Lee says:

One of the reasons people often struggle with questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation is because they have a certain mental self-conception of who they are and it can be difficult to shift that view. If you've always thought that you were an X, and maybe you've even found community and solidarity in being an X, it can be hard to suddenly realize that maybe you're actually a Y.

In my personal experience, as someone who did actually identify as a lesbian for a number of years, I did have a similar experience as what you're describing. I was completely unaware of the LGBTQ+ community in elementary school and I didn't even know that lesbians existed until middle school.

I know there's a lot of 'discourse' on the concept of compulsory heterosexuality, but that term kind of describes what I experienced as someone who had grown up just assuming I was straight because it didn't occur to me that there were any other options.

After I realized that being gay was A Thing That Is Possible, I still thought of it as something that other people did. I had a lot of internalized homophobia because I learned about being gay from peers who made jokes about hoping there were no lesbians in the locker room. I hadn't met any other LGBTQ+ person at all in real life who had come out to me.

This was genuinely not that long ago, but it was still a particular moment of time when middle schoolers often said "That's so gay" as an insult, we debated about whether same-sex marriage should be legalized in classes and explicitly homophobic statements were normalized, and casually throwing around the f-slur was much more common than it is now (although it still happens, those saying it tend to know that they're being offensive and say it to purposefully be edgy and offend).

So two big things had to combine for me to figure out my sexual orientation-- 1) I had started to go though puberty & experience sexual attraction for the first time, so that was a big component, and 2) I had also learned that a label for what I was experiencing existed.

When both of those criteria were met, it still took a while to put two and two together and figure out that maybe I was attracted to women and then even longer to actually admit it to myself that I was a lesbian and actually accept myself and let go of the shame/internalized homophobia.

I was the first person to come out publicly in my grade at school which wasn't always easy, but being an advocate and activist was a big part of my journey because standing up for my community helped me to grow into a "loud and proud" embrace of my own identity.

Being a lesbian was a really big part of who I was, and the lesbian community was a lifeline for me when I felt alone and needed to have a community and connection to others and see that there was hope for the kind of future I wanted to have.

That meant it was really difficult for me to start the journey of self-exploration and questioning again. I knew who I was! I had fought for it! Everyone else knew too! How could I reconsider, after all that energy and time I put into insisting I was a lesbian? What would happen to my place in the community?

When I came out as non-binary, I kept identifying as a lesbian for a while because I didn't want to let go of an identifier that was so meaningful to me, or a community that had formed part of my sense of self and my cultural references. Long-time followers might remember that I introduced myself as a genderqueer lesbian in my first post on this blog!

But eventually, I decided that I no longer felt comfortable self-identifying as a lesbian because it felt like I was trying to hold onto something that wasn't mine anymore. I couldn't reconcile strenuously rejecting being categorized as female in any way while also claiming a spot in the lesbian community.

I'm not passing judgement on anyone else's decision to identify as a non-binary lesbian-- everyone's gender/identity/experiences are different-- but personally, I felt that my sexual orientation label was in conflict with my newly found gender identity categorization as a transmasculine person.

Being a lesbian just didn't feel comfortable for me anymore, it didn't feel like my home anymore. And that hurt! It was my decision to change the labels I used, and I still feel that it was and is the right choice for me, but that doesn't make it any easier to feel like you're giving up a part of who you are.

So I get it, because I've been there. I understand why you might be afraid of something that might cause you to lose that piece of your identity and your community. But even if it happens, I promise you'll be fine in the end. I came through to the other end and I'm doing better than ever because I'm happy with my body and who I am.

What you gain through hormonal transition is often worth the discomfort/stress/etc of questioning gender/sexuality labels again-- if medically transitioning is the right path for you. While I am biased because of my own experience, I am also the first to admit that medical transitioning isn't right for everyone and that's okay and valid.

I was pretty depressed pre-medical transition and knew that medical transition was something that I needed to do, although I didn't always know exactly what transition options I wanted as my goals shifted over the course of my transition. But for me, seeking medical transitioning wasn't a choice, it was a necessity for my mental health.

If you feel similarly, and know that medically transitioning is going to improve your quality of life, then it is probably the right path for you, even if it means giving up a fragment of your identity and losing a community you used to belong to because you will (hopefully) be gaining peace of mind and an ability to live your daily life without feeling crushed by gender dysphoria.

Ultimately, you have to decide what is most important to you-- taking hormones and getting to have a body that you're comfortable with and exist in for the rest of your life, or trying to freeze your sexual orientation in place because you're afraid of change (which can be valid-- as I explained, I also felt like the decision to let go of the lesbian community was really tough and it can be a real loss!).

However, it's important to remember that changes in sexual orientation on HRT aren't guaranteed or universally experienced. Sexuality can be fluid for some people and changes (if they occur) may be more about discovering new aspects of oneself rather than losing existing traits. For others, HRT brings a greater alignment between their emotional state and physical body, which can clarify feelings that were always present but perhaps obscured.

I've seen people immediately try to smack down the idea that taking hormones can change someone's sexual orientation, and that's also not right-- I believe that is invalidating to those who do feel that their sexual orientation changed after hormones. It's good to remember that while hormones can influence feelings or attractions, they don't redefine your core identity. You are still the same person, even as some aspects of your experience might shift.

There are many reasons why someone might change their label after starting hormones. Some people may have had certain attractions they didn't feel comfortable acknowledging or expressing until they felt comfortable in their body and life and gender roles etc, but after they started hormones and grew comfortable with themself, they also became comfortable with the idea that maybe they had certain attractions that they didn't recognize before.

For example, I once spoke to a trans man who didn't feel attracted to women before hormones because he felt so dysphoric comparing his body to theirs that it overwhelmed all his other feelings on them until after he started T and became comfortable with his own body. It felt like he had a sudden change in his sexual orientation because all of a sudden he became attracted to features on women that formerly had only had triggered his own dysphoria. That's just one example-- there are, as you seem to have seen online, multiple folks who have shared their experiences about how hormones have affected their sexuality and sexual orientation.

The article Research Shows Many Trans Folks' Sexual Attractions Change After Transition is a great read if you're looking for more information about folks who feel that taking hormones changed their sexual orientation.

But as I mentioned, taking hormones won't necessarily change your sexual orientation. I wasn't attracted to men before I started testosterone, and now that I'm on testosterone... I'm still not attracted to men! Testosterone did not change my sexual orientation one bit.

While there are definitely folks who report feeling that their sexual orientation shifts after starting hormones, there are also many people (like me) who have a pretty consistent orientation over the years. It's totally valid and normal to experience anxiety/fear/concern about major changes to your life, and you aren't 'wrong' for worrying about how hormones might change your life and identity. Holding onto your identity as a lesbian can be a significant and empowering anchor.

Your feelings are always valid, but if these fears about losing yourself become overwhelming, it can help to speak with a mental health professional like a therapist who can help you work through them and help guide you to weigh your options.

I don't really have a ton of advice other than to say that I've been there too. Although we obviously don't have exactly the same journey, I shared my experiences because I feel like a lot of us go though similar things, even if it's not exactly the same, and it can be useful to connect with other folks who have navigated the experience of choosing a transition path that has the potential to lead to a change in the label they use for their sexual orientation.

I would recommend thinking about what changes you hope to get from being on estrogen. It can be really helpful to consider what you would like to look like in 5 years or 10 years, and what you hope transitioning medically will do for your mental health and your life. You can make a list of the physical changes (e.g. increase in breast growth) and emotional changes (e.g. reduction in gender dysphoria) that you hope to undergo after starting hormones.

In your message to us, you only listed your fears-- you didn't note any of the reasons that you're interested in hormones at all. When you're exclusively focusing on the potential negatives (losing part of your identity/community) you aren't considering the potential positives which may be significant. Take some time to reflect on your feelings about your gender and body, not just your sexual orientation label.

In your case, you have one hypothetical negative to starting estrogen (potentially becoming attracted to men) which isn't a guaranteed outcome. Does that risk outweigh the other changes that you will experience on hormones?

Thinking about what you can do to bring your current-you closer to your ideal future-you might help you to make a decision today, if that makes sense. You will often have to make decisions in life that have trade-offs. You rarely face options that make you choose between something that is 100% perfect and something that is 100% awful. Usually things are more shades of grey.

When all's said and done, I'd like you to remember that you're not alone-- Many folks in the trans community have also dealt with changing their sexual orientation labels at some point or another during their transition so there is community out there for you to lean on, and seeing a therapist can also help you talk through your options regarding starting hormones.

I'm confident that you'll find the right path for your needs and identity-- and there's no rush! Everyone has a different journey.

Followers, feel free to add on!

Lee says:

My younger sister is a hair-care fanatic and one thing she swears by are silk pillowcases, but they can be expensive. I used to wear a satin sleeping cap when I had longer hair, so that or a silk durag might help if you're on a budget. Either way, you need to sleep with either something on your head or with a special pillowcase if you want to reduce friction so your hair will be less dry and frizzy. If you don't have a protective hairstyle in like braids, twists, locs, etc it can also keep your hair from getting too tangled.

It's been a long time since I had long hair so I've forgotten a lot, but I remember using coconut and jojoba oil sort of like leave-in conditioner. My sister has a giant bag of hair stuff that she uses to condition and clean her hair so it all depends on how involved you want to make it. You shouldn't shampoo your hair every time you shower, but you can wash it with water and condition it more often. You should try using a sulfate-free shampoo and conditioner that's meant for your hair type.

I was not an expert in this area even when I did have long hair, so I would recommend that you seek out online communities, forums, and social media groups dedicated to hair care for your hair type.

If you have type 2A hair you will likely need to follow a different hair care routine than someone with type 4C hair, for example, and someone who wears their hair in box braids or straightens or dyes their hair is going to have different hair-care needs than someone who wears their hair naturally in a ponytail or Afro on a typical daily basis, so the products, tools, and frequency of actions will vary depending on what kind of hair you have and what style you keep it in.

If you feel overwhelmed by diving into the online world of hair care, it can sometimes be easier to schedule an appointment with a hairstylist who specializes in your hair type and texture. They can provide personalized recommendations for products, styling techniques, and maintenance routines tailored to your individual needs.

It can help to find a hairdresser who has worked with other LGBTQ+ clients if possible so you can feel comfortable in the space. If you have friends who have a similar type of hair as you do, ask them what they do to maintain it and who they see!

Followers, please help us out here-- give anon some tips on maintaining clean, soft, and fluffy hair!

Followers say:

dixy says: i have long curly hair, honestly i feel like a lot of it for shampoo and conditioner is trial & error. i tried one of the brands recommended on the curly hair holy grail list but i think the shampoo might be drying out my hair a bit so i plan to switch back to love beauty & planet shampoo. letting your hair air dry is also quite good for it

aroaloe says: I don't have curly hair myself but my partner does and we've been working on finding a way for her hair to grow out and not get damaged. The biggest thing is a leave-in conditioner. After the shower when the hair is damp but not too wet, you add the leave-in and comb in through with your fingers from the tips to the scalp, then gently scrunch the hair to help encourage prominent curls. Hair stays a little oily feeling for a few hours but after that is super light + soft

Lee says:

I absolutely love this answer! Thank you anon!

Lee says:

Experiencing feelings of doubt or questioning like you're "faking it" can be part of the process for many people as they explore their gender identity.

This doesn't invalidate your experiences or your identity; sometimes it's a reflection of navigating a complex personal journey within a society that has rigid norms about gender.

Having doubts is normal, and many people who come out as trans continue to identify as trans throughout their lives, even if they initially had some discomfort getting used to their new identity and occasionally felt like they were faking it.

There are also some folks who feel like they're faking it and while they may not be intentionally faking an identity, that kernel of discomfort and wrongness may be a clue that something isn't quite right yet, whether it's their particular label, their gender expression, their pronouns, or their feelings about the gender roles they feel pressure to inhabit. I'm not saying that this is the case for you-- it seems like it likely isn't-- but I do feel that it's also important to acknowledge that not everyone who questions their gender will ultimately identify as transgender.

There should be no shame in questioning your gender, trying on new labels for a while, even coming out to friends to see how it feels to use the new label/pronouns/name, etc but ultimately reidentifying. The process of exploring one's gender identity is deeply personal and unique to each individual and there's nothing wrong with someone realizing that they aren't trans after all.

I'm writing all of that because I think this type of ask is often sent by folks wanting to know whether what they're feeling is normal because they're seeking reassurance that they're trans.

But we're not really here to reassure you that you're trans. We don't know you! Only you know your gender. If I tried to reassure you by saying "oh yeah I know for sure that you're trans, don't worry!" it would be beyond my scope as someone who is not-you.

I can tell you that it's normal to feel that way, that many other trans folks have felt that way, and that you will find your path eventually. It can be hard to figure it all out, but don't stress! Everyone always seems to have this super big sense of internal urgency, but it's okay to not be 100% certain of your gender identity, and to feel that way for months or even years.

Be patient with yourself. Understanding your gender identity is a journey, and it's okay to take your time. There's no rush to figure everything out immediately or to fit into any particular box. Trust yourself, and allow your journey to unfold in a way that feels authentic to you. All that being said, your current identity is valid, regardless of whether it shifts over time.

It's super common to have feelings of doubt and wrongness and feelings of faking it at the start of a transition, and that doesn't necessarily have to overshadow the joy and happiness that you experience when you're called by your preferred name. That gender euphoria you described is super real!

Seeking support can be incredibly helpful. This might include talking to friends who understand and support your journey, joining support groups for people exploring their gender identity, or finding a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues. These resources can provide a space to discuss your feelings, explore your identity, and receive support from others who have had similar experiences. Your feelings and experiences are real, and they deserve acknowledgment and respect.

Anons say:

(See follow-up post here!)

Lee says:

Happy (Very very) early birthday! If you're still a year away from being 18 you have plenty of time to figure this out.

You should start by talking to your primary care physician and ask if they are knowledgeable about gender-affirming care and are willing to prescribe you HRT themselves. If they are not experienced with HRT for gender-affirming reasons, ask them to look into it and refer you to a healthcare provider who is.

While you're waiting for your appointment (often it can be at least a month away even if you schedule the first available date) use that time wisely and go out into the world (And internet) and talk to people! There must be at least ONE other trans person in your state who is on hormones, right? You just have to find ONE other trans person in your state who is on hormones (and trust me-- there's more than just one trans person on hormones in your state! But all you need is one person), then find out where they're getting their prescription from!

Online platforms can be a great resource for shared experiences and advice so I'd just start by googling "transgender [insert hormone name] in [insert state]" until you find the right key terms. You might also be able to find something on Reddit or through Facebook groups.

Additionally, going to trans support groups and meeting people there and asking your trans friends to ask their friends, etc can all be a good way to find a provider through word-of-mouth.

Another thing you can try is contacting LGBTQ+ centers or organizations in your state and seeing if they have any recommendations. Even if Planned Parenthood's local branch doesn't offer HRT services, they may have a lists of trans-friendly healthcare providers or clinics that do, so it could still be worth reaching out to them.

If you're planning on attending college or university, check if the campus health center provides HRT or can refer you to local resources that do. Some college health centers offer comprehensive services for transgender students, but unfortunately most do not.

Many healthcare providers now offer telehealth services for transgender patients looking to start or continue HRT. These services can be particularly helpful if you live in an area with limited access to transgender healthcare. Providers like Folx Health, Plume, and QueerDoc offer gender-affirming care to patients in many states, all through telehealth platforms.

There's more info on starting hormones in this post, and you should take a look at that too.

Finally, I'm guessing that you don't have much experience with adulting which is fine because everyone starts somewhere! I was in the same position as you once. I also started to look into starting T when I was 17 and got everything ready (appointments scheduled for after my birthday, letter of support since it wasn't fully informed consent, lab work done the month before I was 18, etc), but didn't actually start hormones until I was 18.

Everyone has a different path through life, but this may be your first time scheduling doctor's appointments for yourself, signing up for a patient portal, getting your own health insurance (unless your parents support you being on HRT and wouldn't boot your off of their coverage), paying for appointment and prescription and lab work copays, etc.

Since you have a year until you're actually 18, it would be a good idea to start getting prepped for your first dive into the healthcare system as a legal-adult-even-if-it-doesn't-always-feel-that-way and google the basics of having and using health insurance. There's a lot of words you're going to need to learn one day (what's a deductible vs an out of pocket maximum vs an allowed amount etc) and this is as good of a time as any to start learning some of those basics (The advanced level is learning how to appeal denied claims, etc).

You got this anon! You're clearly on the right track by starting to investigate the process of starting HRT in advance, and remember that starting HRT as an adult also comes with adult responsibilities like figuring out how to pay for it! When you're thinking through the logistics of finding an in-network prescriber, don't forget to budget for those things too.

Followers, any tips for anon?

Lee says:

I would start off by exploring your menstrual product options which can make it easier to cope with having your period.

Period underwear is probably the easiest product to use because you already know how to wear underwear so you don't have to worry about putting it on wrong. Period underwear has built-in absorbent layers and is reusable and discreet to wear, but some people might feel self-conscious about washing them at the end of the day if they aren't used to washing their own underwear and don't have a private bathroom, or they might have dysphoria about washing them. You will likely need more than one pair (at least 2 pairs) even if you wash them daily because they need to dry, so there's a bit of an up-front cost but then since they're reusable it can be cheaper than pads and tampons in the long run.

The step below period underwear in terms of usability is probably pads. They tend to be pretty easy to use and also don't require insertion into the body, but if you don't place them right sometimes blood can leak around the edges where the pad isn't. Another placement issue might come up if you wear some styles of men's underwear, like boxers, it can be hard to use pads unless you wear a different type of underwear underneath which can feel bulky. Similarly to period underwear, blood on pads might feel more noticeable than internal options, which might increase dysphoria for some. You will need to buy pads over and over, so even they aren't that expensive to buy, the cost of buying them can add up. If your family buys the pads for you or you can get them at school for free then that isn't a big of a deal, but it does matter for some people.

Some trans people swear by menstrual cups because they're reusable and cost-effective. Once inserted correctly, they can be worn for up to 12 hours depending on flow, and the feeling of the blood can be less noticeable than pads or period underwear since it's not coming out. It can also be useful if you like swimming or have swimming classes, and/or if you're in a situation where you're stealth and have access to a private bathroom to wash the menstrual cup but don't feel like you can hide a whole package of pads in your stuff. But it can be hard to find the right size/model sometimes, so it can require multiple different brands and sizes to get the one that works best for you. Some people find the feeling of wearing one uncomfortable, have a hard time with the insertion, worry it'll affect their IUD, etc.

Tampons and menstrual discs have similar pros and cons as menstrual cups, although tampons are not reusable and some menstrual discs are. In all three cases, the process of insertion can be dysphoria-inducing for some trans individuals, but you also have the benefits of not having to feel the blood. You will also have more security to avoid leaks since you could choose to wear a tampon/menstrual cup/menstrual disc and then also wear a pad or menstrual underwear as backup.

After you've figured out what products work for you, I'd switch gears to the long game which is trying to stop your period in a healthy way. If you're out as trans, talk to your guardians and doctors about trying puberty blockers or using birth control to stop your period.

If you're not out as trans, you can still try convincing your parents to take you to the doctor to discuss the use of birth control in stopping your period without mentioning gender dysphoria:

Here’s a NY Times article called “For the Teen Who No Longer Wants a Period”, I’d start the conversation by sending them that link then if they ask more, give them the excuses above!

Finally, there are coping strategies that you can explore to manage the feelings of dysphoria that you may experience when you have your period-- this post has more info on that.

Followers, any advice for anon?

Lee says:

Hi and hello! I do not understand your question— if you want to reword and resubmit, feel free, or maybe the followers will chime in with replies if they know what you’re asking.

Followers say:

tofu-pofu said: i think they're asking if you had a double mastectomy or breast implants

Lee says:

Oh gotcha! Thanks for clarifying & helping me (& the anon) out.

I had a double mastectomy (inverted T incision) which is a type of gender-affirming ‘masculinizing’ top surgery when I was around 3 months on T.

I later had a hysterectomy (& related procedures: removal of ovarian tubes and cervix) and phalloplasty (& related procedures: creation of a scrotum, glansplasty, testicular implant, erectile implant) so in total I’ve had 5 gender-affirming surgeries since my phalloplasty stuff was split into three stages.

Lee says:

I would advise you to speak with the camp staff or counselors in advance, if you haven't already, and make sure they understand the situation and fully support having you sleep in the boy's cabin and also do all of the other activities with the boys, if that's what you want.

You don't want to have to deal with any last-minute surprises like finding out they're re-assigned you back to the girl's cabin or plan on having you change in the girl's bathrooms instead of a private gender-neutral or male space after you're at camp, so you gotta get all of the details ironed out in advance.

That includes making sure you've thought about what you're comfortable with in terms of bathrooms, changing spaces, locker rooms, etc, and how you plan to handle things like binding or packing (and cleaning STP packers), how you plan to manage your period if you have a period, and whether you plan on coming out to your bunk-mates (and, by extension, to the whole camp because you can't assume everyone will keep your secrets) if you aren't already out to them.

It isn't safe to wear a binder 24/7 for two months so you presumably will not be binding at night when you're in the boy's cabin which means at some point over the next two months at least one boy in your cabin is likely to see you without the binder as you get ready for bed at night and get out of bed in the morning, even if you try to avoid it. If you don't mind that, or don't bind anyway, then it's not a big deal, but it's something to consider because it can make it harder to stay stealth if that is something you had hoped to do.

Make sure you have a plan for your menstrual supplies if you use any, and bring enough of them to have some back-ups. Think about what is going to make you feel the most comfortable, whether it's pads, tampons, menstrual cups, menstrual discs, period underwear, etc, and then think about the logistics of it-- disposing of used pads or tampons in the men's bathroom or bringing bags so you can wrap it yourself and carry it to another trash to get rid of, how you could discreetly wash a menstrual cup or period underwear in the men's bathroom, and so on. Don't bring anything to camp that you haven't used before-- this isn't the time to bring a single menstrual cup only to find the size you got isn't comfy for you!

Overall, the largest piece of advice that I'd have is to just be yourself, and be friendly to others. Take the opportunity to get to know your fellow cabin mates better if they aren't already your friends-- they could be the ones who either stand up for you and have your back if some other student gives you trouble, or they could end up being the source of trouble if they feel uncomfortable with you and/or are transphobic. You don't need to be best friends with all of them, but don't be a wallflower and ignore them either, and try to be reasonable even when they're not.

You might encounter curiosity or questions from your peers about your gender identity and body. While it's entirely up to you how much you want to share, being prepared with a simple and confident response can help navigate these interactions smoothly.

Respect the privacy and boundaries of your cabin mates, just as you would expect them to respect yours. Establishing mutual respect early on can contribute to a harmonious living environment. Even so, living with other folks means you may have disagreements and friction over things like how messy your space is, how late people stay up, etc, especially when you're living together for two months, so be prepared to stand up for yourself but also remember to try and be a problem-solver and take a minute to cool down before you get into a fight and learn to let some things go.

As always, remember that you have the right to be there and to feel comfortable in your surroundings. If you encounter any challenges or need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted camp counselor or staff member. They are there to support you and ensure that your camp experience is positive and safe. If someone does cause drama or is bullying you or is transphobic etc, don't be afraid to snitch! You gotta take care of you.

All that being said, I don't have a lot of experience with this type of situation myself-- I went to a week of school sleep-away camp in 5th grade and 6th grade but that was before I came out, and the next time I went to a similar sleep-away camp thing was a brief experience in college, so I was a young adult and had been on T and had 2 of my 5 surgeries by that point and I only needed to share a room with my partner. I would like to encourage our followers to add on with more tips if you have relevant experiences and can help anon out! And anon, when you come back from camp, please do share any life-hacks you've picked up with us to help the next young trans camper out!!

Followers, anything to add?

Lee says:

Good luck my friend!

I know that surgery can be scary, but by the time you're ready to have surgery, you've already had a consultation with your surgeon and a pre-op appointment, and may have also gotten a letter from a mental health provider. During this process you've had the opportunity to have discussions with your providers about the procedure, its risks, benefits, and potential outcomes. You've probably also spent a fair amount of time researching surgery online, if you're anything like me, and may have also spoken to post-op individuals about their experiences for additional insights. So you already know what to expect from the surgical process.

It can help to remind yourself why you're going through surgery. You chose to have top surgery for a reason-- probably multiple reasons! Think about the goals you hope to achieve through top surgery-- you probably hope it will have a positive impact on your mental health and quality of life. Keep that hope in mind and envision your life post-surgery.

I had top surgery myself, with no complications, over 6 years ago, and I'm very happy. There were a couple (maybe many) moments in the early post-op period when I had a lot of anxiety and worry, but top surgery was the right choice for me and I am glad I went through with it-- now I have the rest of my life to live in a body that I feel comfortable in. I can't promise you that you will not experience complications or that you won't have any regrets, but I can tell you that I have faith in your decision-making abilities.

If you trust the expertise of your surgical team and feel like you have information you need to make an informed decision, and you feel getting surgery now with this team is the right choice for you, then it probably is. Remember that you are the expert on your own needs, and that you know that you are making a decision that will help you to grow into the future that you want to have for yourself.

Pre-op anxiety is super normal, but taking care of your mental health is important! If you need more support than you can get from those around you (Friends, family, partner, etc) then reach out and ask for help. If you're experiencing significant emotional distress or struggling to cope with the surgical process, a trans-friendly therapist or counselor can be really helpful in managing things like post-op anxiety or depression.

And again, you got this anon!! I hope you have a smooth and uncomplicated recovery.

Lee says:

Good luck!!! You got this!!

Lee says:

As a matter of fact, I am indeed trans! I specifically identify as genderqueer, non-binary, transmasculine, transgender, and transsexual, although that's neither here nor there.

I actually didn't come out to my parents-- I came out to my friends, and then more publicly to my classmates at school. Then one of my classmates told her parents about me being trans, and that parent met my parents at a party and mentioned that I was trans. Unfortunately it just so happened that while they were at the party and out of the house, I took the opportunity to cut my hair short at home. Yikes!

Anyway, I would fully recommend actually coming out over being outed, if you have the choice, because then you have some control over the start of the conversation and can initially let them know whatever you want them to know.

As always, safety comes first. Do not come out if you do not think you will be safe. If there's any risk of harm or severe negative consequences, you should wait to come out until you're in a more secure position, like being 18 or older, financially independent, not living at home, or at the very least, having a support system in place like a trusted therapist who can help you deal with the repercussions of coming out.

There's a difference between being genuinely unsafe and feeling uncomfortable. Most people will feel their fight-or-flight anxiety response kick in when they have a really scary and stressful conversation, especially when they're talking with someone who means a lot to them and has a lot of authority in their life. But being anxious about their reaction might make something feel unsafe, emotionally, even if you logically know that you are safe and they will not kick you out, abuse you, etc.

That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't real feelings though. If you think that you would not be able to cope if your parents don't immediately and fully accept and support you, then maybe it isn't the right time to come out either. Your emotional well being is important, and if you would be unsafe as a result of mental illness/extreme distress after coming out (if your parent's reaction isn't what you had hoped it would be) then you should consider that to be just as important as if you were physically in danger from an external source. After you've had some time and therapy and got re-stabilized then you can reconsider coming out.

Let's say that you've decided to proceed with coming out. The next step is to continue to gauge their attitudes. You've already observed some of their views. This can be a good starting point to understand how they might react. Remember, though, that parents' reactions to their own child can sometimes be different from their general opinions. So they might be fine with your trans friends, but not be fine with you being trans yourself.

You can't fully predict what will happen, but making sure you have a sense of what they currently think might help a little-- if the topic hasn't come up in over a year and you're working off of what you remember them saying far in the past, it's possible their views have changed by now.

But either way, you'll never really know what will happen after you come out, so if you want to do it, you just gotta go for it.

Now it's time to prepare. You may want to have resources ready for your parents, so looking to find those resources should be your next step. Are there local support groups for parents of trans kids and do you know of any peers whose parents have attended? They might have questions or misconceptions about being a trans man, so be ready to share some basic 101 information with them and don't assume they understand what it really means to be trans. Websites, books, or even contact information for a knowledgeable counselor can be helpful.

Think about what you want to say beforehand. What's the point of coming out? Do you want something to change, like having them call you a different name, use different pronouns, buy you different clothes? Do you want them to understand the nuances of your identity and know the right terms and words to use and what terms and words are offensive? Think about all of your goals, and then write down the key points you want to get down.

This is the time to consider your answers to the questions they might ask you, like "how long have you felt this way," "do you plan on medically transitioning," "what does this mean for your sexual orientation," etc. Even if you don't know all the answers yet and are still figuring yourself out, you want to have an idea of what you'll tell them, even if it's just "I don't know yet, I'm still figuring it out".

I'm personally not a fan of gimmicky/"cute" ways of coming out when you aren't sure whether your family will be accepting. So I would recommend just using a letter to initially come out if you're worried about getting overwhelmed or forgetting important details, and being prepared to follow that up by having a sit-down conversation.

Have a support system in place. This could be friends, other family members, teachers, counselors, or online communities who understand and support your identity. I always recommend scheduling an event with friends either for directly after you come out so you have an excuse to leave the conversation and go, or at least for the next day so you can decompress and discuss it with people who support you.

When you're as ready as you can be, choose the right moment. Find a time when your parents are likely to be calm and not preoccupied with other stressors (so not on their birthday, a major holiday, etc) and either leave the letter for them or ask them if they are available to have an important conversation.

This might not always be possible, but a peaceful environment can facilitate a better conversation. Choose a time and place where you feel safe and where you won't be interrupted. This could be at home during a quiet weekend afternoon, an evening after dinner, or during a walk together, depending on your family dynamics.

Finally, it's time to have the conversation. You should be clear and direct. Tell them "I'm transgender and that means I feel I am a man," or whatever language you feel comfortable with. Don't hint at it because they might not know what you're trying to tell them, just tell them exactly what you want to say.

It’s okay to admit if you don’t have all the answers yet. Transitioning is a journey, and it's fine to be figuring things out as you go.

But if that isn't the case for you, and you are sure, then you should be ready to stand up for yourself and tell them that. They might react positively, negatively, or be unsure, but their feelings are not your fault/your responsibility because you're living true to yourself. It's okay if they need time to process the information, but don't back down and let them railroad you into saying that you're not sure or didn't mean it if you are sure and do mean it.

Finally, be prepared for the long haul. Understand that your parents might need time to fully grasp and accept your identity. Patience can be challenging but is often necessary since it can take several months to years before they come around and truly support you. That means that one conversation is usually not enough. Be open to ongoing discussions and expect them to be sometimes awkward.

We have a coming out page with more info, although some of the links are old and broke (I promise I'll get to fixing it some day!)

Followers, any advice for anon?

Lee says:

Your experience is not odd or unusual! Gender identity and expression are deeply personal and can vary greatly from person to person. Many non-binary people experience fluctuations in their gender dysphoria, which can change depending on how they are presenting or how they feel on a particular day.

The discomfort you feel with your chest when presenting more femininely, while being fine with it in masculine clothing, is a valid experience.

That being said, one thing to consider is whether you're actually comfortable in feminine outfits in the current moment with the body/presentation that you currently have. You might be feeling self-conscious in women's clothes because you just aren't comfortable with wearing those clothes right now because it emphasizes things that you're not comfortable with (Aka reminds you of your chest).

You may want to experiment with different feminine clothing styles that might make you feel more comfortable. Sometimes a different cut, fit, or type of fabric can make a big difference in how the clothes drape on your chest, and it can be possible to wear a feminine outfit which doesn't emphasize your chest. Men's floral shirts with a stiff fabric can look feminine but also provide a good amount of coverage.

If you find out that even with different styles of clothes you still feel uncomfortable with your chest when presenting femininely, you may want to consider binding. We have more information about binding on our Binding FAQ page, so I won't get into the details of that right now, but binding might be a good option to creating the profile you like in the clothes you like.

But I think sometimes we tend to overthink these things. If you're saying "Doing X thing makes me feel bad!" and X thing is optional, and not doing X thing is neutral (or least not-bad for your health), then the solution might be "OK, just don't do X thing!"

So ultimately if you don't feel comfortable with your chest while dressing femininely, then maybe one solution is to not wear feminine clothes and then you don't have chest dysphoria and the problem is solved.

I think some people tend to react defensively to that, and I'm not saying you really Need to stop wearing feminine clothes, but I do think it's something worth considering. Do you really enjoy wearing feminine clothes? Or is it something you think you should like, something you used to like, or something you want to like but don't really like the reality of?

I used to have this confusion myself for a while with some gender expression stuff, but eventually I realized that in general there's a difference between admiring something and thinking a style looks cool and actually feeling comfortable doing that thing/wearing those clothes. I might like the idea of certain things but they don't make me feel comfortable and self-confident because it just feels like it's not me.

I do know that there are some people who had top surgery, for example, and then were super excited to start wearing women's shirts and crop tops and stuff like that because they really liked wearing women's clothes and just didn't like the way their body looked in those clothes, but it can vary.

Personally, when I was pre-op I wasn't super comfortable with how I looked in clothes (or without clothes lol) because I had a lot of body dysphoria. After I had my surgeries I became more comfortable with my body which included being comfortable about how it looks in clothes. But I didn't change my style because I still like the same things (I'm still wearing the same sweatshirt as I wore at 16 on the daily!) I just feel more comfortable in general, so I still tend to only wear men's clothes.

Anyway, circling back to where I started, it's possible that not feeling comfortable about your chest while wearing feminine clothes might be a sign that you're not comfortable with your chest in general, and the only reason you don't mind it in men's clothes is because you notice it less because the clothes aren't made to emphasize it. Journaling or reflecting on your feelings when you dress differently can help you better understand your dysphoria and what triggers it, and that might be a place to start if you're trying to get to the bottom of it. Therapy can also help you untangle your feelings.

I would also say that as things are now, experimenting with different solutions is a good idea. To recap, that includes not wearing clothes that cause chest dysphoria, wearing the clothes but also binding, wearing similar clothes but differently styled (with a zip-up sweatshirt left unzipped to hide your chest, a men's shirt with a stiffer different fabric but a similar pattern/print than the women's shirts you like, etc), or just wearing the same dysphoria-triggering clothes without binding but trying coping strategies to deal with the dysphoria.

These feelings can change and shift over time, so you may feel differently in the future-- maybe you'll grow more comfortable with your chest in time, or maybe you'll start to experience more persistent dysphoria and ultimately undergo surgery, or a myriad of other possibilities. It's okay if your feelings change over the course of your transition and it's perfectly normal!

You only recently started to figure out that you're non-binary and that means you likely haven't fully explored your identity yet. There are still some things about yourself that you may not really know yet-- we can surprise ourselves as we grow into our identities/selves and grow up.

I can't really tell you what your feelings mean for you because only you can figure out who you are and what it all means, but I can tell you that it's okay to feel that way, and that you'll figure it all out eventually.

Lee says:

You can try starting slowly incorporating more masculine-styled women's clothing into your wardrobe. This is usually a gradual process anyway since it can take time to save up enough money to purchase enough new shirts/pants/shoes etc. to fully replace your current wardrobe, especially if you're working part-time as a babysitter, dog-walker, etc.

Clothes that are more structured or straight-cut, like button-down shirts or straight-leg pants, can help create a more traditionally masculine silhouette. Layering with hoodies or jackets can also be effective. You can sometimes find these things styled as "boyfriend" clothes, and you can tell your parents that it's the current trend/style. You can see our post on finding masculine clothing in the women's section here.

Another easy change is dropping the accessories. That means not wearing feminine necklaces/earrings/bracelets/hairbands, not painting your nails, etc. It's easy to say you want to keep things basic and sporty and that's why you're going without the accessories. Wearing a neutral watch or a smart watch is another accessory to consider instead of a thin-strapped "women's watch" if you wear watches at all that is.

You can see our post on purse alternatives here since bags are often the biggest practical change in the accessory category. Not carrying a purse when you hang out with your friends in the mall, go out on a trip, etc is obviously a high-impact change to make.

If possible, choose a haircut that's more typically masculine. Shorter haircuts, or styles that are longer on the top and shorter on the sides, can subtly change your appearance. If you use a female reference for your photo when you show your parents what you want they may not suspect anything. You can see our post on convincing your parents to let you get a haircut without coming out here.

If a haircut isn’t possible, consider styles like pulling your hair back in a low bun or wearing hats. If you're Black, cornrows, box braids, and locs are styles that can be gender neutral depending on how you wear them. There's a few links on that here.

There are also things you can do to come across as subtly more masculine without buying anything at all.

Sometimes, adopting a more traditionally masculine posture and body language can make a difference. This doesn't usually have a big impact on passing, but it can help you feel better about yourself and boost your self-confidence and reduce dysphoria, and it's something that your family may not notice because it's easy to alter when you're with them. You can see a post about masculine body language here.

Similarly, you can try voice training and practice speaking in a slightly lower tone or in a more monotone style, which is often perceived as more masculine. Be careful not to strain your voice, though, and maybe avoid doing it while you're with your family. You can see a post about voice training here.

Engaging in exercises that build upper body strength can also help in achieving a more masculine physique. Focus on workouts that target the shoulders, back, and arms. You can often do body weight workouts at home in your room without needing a gym membership or specialized exercise equipment.

Find a support system, whether it's friends, online communities, or a counselor/therapist, who understand and support your gender identity. This can provide a safe space to express yourself and explore your identity. It can help to have other friends who are also masculine to feel like you're not isolated.

Observing and adopting some masculine behavioral cues, like how men typically occupy space or interact in social settings, can also be a subtle way to express masculinity, but you want to be careful that you're not imitating toxic masculinity / obnoxious guys. Similarly, engaging in hobbies or interests that are stereotypically masculine can be a subtle way to align with male peers, but always choose activities that genuinely interest you and you can probably find other guys out there who are also interested in the things you already care about to be friends.

The above suggestions are all things that you can do without your parents necessarily noticing. Binding is something that may not be subtle depending on your chest size, so while it is possible to sometimes bind in front of family without them noticing (saying it's a sports bra, for example) I would recommend keeping your binder in your backpack and only changing into it at school in the bathroom / at a friend's house / in a public bathroom when you're out with friends but not family, etc. unless you really are wearing only a single well-fitting sports bra. You can see more about buying a binder and that whole process in this post.

It's harder to be seen as masculine or male when you're pre-medical transition and not passing which means people often have to "overcompensate" by being more masculine than they would otherwise choose to be, but as always, I'd like to note that it can be possible to pass as male / be masculine while doing any of the things I recommended changing!

So while I might advise someone who wants to come off as more masculine "don't paint your nails" for example, that is a general rule and doesn't mean that you have to follow those guidelines if you're really passionate about painting your nails. You can always choose whatever gender expression you're comfortable with. There are plenty of guys who wear nail polish and otherwise come across as masculine or who are recognized as men. It's important to remember that masculinity is diverse and there's no one right way to be masculine.

Followers, any other tips on performing subtle masculinity that won't make transphobic parents suspicious?

Lee says:

If sleeping with your arms crossed is comfortable for you and doesn't cause pain or discomfort, it's likely fine. Everyone has different sleeping preferences and what's comfortable for one person may not be for another.

Your body naturally shifts around while asleep. While you may tend to cross your arms as you fall asleep, that doesn't mean your arms are actually crossed all night-- you likely toss and turn a bit without realizing it, and that type of adjustment is done automatically by your body while you're asleep so you don't necessarily control whether your arms stay crossed!

So in general, it's fine to sleep with your arms crossed if that feels comfortable to you as long as you aren't doing something to restrain your arms in place overnight.

If you were doing something to keep your arms crossed while asleep that might be an issue-- crossing your arms tightly overnight and not allowing them to move freely might impact circulation, especially if you're applying pressure on your arms for an extended period. If you notice any numbness, tingling, or discomfort in your arms, it might be a sign to change your sleeping position.

Similarly, for some individuals, especially those with larger chests, sleeping in certain positions might put pressure on the chest, which could potentially cause bruising, discomfort or pain. It's important to listen to your body and adjust your sleeping position if you experience any discomfort, but this isn't really a big problem for most people as long as they aren't tying their arms up or using clothing to restrain them or something.

Generally, your sleeping position does not significantly impact breast health. Concerns like sagging are mostly due to genetics, hormones, age, and changes in body weight rather than how you sleep. If you're worried that something is bad for your boobs for a particular reason, like you've noticed a change in your chest and are wondering what might have caused it, then you should speak with a doctor.

Things you should always bring up with your doctor include (but are not limited to) a lump in the breast or underarm, a change in size, shape, or appearance of the breast (if you aren't expecting the change because of puberty/hormones), changes to the skin (including irritation, dimpling, puckering, redness, or scaling), nipple changes (like inversion, unusual and persistent itching, or scaling), discharge (other than breast milk), persistent or unusual pain in any area of the breast, and swelling of all or part of a breast. If you ever wonder whether something's normal or a cause for concern, it doesn't hurt to ask your doctor. My aunt had breast cancer and she knew something was wrong before she went to the doctor because she was afraid to find out what it was, so I tend to bring the topic up a lot even when it's not strictly related to the question because it's something I'm passionate about.

Anyhow, I hope this helped to answer your question!

Lee says:

Yes, it is possible, but fat grafting can carry risks (necrosis, infection, lumps) and most of the fat that is grafted doesn't remain there and is reabsorbed by your body so it often requires multiple sessions.

As a result, fat grafting wouldn't be able to provide a comparable increase in breast size compared to implants.

Fat grafting might be used to correct small divots and smooth out the contour after someone has had a double mastectomy for top surgery, for example, but it wouldn't be used to increase the breast size by a cup or more as is typical in a breast augmentation.

Solid silicone and saline-filled non-textured breast implants are typically your best option for breast augmentation if estrogen does not create the breast growth you had hoped for.

A plastic surgeon can tell you more about the risks of implants, but risks may include:

While all of that sounds scary, and you may feel like the risks aren't worth the benefit for you, many folks undergo breast augmentation without complications. It's a choice each person has to make in consultation with a plastic surgeon based on their own needs, goals, and medical history.

Shared decision-making with a surgeon can help you decide whether breast augmentation is right for you. They can also help put the risks in context and can tell you the percent of patients that typically have those complications-- often it's pretty low.

So if you may be considering undergoing a breast augmentation, the potential for complications are something you should discuss with a surgeon-- they can also tell you more about what techniques can be used for augmentation.

Followers, anything to add?

Lee says:

Identifying as transgender while exploring your gender is not trans erasure!

Trans erasure typically refers to the denial or dismissal of transgender identities and experiences, which is not the case when someone is genuinely exploring their gender identity.

Trying on labels to see whether they feel comfortable or right is part of figuring out who you are, and calling yourself transgender while you're questioning can be part of that.

Your experience and identity are valid, even if you're still in the process of understanding them. You don't need to have everything figured out yet-- and there's no shame in changing your mind or realizing that transgender is not the label for you.

If you decide you’re not trans, you’ve still had an adventure into gender that likely widened your understanding of your own self and your understanding of other people- no harm done.

Being yourself is important, regardless of what label you ultimately decide to use, so don’t worry about whether you’re “allowed” to call yourself something, just do whatever makes you feel comfortable because everyone is allowed to express themselves in whatever way they want to.

Lee says:

Your question touches on a complex and sensitive topic within the trans community, and it's important to approach this with an understanding that every individual's experience with gender identity and transition is unique, and there are various factors that can influence the challenges they face.

The concept of intersectionality is crucial here. People experience discrimination differently based on intersecting aspects of their identity like race, class, age, disability, and their socioeconomic status, access to healthcare, etc.

And even beyond that, each person's journey is shaped by a multitude of factors including their family dynamics, social environment, cultural context. These factors can make the experience of being trans vastly different for each individual.

You can't compare two people based on a single identity and say "ah this person must have had it worse because they are [X identity]!" because people aren't just one single identity, they're whole people.

Certain things can affect one part of the trans community more than another, like hypervisibility vs invisibility/erasure for example, or the rhetoric supporting laws that prevent trans people from competing on teams that match their identified gender. It's true that trans woman are often dehumanized and seen as either sexual predators, as sexual objects, or as a joke, and as a result are often the targets of a lot of transphobic rhetoric.

Minority stress is real, and it can affect people's physical and mental health even if they are not personally facing a current physical threat to their safety.

While trans people who were AMAB may be more affected by some of that stress, that doesn't mean it exclusively affects them-- often the whole community ends up feeling the effects.

Even if trans women are often targeted in bathroom bills, for example, the end result is no trans person can use the bathroom that aligns with their gender. And being discriminated against for being transgender and seeing others face discrimination for a shared identity can create distress and that should be acknowledged.

Comparing the struggles between segments of the trans community can inadvertently create a hierarchy of suffering, which is not constructive. It's more helpful to acknowledge that while experiences can be different, each individual's challenges are valid and deserving of support and understanding.

We get variations on this discourse pretty frequently and I used to answer this question when it was asked. But recently I started to wonder what good my answer will do-- If I tell you "x group is Most Oppressed tm" how does that change anyone's lives for the better?

If you're interested in this type of thing from an academic perspective then you can study the issue more, and make up all the "What if" scenarios you want. A trans woman who grows up in a supportive white liberal NYC family, starts puberty blockers at age 12, starts estrogen and legally changes her name and gender marker at age 15, has bottom surgery at 18 and goes off to college having been "passing" as female since childhood is going to have a vastly different experience than a Black transmasculine person who grew up in poverty in the South, doesn't have a supportive family, came out at 16 and was kicked out and then never finished high school, manages to start testosterone at 23 but isn't able to afford top surgery until they 34 and is often misgendered as a result of not being able to bind in their physical job. They will have completely different backgrounds, experiences, and privileges even if they both started to transition before middle age. And of course "passing privilege" is another can of worms that I'm not going to open here.

Instead of focusing on which group has it harder, it's beneficial to recognize that yes, there are some differences in our experiences, when viewed on average, but that should be used as motivation to help people who genuinely need it instead of just being divisive.

When you notice someone using transphobic arguments or targeting any trans people, you should obviously speak up and fight back on their behalf if you're comfortable-- we have to support each other, but we're all part of the same community and everyone's safety is important. Don't put yourself in danger.

So yeah, I'm tired of rehashing the Discourse and won't be answering questions about that type of topic. Good vibes only lol. In general, we all need to work to foster a sense of solidarity and support within the trans community and be open to listening to the experiences of all trans individuals. Understanding the diverse perspectives within the transgender community can lead to greater empathy and support, and mutual support can be a powerful tool in navigating the challenges of living in a transphobic culture.