ventricle taste test

woah remember when this happened

ive often felt a sense of escalation every time something good happens to me. like everything has to be bigger and better than the last thing and i have to grab it while i can because its not sustainable and i have to take it while its here. kiss hard on the lips and swear this year will be better than the last. but im starting to wonder if maybe it just goes on and on like this. and nothing is necessarily bigger or better its just that all the happy things in life are cumulative and they pile up and up on each other over time and you just go on like that. and there's always the next thing. and it's always special. maybe next year won't be better than this one. maybe it will be just as special. and maybe all the years pile on top of each other like that and that's why it keeps feeling bigger and better. it doesnt have to be unsustainable. its not like if you have a less good year then the whole thing topples down. its still there. its all still there and you just build on it. forever. what if its just like that.

the other day i was thinking about those people who die and everyone says "they always had a smile on their face" and how most people usually just have like. a neutral face most of the time. because can u imagine the effort it would take to always be smiling. anyway i think im becoming one of those people. i always have a smile on my face 😁

tomorrow maybe i deal with the creature in my attic. but probably not

i cant believe i get to see my darling again. so soon!