get on the bus or go to a nearby store or gas station. This will give him time to cool off, and you time to plan. What would you have to do to get back to where your mom is? If you can’t get back to her place, are there any other people you know who live near your dad? If you can’t call the police, I’d call your mom and see if she has any advice as to what step you should take next.

Followers, anything to add here?

urgent (2/2) I want to know if there’s any way that,, I don’t know? The law could protect me maybe? Because my parents are generally emotionally abusive and manipulative. Is there some miraculous way I could be able to make them loose custody of me? Or at least make it so they don’t have control over my actions (medically or otherwise)? I don’t know, maybe I’m being too hopeful but I genuinely can’t see myself surviving for much longer if this keeps up. I’m in Greece. Sorry for bothering.”

Lee says:

I honestly can’t figure out what the laws are in Greece, but if you’re a minor who is being abused you usually have a few options, like becoming an emancipated minor if you can prove that you’re supporting yourself, or having the government remove you from your home to live in a group home if the child protective services there deem there to be a credible threat to your safety and wellbeing at home. 

But be aware- it won’t be an easy road for you, and if you can’t get proof that they’re abusing you then the child protective services likely won’t do any more than recommended family therapy at most. And your family may react very negatively when they’re interviewed and find out that someone has accused them of being abusive- this may put you in even more danger. I’ve had a lot of friends who were in unsafe homes but decided to stay in their home and spend almost all their hours at work or at school or in the library so they don’t actually go home until it’s time to sleep. Sometimes that’s the best path for someone- and other times, it’s best to get the government involved. I’ve also had friends who were removed from their homes and put in group homes run by the state.

I’d talk to a trusted adult outside your family about the emotional abuse. We’re teens and college students on this blog, not professionals. If you go to school then you should talk to a teacher or guidance counselor, and if you aren’t able to go to school then look on your school’s website for their contact info and email them even if they aren’t in session. Talking to adults and asking for help can be anxiety-producing, but if you’re being abused and you think that getting out is the best path for you, then it’s important to reach out for help anyway. Talk in person, text, email, write a letter and hand it to them, whatever you gotta do, just get the info on what’s happening to you across. It may help to have a friend there for moral support. 

You likely won’t be able to get the courts to revoke your parents legal guardianship over you if the only thing they did is tell you that you have to act like a girl while living with them, you’d have to prove there’s other serious abuse occurring. You should start documenting any abuse that you’re going through right now which can help prove whatever they’re doing, and if you can get voice recordings using the memos app on your phone that’s even better.

If you’re having mental health problems as a result of the abuse, I’d look into the links in our Mental health page! We have a lot of info on coping with distress and depression while you try to survive to 18- there are a lot of trans people who don’t have supportive parents and have to wait until 18 to transition, so we’ve addressed it on the blog a lot in the past.

I personally don’t know the extent of the abuse you’re going through, but being having a parent who won’t allow you to wear masculine clothes or medically transition isn’t usually considered abusive behavior in the eyes of the law. I’d look into becoming an emancipated minor instead- you may have better luck with the courts in that area if you can prove you’re economically self-sufficient and your parents aren’t supporting you. I’m sorry I couldn’t help more, and I’m sorry you’re going through this- nobody deserves to be mistreated.

These links may be useful:

Followers, if anyone is in Greece and knows more info that can help anon, please add on!

(Re: this post)

Lee says:

You should make it clear to your mom that she needs to take action on your behalf- be as direct and upfront as you can, and repeat in however many ways as you can that you need to leave, you need to leave soon, and she needs to make it happen since she’s the parent.

Write/text/call her and say something like “Hi, you said I can live with you and I really want to do that, as soon as possible. Can you buy me a plane ticket/drive here to pick me up this weekend? I want a firm and concrete plan of when I’m going to be moving in with you, and how my stuff is going to get from this house to your house. If you need to hire a lawyer so the court will recognize you have custody over me, please look into doing that. I’m not in a good situation here (elaborate on why it’s unsafe for you), and you’re the parent so I want you to do whatever it is that you need to do to get me out of here as quickly as possible.” 

Talk to your mom every day and ask where she is in the process of helping you move, and how long you should expect until move out day. Keep reminding her!

Documenting abuse:

What to do:

Coping:

Lee says:

There’s a chance your parents are all bark and no bite and won’t actually try to do it, but in my experience with hospitalization, you won’t be admitted into a psychiatric ward for being trans.

If your parents are honest about what they’re doing because they genuinely believe that you identifying as trans is you showing psychotic symptoms, and they tell the doctor or nurses you see at intake that they’re trying to hospitalize you in an attempt to “fix” you so you aren’t trans anymore or that you’re psychotic but the only symptom you have is thinking you’re a man, there’s a very low chance you’ll be admitted.

If your parents lie about why they think you’re believing in delusions and make up fake symptoms, there’s a chance that the doctor will believe them over you. But even then, I don’t think you’d be hospitalized for very long, because in that situation they’d be trying to do a brief hospitalization to stabilize you and maybe start medication (sort of a catch and release type thing) and it would be obvious from what you tell them and your behavior that you don’t need long-term residential care. 

Whenever you see a psychologist who is evaluating you, make it clear that you will not voluntarily consent to being hospitalized, and your parents are trying to hospitalize you because you’re transgender. Repeat this to every single adult you speak to from the emergency room to the ward and so on. You’ll have a better chance of getting out quickly if you do this, so make sure you repeat that to literally everyone you see.

If you are admitted to a psychiatric ward, you’ll get a packet of info on the first day that should have helpful information, and you can request to call the patient advocate person. I forget what they’re called, I don’t have the packet I got with me, but look through the packet and request to call whatever patient advocates are listed! If a patient advocate isn’t listed, then tell the staff you want to call a patient advocate and ask them to find the number. Keep asking if the request gets lost when shifts change.

Hospitalization won’t be that bad, esp if you aren’t mentally ill- it’s not the end of the world. Think of it as a really really boring short vacation, you’re in a room for a long time with not much to do and they won’t let you watch PG-13 movies. You’ll probably be allowed to color in your room since you won’t be a risk for doing something bad with the supplies. I spent a Lot of time coloring and looking out the window. 

Here’s more on what to expect- read through all of them!

As noted, we’re teens too so I’d talk to an adult outside your family about this. Tomorrow is a school day, so if you go to school then you should talk to a teacher or guidance counselor, and if you aren’t able to go to school tomorrow then look on the school’s website for their contact info and email them. If you’re homeschooled, then contact another family member like an aunt or uncle or someone who you think might support you and tell them what’s happening. 

I’d defs tell an adult (if not multiple adults) about this situation before it gets worse and your parents take steps towards hospitalizing you. Talking to adults and asking for help can be anxiety-producing, but if you think that this is a legitimate threat that your parents are going to follow through with then it’s important to reach out for help anyway. Talk in person, text, email, write a letter and hand it to them, whatever you gotta do, just get this info across. It may help to have a friend there for moral support.

As far as what you should do if you’ve been hospitalized and get out:

Coping:

Documenting abuse:

What to do:

TW: mental health/suicidal ideation in this next part where I talk about my personal experience with the hospitalization process

Kii says:

I don’t have trauma about this specifically but I do have trauma related to something similar so hopefully this is helpful. However, if anyone has an experience like this, feel free to add on.

I’ve found that finding new associations for potentially upsetting topics is the most useful thing to do! So, make some new trans friends so you can associate trans-ness with something good. 

You can also try to single out specific aspects of gender stuff that are upsetting to you and avoid those specifically, or find alternatives. Sometimes the alternatives can have the same ending effect, but doing them slightly differently might help your brain not make that connection. (So, for example, if you want to try men’s underwear but your ex wore boxers, you could try briefs or boxer briefs instead. If your ex wore a full tank binder but you want a binder, try a half tank binder or a binder in a different color than they had. If you want to try makeup and your ex always wore red lipstick, pick a different color lipstick or skip lipstick altogether and wear other types of makeup instead.) 

If you have access to a therapist, that could also be helpful. We also have a page of mental health resources, and @mentalillnessmouse is a blog that specializes in mental health help.

Kii says:

Here’s a post about hiding things. Try and keep any trans-related things as hidden as possible, and have a story prepared in case your parents find things (ex: be ready to say a binder is a compression shirt/sports bra, you’re holding things for a friend, etc). Look into doing trans-related journaling online instead of on paper, on a blog/document only you have access to. (I recommend a Gmail/Google Drive that’s not connected to any other account and you access in an incognito browser). You can retype what is in your past notebooks or scan the pages in, and then get rid of the notebooks or keep them at school. 

Here is a masterpost of abuse resources. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you choose to report abuse or not, but if you’re worried about being put in more harm or not having a place to live, I would recommend at least beginning to document the abuse, even if you don’t show it to anyone now. That way, if you change your mind, it will be easier to prove abuse later.

Here’s a post about being kicked out. I would recommend looking into local shelters in your area and having as much of a plan as possible in case you suddenly have to leave home.

Kii says:

If you’re a minor and living in an abusive situation, especially if there’s physical abuse going on, you should document the abuse and go to a trusted adult (teacher, school nurse, one of your supportive family members, etc) and tell them about it. If you’re closeted to the person you want to tell, you don’t have to tell them about the reasons for the abuse. If possible, you should also see if there’s a way for you to stay with a friend or family member ASAP.

We have more information about abuse here.

Kii says:

Asking about your body when you’ve expressed discomfort about it is not okay. Lying in a relationship is not okay. Manipulation is not okay and is also definitely a sign of emotional abuse. I would recommend ending the relationship as soon as it is safely possible for you to do so, or contact local domestic violence resources if you are in a situation where you feel unsafe breaking up with him.

Kii says:

I would highly recommend reporting to your school and/or the police that he’s being physically abused, and encouraging him to report it as well, and compiling a list of youth shelters in your area that you can give to him. You can also share some of these resources with him. If you are able to prepare an emergency housing location for him, or can connect with someone who has room to do that, that could also be helpful. 

Lee says:

I’d say in the vast majority of cases, abuse doesn’t cause being trans- not all abuse survivors are trans, so it couldn’t be true. Being trans is just how you are! I personally am a trans survivor and I don’t think my gender is because of that, and many others feel that the trauma they went though doesn’t have anything to do with their gender. 

However, I know that some people feel that trauma has affected their gender identity, since I’ve heard of folks identifying as Caedogender/Caedgender, or Traumatgender/Traumatagender/Trautgender/Trauatgender which are neurogenders related to trauma. No matter what formed your gender identity, it’s still a valid one, and you’re still trans. 

Lee says:Yes, we have some resources on abuse in the link below! Specific follow-up questions about it that aren’t trans related should be sent to a mental health blog like @mentalillnessmouse though.

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/164871681225/abuse-coping-how-to-cope-if-your-parents-are

Kii says:

If you’re going to have proof of abuse in court, I would assume that only your mother would have custody of you, and therefore only she would have to consent to T.

Lee says:

I don’t know of any abuse-specific blogs (followers, if you know any please comment!) but I do have a few resources linked below that might help, and I know @mentalillnessmouse is a mental health blog that sometimes touches on the topic of abuse!

Documenting abuse:

What to do:

Coping:

Followers, if you know of any blogs about abusive relationships that might be able to help anon, please reply to this post!

Kii says:

Here’s a post that should be helpful: https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/166747994605/tw-abuse-ah-so-i-dont-know-what-to-do-and-its

Lee says:

Certain professionals called “mandated reporters”are required by law to report instances ofsuspected child abuse and /or neglect to DCF.These professionals include teachers, day careproviders, social workers, doctors, nurses,dentists, psychologists, psychiatrists, police,and firefighters. If you tell someone at school about what’s happening at home, they can file a report which starts the process of a possible investigation into your family. 

The DCF will have to decide if the report sounds serious or not, and then they’ll investigate in about 5 to 15 days and then they may remove you from your home if they think you’re being abused or in danger and the judge agrees. They’ll have temporary emergency custody over you, and then there will be a meeting and they might make a plan after you all meet that requires your parents to take parenting or angermanagement classes, go to counseling,find suitable housing, or submit to drugor alcohol screens if they want you back again. If the DCF finds that your parents are emotionally abusive and shouldn’t get you back, they can start to work to get you moved in with a different family member, or to foster care or a group home after they do some legal stuff. 

In the US, you can call the National Runaway Safeline at 1-800-786-2929 (1-800-RUNAWAY) and they can help you figure out next steps or potential shelters, and in Mass I think there’s a Child-at-Risk Hotline at 800-792-5200 

Helpful links: