want to have kids but not badly enough (so far) to overcome my crippling fear of pregnancy/childbirth caused by strong pain avoidance instinct and body dysmorphia. hate being me.
Look into Made for This Birth/Mary Haseltine and Bridget Teyler!
Honestly, I've had severe body dysmorphia since early childhood, and while going through a cognitive behavioral therapy program a few years ago helped a lot too, nothing has helped more than my pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding!
It's made me feel so incredibly strong and confident and thankful for my body, knowing God created me with the uniquely profound ability to bring new life into the world. It was so amazing watching my little girl growing inside me on the ultrasounds and then feeling her as the pregnancy progressed. I was so amazed my body was able to allow this little tiny person to become a full size baby that my body would then be able to nourish with milk specifically designed to give her all the nutrition she needs. Literally a lot of newborns poop very little because breast milk is so perfect it gives them exactly what they need so there's no waste for them to expel! A lot of doctors call it liquid gold!
The birth was hard, I won't lie. But John 16:21 hit me harder: "When a woman is in labor, she has pain, because her hour has come. But when her child is born, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy of having brought a human being into the world." When she was placed on my chest, I couldn't think of anything but how beautiful she was and how I'd die for her. And I was able to unite with Jesus so intimately throughout the whole process but especially the birth, understanding just a little more clearly what he means when he says, "This is my body given up for you."