Shouldn't have included alcohol in the deal, but also if he's that badly off, like... Look. I feel like a lot of folks in the replies, and also you, OP, don't really..."get" what starts addictions. If he is turning to alcohol in order to make life bearable, as I am inferring from your ask, then the alternative is...probably attempted suicide.

If alcohol is keeping him alive, then that's not a bad thing. As his friend, and especially as someone who has a crush on him, you...probably should be presenting him with positive experiences that don't revolve around alcohol. With addiction/developing addiction, it's so, so important to help develop a connection between joy and sobriety.

It's not your job to do this, not at all: but the way to step away from addiction is to have a happy enough life that one does not need the substance to find life bearable. If you want to be a source of sober joy for him, then you need to provide that. If not, then what's the point of even having a crush?

But. again. addiction helps keep people alive when sober life is unbearable. So many people in the replies are urging you not to encourage it, and they're right, in a way, but this is a bigger issue than you can handle. This is a bigger issue than he can handle, and obviously so, as he seems to be turning to alcohol specifically because he cannot handle it.

You messed up in this specific instance, but your insistence that it only be a specific amount of alcohol was a smart move. (Re)learning moderation is really difficult. In the future, I would advise you not mix alcohol with your time together. Still, I would also not back out of the alcohol in this case, because you had already offered it, and to an addict, that'd be really shitty and also something that could drive him further away from others.

He needs help that you can't provide. You made a mistake. You can still do better in the future. The fact that you're at all concerned is a good sign. I hope things turn out all right.

Op how do I know that you aren't a fed? 😭

Because that would require the U.S government to care about your mental health.

does it count if the thoughts of hurting myself are sexual in nature? Like I'm not doing it cuz I'm sad (anymore) and now I just do it cuz I'm a freak

Back in middle school (a private one, that Mom bullied the school district into paying for) the vice principal threatened to have me institutionalized for expressing that I was suicidal and asking for help about it, and also I was not allowed to call home so I had to spend the rest of the schoolday terrified and envisioning myself in a padded cell wearing a straitjacket.

Told Mom the minute I could and she immediately pulled me out of school even though there were two whole months left before the end of the school year. She did some digging and found out that the previous administration at the school were all in prison for financial fraud and used that information to threaten the vice principal right back (not in a way that was legally actionable, of course, she phrased it very smoothly).

All of the teachers there LOVED me, so she also made sure everyone knew exactly why I was no longer coming back. I think the theater teachers were the most upset because I was extremely good (I had played Cinderella that year, and it was my first year there), and I heard that the next year they put on a play that I had mentioned loving and knowing all the words to in French from the original concept album, which made them immediately give one another a Look, so I’m pretty sure they had meant for me to take a leading role.

When Mom was good, she was fucking great.

Oh she goes fucking HARD. And what is it with teachers being so fucking hostile towards kids asking for help? Thats how you end up with, idk, suicide epidemics in schools? Like we have in the UK rn?

Sounds a lot like my mum tbh. Have struggled a lot with her esp with me being queer and neurodivergent but when anyone *else* fucked with her kids. Oh heads would roll. Teachers feared her (and resorted to shitty tactics to get me to keep my mouth shit cus they knew she would come after them.) Had a few months of respite in secondary school when, and I do not exaggerate here, the ENTIRE BUILDING could hear her tearing into a particular abusive teacher who had been bullying my sibling, in the middle of class. Litterally had kids suddenly lose all fear of their own teachers to run to my class and be like “yo thats your mum!”. Put the fear of God in all the staff sbsbhsbs

One of my favourites was when I refused to be in the year book, so my maths teacher litterally stalked me around the school until I was alone, physically forced me into a corner to take pictures of me. Told me mum, I was left out of the year book and he didn’t even nag me about my top button for the rest of the school year. I dont know exactly what was done but knowing my mother someone probably wet themselves. And as ive got older and been dealing with shit wrt the child ive learned even more of the shit kids don’t generally know about and just. Damn she was working hard.

(Also I have just remembered that maths teacher used to drag me out of lessons to inspect me for signs of self harm? Thats gross. I should have complained about that.)

Back in middle school (a private one, that Mom bullied the school district into paying for) the vice principal threatened to have me institutionalized for expressing that I was suicidal and asking for help about it, and also I was not allowed to call home so I had to spend the rest of the schoolday terrified and envisioning myself in a padded cell wearing a straitjacket.

Told Mom the minute I could and she immediately pulled me out of school even though there were two whole months left before the end of the school year. She did some digging and found out that the previous administration at the school were all in prison for financial fraud and used that information to threaten the vice principal right back (not in a way that was legally actionable, of course, she phrased it very smoothly).

All of the teachers there LOVED me, so she also made sure everyone knew exactly why I was no longer coming back. I think the theater teachers were the most upset because I was extremely good (I had played Cinderella that year, and it was my first year there), and I heard that the next year they put on a play that I had mentioned loving and knowing all the words to in French from the original concept album, which made them immediately give one another a Look, so I’m pretty sure they had meant for me to take a leading role.

When Mom was good, she was fucking great.

So I tried CBT once with my therapist, and found it to be massively damaging, but my memories of why are vague. And I’ve seen a lot of people in MAD circles talking about it being gaslighty but again, these conversations are vague.

So I’m gonna look at what I can find online and try and pinpoint how these things manifest in CBT. 

OH WERE OFF TO A GREAT START HERE. VICTIM BLAMING!!!!

Buddy my problem is I live in an ableist, transphobic, queerphobic, capitalist society. That’s what needs to change. U think I’m gonna manage that with a self help book? 

WHY IS ON ME TO ENSURE THESE THINGS DO NOT PREVENT ME FROM ACHIEVING MY GOALS AND OVERCOMING MY PROBLEMS? IT’S KINDA OUT OF MY HANDS. 

I get the feeling CBT was developed for a very specific kind of person and not like, 90% of people with anxiety and low moods. 

“People couldn’t possibly be anxious about less tangible things that cannot be confronted, and they can’t possibly be anxious for a reason. Absolutely not. Just go out presenting how you feel comfortable and go tell that person getting aggressive what your pronouns are. It will reduce your anxiety!”

Do u see what I been saying about the construct of mental illness being used to pathologize reasonable reactions that make oppressors uncomfortable? 

Hmmm let’s see, I avoid most social activities and going out in general because I have an ex who wants to hurt me and my child. I’m…. not even going to attempt this activity. 

Ok so it’s not even “this is just a bad thing to use for people in my situation”

THIS IS EXPLICITLY INTENDED TO FORCE PEOPLE LIKE ME TO PUT OURSELVES AT RISK. I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. 

Oh now I’m onto challenging the thoughts! The thing that really fucked me up last time! Lets look at the examples of negative thoughts that are obviously untrue because you’re just a fucking crazy!

What kind of a life must you have led for these to not be true at least sometimes? Come the fuck on! I mean who is not at constant risk of losing their job for being late these days! I’m a fucking queer, I go outside and trust me, eeeeveryone hates me! Jesus fucking christ! 

Hey serious advice to people doing CBT, when it comes to this:

PLEASE do not do this for anything you are absolutely certain is true because you WILL end up on a suicidal spiral because you’ll have backed up that everything sucks! And it’s not fun to prove that!!! 

AIGHT NAH YAH JUS TEKIN THA PISH

I’ll let you in on a little secret

I’m BROKE. 

In order to convince my abuser to move out of my apartment and leave my life, I had to pay him a LOT of money, and now that I’m still not caught up on my bills, I have nothing. I do have a job but it’s barely paying for food. Not even, because I’m down to one meal a day, which is of course sending my anorexia back. 

Also, now that the lease is in my name, I have to pay the security deposit of $1,000, while still paying rent. 

Meanwhile, there were problems with my health insurance, so I had to pay for my meds out of pocket, the ones that literally stop me from killing myself, truvada for HIV, and the brace and painkillers for when my abuser broke my knuckle. Which I never went to the hospital for, because I couldn’t afford it. I cried and reset it myself. It will never heal properly. I also have to pay for testosterone and needles out of pocket. I’ve stopped doing my shots weekly, which is messing with my mental and physical health badly. 

I haven’t paid my car insurance in so long that it’s currently unregistered, and I’ll have to pay hundreds of dollars in fines to get it back. If I were to get pulled over right now I would lose my car, which is quickly becoming the only place I’ll be able to live. Not only that, but my abuser used to drive my car when his was broken down, because he didn’t want to get a new one. And he drove it so terribly that the engine needs replacing as well as parts of the wheels. This used to be a brand new car less than a year ago. I bought it used but it was in perfect shape. Now it’s falling apart and it wasn’t even because of me. 

If all my followers donate just a dollar, I would have enough to pay my security deposit and keep my apartment. 

Please, please, please, help me. If you can’t donate, at least pass it on. 

paypal.me/transmandragqueen

“oh you wouldn’t identify as transgender if you hadn’t been exposed to other trans people and learned what being transgender was” you’re right! i’d identify as suicidal

I think a lot of people forget that a library is a giant room filled with free awesome shit that you can take home and play with, no questions asked. just as long as you tell them you’re gonna, and remind them if you want to spend more time with the stuff.

I think the US library system should have a once a year advertising spree where they just have the phrase

“Libraries. Don’t forget: Things are free in here.”

Posted literally everywhere.

No. If ordinary people start going into libraries, libraries are going to get robbed. They’ll spend tons of money trying to replace missing books and they’ll be loud as hell. This is a terrible idea.

@nuriem2. are you for real?!

First: there’s no such thing as “ordinary”. People from all walks of life have always used libraries. The system I work for has ALWAYS had missing lists, and always will. It’s human nature: a certain percentage of items are always going to go missing. Most libraries take that into consideration when ordering materials. 

We use strategies to curb things from walking off, of course: put video games and DVDs in locked cases, for example. But you’d be surprised how many people dont even know how that we have video games! Also, we have a SUPER EXTENSIVE digital collection, accessed for free with a library card. You dont even need the physical items! We also have a toy collection. That’s right, TOYS. For free with a library card. And they ALWAYS come back. We have access to makerspaces, audiovisual recording studios, and much more, all for free with a library card.

Still, we get patrons who walk off with things, improperly check things out (which adds to the missing list), and guess what we do? We constantly try to help patrons regain access to being able to check things out. We do a lot of fine forgiveness so that patrons can continue to take things home. We know a lot of people might not be able to pay their fines at the moment. So we try to work with them because life happens. We don’t judge or try to limit patrons. We try to help them to clear their cards. 

Fuck outta here with that “going to get robbed” mindset. Libraries are free, and always will be. They stock way more things than youd ever imagine. Try walking in one some time. I bet it’s changed a lot since youve last been there.

^^^

Also, fuck the idea that libraries have to be quiet. In half an hour, I’ll be teaching kids how to make their own intruments from vardboard and a MakeyMakey set and they will play piano, bongos and a synthesizer that does fart sounds (they’re 8-10 years old…) and we’ll be doing it right in the library. The children’s library is never quiet. There ARE quiet corner and there always will be, for people who want to work here. But on the whole, I prefer a library where people are not talking in hushed tones and walk around on tiptoes. I want them to feel at home and that bring a certain amount of noise with it. Also, what is ordinary in your mind? What are these ordinary people you are talking about because I don’t think I have seen such a person in my life.

Seems to me that SOMEONE is well off enough to not need to use the services of a library, and not coincidentally, they believe poor people don’t deserve access to those same resources that, in owning them, SOMEONE feels superior.

I have an infinite love for libraries and it took some time to realize they offer so much more than “just” a huge treasure of books even though I visited libraries daily for years.

I didn’t expect them to offer other stuff like guided tours, public talks and discussions, workshops, help with research and computer software, etc, so I didn’t really see it at first. But libraries have a very important social role for people of ANY background! I can’t even be mad at library fees because I see them as a donation to a wonderful service that is otherwise free or almost completely free!

Libraries are for everyone

We also have AC in the summer and heat in the winter and comfortable places to sit. We have tables to work at and (sometimes) outlets to plug things into. We have a lawn and sometimes we put lawn games out on it. We have literacy services and free wifi and programs where you can play with LEGO or see a medieval weapons demonstration (we had a trebuchet on our lawn once - we launched water balloons with it) or learn about local history or geology or wine or dozens of other topics. We run video game nights and board game afternoons and computer classes and storytimes and we just started running trivia nights at a local pub. We have a display space local artists can apply to exhibit their work in and we host art shows from the local high schools once a year. And that’s just where I work. Some libraries can offer more, some can offer less, but we all do what we can. Why do we do it all? Because EVERYONE DESERVES ACCESS. Every single ordinary person out there? They have the right to access information. Libraries aren’t for the elite. They’re for anyone who wants to use them. Hell, we have tons of material available online now. Stream it for free! Movies, shows, music, audio books, text, databases, newspapers. You don’t even have to physically come in the building again once you get a library card and you STILL get access to all of that. That’s why we fucking exist. For ordinary people and extraordinary people. For the people who can get it elsewhere and the people who can’t. We offer it free. Because you deserve it.

underestimating ordinary people is how we got the electoral college and I am not here for it

I’ve seen libraries teaching free (FREE!) language classes, music classes, computer programming classes. They have movies, music, books, video games, all sorts of things.

Not to mention that you don’t have to pay to spend all day there. I’ve spent more than a few summer (and winter) days when I was poor and 19 in the library with the friend whose family I lived with, alternating between hanging outside so we could talk loudly and inside in the AC/heat looking at books and listening to CDs and shit. And it was free. We didn’t have to buy an overpriced coffee every couple of hours, we didn’t feel like we were taking up space we didn’t deserve.

Libraries are ABSOLUTELY MEANT for these so-called “ordinary” (aka poor, you classist asswipe, we know what you meant) people. And everyone else too. It doesn’t matter how rich you are, I bet the library has something that you could benefit from.

When my home life got so intolerable that I had to leave and was denied internet and phone access, I spent most of my time in the library, talking with my partner using their wifi and setting up plans to get out of there.

The librarians were incredibly sympathetic and helped calm me down from panic attacks once or twice.

If I’d stayed in that house I would have killed myself. The library made me feel like a person because I could be a person there. Having a safe, accessible library literally saved my life.

I love seeing people heal on here. I saw you talking about suicide in June and now you can’t stop smiling. I saw you swear off relationships in March and now you’re planning a wedding. Man, the storm don’t last forever. I’m proud of y'all.

I swear, so often this site is like a weird little window into peoples’ lives and personal journeys because we put our saddest most awful thoughts on our blogs we’d never share anywhere else and so nobody in our ‘real lives’ even KNOWS the struggles and therefore, the amazing triumphs we’ve had, how hard we’re fighting, but I see this and I see people I follow overcome horrible shit nobody should ever have to even have nightmares about feeling, not once in their lives

but then I see them come out of it - or don’t, but live with it, and stick around for just one more day, and keep trying and living and just, every single fucking day, no matter how painful, my most common emotion here when I look at my friends is I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, PLEASE KEEP GOING.

sorry, but if you’re incapable of love you need to get help and saying that isn’t “ arophobia ”

Actually, I am capable of love, thanks.

I platonically love my friends.

You know how most people love their pets in a completely non-romantic way? I love my dog.

But clearly you’re referring to romantic love because apparently that’s the only one that matters to you. I feel sorry for your friends and any pet you may have.

I don’t need to get help just cause I’m not romantically attracted to anyone ever. I’m perfectly happy the way I am and it’s not hurting anyone. Why do you want people who are different from you to “get help” as if there’s something wrong with them when there isn’t?

Ok but like even if it was a disordered thing, this is still pretty stigmatising?

And it’s like, I’m pretty sure it can’t really be disordered if 1. It doesn’t distress you nor affect your functionality, and 2. doesn’t negatively affect others.

Anyway, this is pretty stigmatising, and I think it’s really unhelpful to tell people to “get help” as some snarky comment.

Also, if your negative attitudes towards aromanticism relies on you connecting it to mental illness, maybe you should reevaluate your views on mental health as well?

if you have a mental illness, you should get help.

I’m autistic, have anxiety and depression, and have a history with eating disorders? you should get help if you’re mentally ill.

And aromanticism isn’t a mental illness.

I’m seeing a psychologist for suicidal depression, OCD, mysophobia, etc., she’s one of the few people outside the Internet I’ve told about my aromanticism. She doesn’t see any need to try to fix it. She knows I’m better off accepting this part of myself. I think a clinical psychologist with a Ph.D and years of experience helping people with mental illnesses knows more about what is one of my mental illnesses and what isn’t than some random person on Tumblr.

The point is that using “get help” as a snarky comment furthers the stigmatization if mentally ill people, not that you shouldn’t get help if you need it. And you shouldn’t hate people for something you think is a mental illness, yet you claim aromantics are “objectifying assholes” and then tell us we “need help”. You’re indicating that you think it’s an illness while also making a value judgement on us for the very thing you think is an illness.

But also please note one thing: aromantics don’t need help just cause they’re aromantic. It’s not causing us any distress and it’s not hurting anyone else. You’re making a bigger deal out of my lack of romantic feelings for anyone than I am.

It also stigmatizes allos who actually have disorders that affect empathy and emotional attachments, such as schizo-specs with strong negative symptoms, autistics, or people with Narcissistic and/or Antisocial Personality Disorder.

People who are legitimately incapable of or have a hard time with emotional attachments actually exist, and while they might be aro, many of them aren’t, and much of the time, they don’t actually ‘get better.’ I don’t know how many schizo-specs I’ve known who get alienated by this bullshit, not for being aro, but for the whole discourse around aromanticism focusing on demonizing an inability to feel or form emotional attachments to people.

Like, guess what? ‘Getting help’ for schizophrenia or Schizoid Personality Disorder doesn’t involve ‘making someone feel again uwu,’ it involves possible medication and teaching self-sustainable behavioral patterns that focus on maintaining positive skills that allow one to live with one’s disorder.

In the same vein, aro people, whether or not our aromanticism is affected by our neurotypes, aren’t going to suddenly ‘learn how to love again’ once we magically get therapy and medication, because that’s not how it works. The only way to ‘deal with’ our romantic orientation is learning to accept it, unlearn the idea that romantic love is a necessity, and continue our lives in the way that makes us the most comfortable; for most of us, that means not trying to force ourselves to feel romantic attraction.

The way aro-antagonists demonize aromanticism isn’t by using the actual definition, which would make it all too obvious that their entire argument hinges on romantic attraction being synonymous with respect, but instead by attacking an entirely different, albeit overlapping, group of people, and using that rhetoric to attack aros.

I’m also autistic, anxious, depressed, and have a history with eating disorders, plus other shit on top of that, so it should be fairly obvious at this point that one can’t hide behind one’s neurotypes and mental disorders to excuse discrimination. If someone who’s gay can be discriminatory against other gay people (e.g. ‘masc4masc, fems are just embarrassments to the community’), then someone with a disability can discriminate against other disabled people (e.g. ‘I’m just in this inpatient facility because I’m suicidal, I’m not like you crazies who see things that aren’t there).