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butts of glory

@toes-eh / toes-eh.tumblr.com

+ nicole / 21
if you came here looking for gay boys in love, look no further
my twitter
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saltymommie

IM SO !!! FUCKING EMBARASSED ??? IM SITTING HERE WATCHING TV WITH HEADPHONES ON AND I HEAR SOMEONE SCREAMING SCREAMING LIKE HELP ME HELP ME AND I FREAKED OUT SO I CALLED THE COPS AND WAS LIKE "HI THIS COULD BE AN EMERGENCY IT COULD NOT IDK BUT I HEAR SOMEONE SCREAMING HELP ME AND MOANING LIKE THEYRE IN PAIN" AND AFTER I HUNG UP THEY SCREAMED "YES I LOVE UR FAT COCK INSIDE ME" AND THEN I GASPED...I HAD TO GO ALL THE WAY DOWN STAIRS TO TELL THE COPS NOT TO COME UP AND HOW FUCKING EMBARASSED I WAS SJSJSJSKROTKDM ANYWAY...THEYRE STILL AT IT AND LEFT THIS NOTE

Positive Ending

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madphantom

LMAAAAAO

Imagine.... imagine your... otp...?

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orarewedancy

So I work at a video game store in a mall and across the hall from us is this really nice suit shop. One day one of the guys came in an asked if they could use our microwave (the store they used to go to closed down) and we bargined for use of their bathroom in return since the mall bathrooms are like a 5 min trek.

So for like three months now we just have these men in really nice suits come in and talk while using our microwave and teach them about nerdy shit? Then I, the goblin king in various shitty tee shirts and paint stained pants, walk into their super expensive store and just get greeted with “Yo dude what’s good?” and talk about the pains of steaming silken dress shirts properly and it’s my favorite business interaction every day

A new jewelry store opened up right next to our store and when I used the bathroom today we were talking about it. I hate it on principle (they flooded our systems closet during building) and immediately both Suit Guys™ working went on mini rants. “Their suits are baggy as hell, I wouldn’t trust them to sell me a $9,000 ring when they can’t get a fitted jacket. They look so unprofessional, ” and “I saw one of the dude’s wearing a teal shirt. It’s fall, and you go with teal? At least get a color to match your store if you’re gonna ignore the seasons like that, Christ, but teal is awful.”

I live for this commentary fam.

I told the guys (Teal Man is Spencer and Baggy-Suits Guy is Arnold) that this post got this popular and they’re both super excited.

Arnold: “Sweet, we’re internet famous!”

Spencer: “131,000?!”

Arnold: “What are notes? What does that mean, is that good?”

Arnold bargined that if it gets more notes, I can A: post a pic of them crouching with peace signs in front of the Notorious Jewelry Store and B: post the video of him long boarding down to Macy’s and back lmaoooo

get crackin’ friendos

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reblogged

This site has an ongoing love affair with both Target and paranormal creepy shit so as someone who has worked at Target on and off for 14 (yes, 14) years I’m going to tell you the creepy stories about it that the other employees won’t tell you.

The Target Ghost

Every Target has a Target Ghost.  The Target Ghost is more of a prankster being than it is actually malicious, and enjoys stealing things (box knives are a favorite), moving things around, making lights flicker, and causing other assorted minor problems.  The Target Ghost mostly lives in the backroom but has been known to spend time in the fitting room, guest service, or the food court.  It tends to be followed around by spiders and other small pests so you can usually tell where it’s living currently.

It is sometimes bandied about in whispers that if you die at Target you become a Target Ghost, but no one knows for sure.

The Target Curse

The Target Curse is something YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH because it works EVERY TIME.  It has a very specific way of being invoked and what it does is hex a certain department in the store with misfortune for the day.  New employees often accidentally invoke it on their own department and then are promptly given dirty glares by all their co-workers who know exactly what they just did.

Dark Energy

There is some sort of weird energy in the backroom that attaches itself to people that go back there much like invisible spores; because of this it’s very easy to tell who spends all their time back there because they give off those vibes.

Nature and Target

In my time spent at Target I’ve noticed that the natural world has a weird fascination with Target, and seems to be actively trying to investigate it.  Birds, rabbits, and moths are frequent visitors, and every few years we have to rip up and replace the entire floor because groundwater is bubbling up beneath it and ruining the tiles.  I’ve also seen an uncanny number of rocks and branches inside the building itself.

Alternate Universes

I think there is some sort of tear in the fabric of reality that allows people from alternate universes to visit Target very easily.  Sometimes you will get guests who ask for very bizarre specific things or fill their carts up with said very bizarre specific things and then disappear, never to be seen again.  (My favorite example of this is when some very quiet people dressed in period clothes from the 19th century came in and filled up an entire cart full of silly string.  I never saw them again after that.) Often these people will also have strange stories to tell you or will tell you (with great conviction) odd beliefs and theories they have about Target, none of which are actually true– in our timeline, anyway.

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Anonymous asked:

68 pls

A million  years later, I finally filled this. Here have some girl!Kaner and sex-in-a-crisis. I was watching The Bold Type, and was semi-influenced by that.

*

Listen. It’s not like she doesn’t still have fun during sex. She doesn’t really consider it lying per se. It just hasn’t happened for her yet. An orgasm, that is. And yes, all of her female friends think she’s insane or doing it wrong. Pat Sharp proudly informed her that she’d been masturbating since she was in the fourth grade. Which okay, cool, it’s not like she hasn’t tried to get herself off. It just hasn’t worked for her. Have you tried the shower head? What about a toy? Did Sam go down on you? Yes, yes, and yes. Although she doesn’t get what the big deal is re: getting eaten out. They only tried it once. It had just felt a little slimy and left her feeling extremely self-conscious.  

None of this would even matter if Sharpy had kept her damn mouth shut during happy hour.

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gin-gin-jen

Tarot AU - “Wild Card” for @allthebros Graphic AU Challenge

Jonny remembers it well. 

His grand-mère’s deft fingers as she shuffles and allows him to make the final cut.  The cards are well-worn, a faded yellow once flipped, but without any discernible tears or creases that would allow a person to distinguish one from another before.

“Never read your own,” she instructs.  “Nothing good comes from it.”

So Jonny finds ways to read Patrick’s instead. 

The cards agree, but Jonny doesn’t need them to know that the words he presses into Patrick’s skin are true.

“Everything you touch tonight, will turn to gold.”

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1988 frat AU | made for the graphic AU challenge: #1 school!AU Pat and Jonny have been bros for a while now, living in the same frat house, partying hardcore, smoking up, and having each other’s backs. So when Jonny gets a booty call, Pat says, “I got you man,” and whips out his ‘songs to eat girls out to’ cd that has never failed him. When he learns that Jonny’s booty call was actually a dude–and after the initial shock–he sets out to make Jonny the best ‘songs to give awesome head to’ cd. He ends up thinking a lot about Jonny giving head instead. Like. A lot. And then there are more parties, and more hungover mornings and more thinking about how he might actually want on Jonny’s dick. (BONUS: Pat’s CD making evolution under the cut)

this is a work of art that should be consumed immediately

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otp prompt; “we are best friends and i found your grandmothers wedding ring in your house and i kind of am super in love with you and i know i’ll never be the one for you to give this to but im sad and bitter about it and i just wanna see what it looks like on me and its not like you’ll ever know so im gonna quickly slide it on while you’re busy, ONLY FOR A MINUTE, and wOW its beautiful and this makes me even more bitter, im just gonna pathetically bask in this pretend world for one more minute.. okay basking over, back to reality and- wait - oh shit- oh shIT ITS FUCKING STUCK ON MY FINGER OH MY FUCKING GOD. NO THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING N O. SHIT HSI TNO- OH MY GOD I HEAR YOU COMING OH NOOOO FUCK MY LIFE- oh hi… what?? im not nervous? im just um-…what am i hiding behind my back?? oh nothing- uh..fine..just don’t laugh…. ok i know this looks weird but i can explain why im wearing your grandmothers wedding ring-….sTOP LAUGHING AT ME.” au

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buuckyys
wirtten for @toes-eh and @hippietoews about a conversation we had on twitter, centered around a 1988 baby playing for team usa, and jonny being forced, once again, to wear a team usa jersey
no real warnings here, except for past mpreg

Sixteen years after retiring, Patrick still can’t get used to hearing the noise of an arena from the other side of the glass. It’s unsettling, as he sits, something not right about it. He itches to get back on the ice, to really play a game, but his wrist just isn’t quite right anymore. 

Jonny probably feels the same way, if the way he keeps frowning at the ice is anything to go by, but he’s probably frowning because he’s a horrible human being who wants to disrespect Patrick by saying, “He’d have a better chance of winning if he were Canadian.”

It’s a ridiculous thing to say, because Patrick did not carry a baby for nine months, miss two seasons and a Stanley Cup for his baby to be Canadian

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toes-eh

JASMINE. OH MY GOSH THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!! It's everything I wanted and more! you're so good

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