Cranky

Customer: AUNTIE KOO KOO’S MINI COOPER DMV: LOOKS LIKE MONEY CRAZY MNI LOOKS LIKE MONEY KUKU LOOKS LIKE COO COO KRAZY Verdict: DENIED

french jason derulo be like. jason deruleaux

wait

WHAT

i am never talking to a cishet person again. did you know some of these people believe that watching porn is cheating

"Many species of polychaetes undergo epitoky whereby sexually immature worms transform into pelagic morphs capable of sexual reproduction. After fertilization, they release their gametes through rapid disintegration." worms are out here having insane sex we can't even comprehend

"what do they mean by disintegrate?" "oh yeah no he fucking disintegrated"

hi im tyler oakley toss mangoes and other assorted fruits into my loose asshole so i can post about it on my shitty blog

drink up

Je voudrais parler à votre gestionnaire

Because we are not normal..... To the cisheteronormative society that decided what counts as a disorder....... Maybe look into the history of homophobia and transphobia sometime

I am begging the people on this webbed site to learn even a little queer history. Medical history even if we're feeling a little spicy.

#903 Sneasler

oh boy

this is a Complex Web

true but i dont agree

- me when I found out weird al isn’t jewish

Always funny to tell people my top surgery story because like. Here I am in front of them: still betitted. Embreastened. Quite titsome. You know the story doesn’t end in success from the moment I start telling it

It’s like the chorus at the beginning of romeo and juliet telling you everyone dies at the end, except it’s communicated to you exclusively in the form of my boobs. My massive dobonhonkeros. My

Dude save some for us homely guys

wa le fuque?

Today the Tory whip received a text in parliament, put down his phone, and then put his head in his hands.

I wonder what he could have read?

You all think it's about this:

How would you all feel if I told you this is only the third most exciting thing to happen today?

The second most exciting thing to happen today leaked at about 11am this morning.

I have spoken to you all before about the UK Government Whip system. In particular, I explained that there are different levels - one, two and three line whips, which are imposed on MPs to try to make them all vote in lockstep on important issues. Three line whips are rarely used, because if you violate them, you lose party backing and your secrets get exposed and the ghost of Margaret Thatcher personally turns up to your house and privatises your wife.

Today, Liz Truss imposed a three line whip.

On fracking.

Now this is BIG FUCKING NEWS. All UK countries except England have banned fracking, and England is actually very against it too; Tory election promises in general and Liz Truss's promises in particular were that we would not do it again unless an ongoing study into environmental impacts said it was safe. The study has been done! But they blocked it from being released on the grounds that environmental safety would be disrespectful to the corpse of Lizzie Two.

And then Liz announced we would solve the energy crisis by fracking.

Uproar! A broken campaign promise! How very dare they! Labour, naturally, decided to provide a bit of opposition and so tabled a motion to ban it. So it had to go to a vote.

And she imposed a three line whip. Quoth the Deputy Chief Whip, "We cannot allow Labour to be big meanies and say no because then they might get some legislation passed and everyone will see that we're a bunch of pigs in clown suits" (I'm paraphrasing). Tory MPs were suddenly thrown into disarray, actively declaring that they don't understand why a three line is being used on this motion. The vote is literally happening as we speak. I am typing this sentence at 7.02pm. The vote is at 7, and will take several minutes. It's kicking off.

Three Tories have already declared rebellion.

This is the second most exciting thing to happen today.

The most exciting thing to happen today began also at 11am.

Graham Brady, the head of the 1922 Committee (stars of previous best-selling clownshow The Adventures of Big Dog the Clown) informed Liz Truss that she had reached the threshold number of letters of no confidence to trigger a formal vote of no confidence in her leadership.

NOW DON'T ALL GET EXCITED.

Here's how it works:

If a vote of no confidence is held and the sitting PM passes - wins the vote, as it were, retains the confidence of their peers and allies - they are immune to further votes for one (1) year. This is in fact what happened to Boris Johnson, although in the end, he was brought down within weeks anyway by a grubby sex scandal. Surprisingly, it wasn't one of his own.

HOWEVER.

If the leader is brand new, they are ALSO immune for a while.

Now this is very interesting; because this is not a secret, hidden rule. This is a very well-known rule among people who are actively trying to oust their political leaders. The Tories knew sending in letters wouldn't actually work, because that's the rule. What this therefore means is, Liz Truss is so spectacularly unpopular that they all did it anyway, in a sort of unified conglomerate of desperate misery clinging to "Likes to charge, reblogs to cast" logic in the hopes that maybe TV comedians would stop laughing at them and they could maybe meet their own reflection's eyes again.

So Graham Brady receives these useless letters, this limp and worthless sheets of paper, and goes to Liz Truss, and tells her he's received them.

"These would have triggered a vote," he tells her. "But they will not. You are too new."

And that is that.

...

For about an hour, anyway.

Because about an hour later, journalists report that Graham Brady has taken the breathlessly unprecedented vat of liquid faeces that the Tory party has become, and the soul-hollowing amount of damage that the party has inflicted upon the country, and the skin-crawlingly cringeworthy way Liz Truss delivers speeches, all into consideration.

And he is changing the rules.

54 letters are not enough, he says.

But about half of the party should be sufficient.

And that is that.

...

For about an hour, anyway.

Because about an hour later, journalists report that Graham Brady has looked at the way no Tories remain who can read joined-up writing, and the way Suella Braverman maybe quit but maybe was secretly fired by Jeremy Cunt, and the way Nadine Dorries.

And he is changing the rules.

Actually, he says. I know I said half.

But a third should be sufficient.

...

118 letters of no confidence are all that stand between us and The Second Clownfall of 2022; we have a confirmed 54.

He is rumoured to have received "over a hundred."

This is the most exciting thing happening today.

11am. The Deputy Chief Whip tells the MPs that this is not just a standard three line whipped vote at 7pm - they are ordered to view this as not a vote on fracking, but "a confidence vote in the government." You MUST obey.

5.05pm. Chris Skidmore tweets that as he was the environment minister who literally signed our anti-fracking policy into law he cannot vote with the whip, and shall rebel

Guardian's political correspondent says, this is a senior MP happy to declare they're voting against what is being seen as a confidence vote. Will this open the door to others?

6.55pm. Graham Stewart, Minister of State for Climate, announces that this is not a confidence vote in the government after all, and they all just had their fingers crossed, trololol, it's all fine

7.11pm. This tweet from Lloyd Russel-Moyle MP:

Yes, you read that right lol, these vicious ghouls are physically assaulting MPs to force them to vote for the PM

35 minutes ago. Pippa Crerar announces both the Chief Whip and the Deputy Chief Whip have quit, because they had a massive screaming fight in the Commons lobby about whether this is a confidence vote or not.

Because the Whips don't want to assault anyone else, and want it to not be a confidence vote.

But Truss says it was.

20 minutes ago. David Linden MP (SNP) reports that in the absence of the Whips he just saw the Deputy PM Therese Coffey physically pick up a hesitant Tory MP and carry them bodily into the voting lobby

Literally right now: Truss and the Whips are locked in a room together.

Jesus Fucking Christ on a stick with googly eyes I'm sorry I know this is getting so very long but

This is some straight-up Fall of the Roman Republic shit. What the fuck.

Here is a fun Twitter thread, but screenshots here:

The results are now in: naturally, the government has won, given that they're quite possibly holding people's nans hostage. But, 40 brave MPs abstained.

INCLUDING LIZ TRUSS.

BTS suddenly announce they’re going off to military after the south korean government teased for 3+ years that they ~might~ get a military exemption, and an hour after the announcement the official government twitter account for south korea goes private??????

Yikes

okay i know “like zorro” is a Lot but is no one going to mentioned his penis “rattled” against her teeth like it’s full of ball bearings

WHO PUBLISHED THIS MAN TO BEGIN WITH?

Publication is apparently entirely about Who You Know

GCDS SS23 RTW

TOBY?!?