isolating

i just wanted to vent a little. i feel like these days ive been pushing away a lot of people. or maybe not. i dont know how to explain it. i probably have friends. (???????) but i guess i do but i tell myself that they're not really my friends and im all alone. in a sense im isolating myself from everyone no matter how close we are at the moment. i see myself as someone separate from the rest. that i'll never really be a part of their group or whatever. and whenever i am a part of them i still continue to feel isolated. and maybe im being toxic for it by always saying i dont have friends and disregarding them as my friends and then it hurts their feelings that i dont consider them a friend and then they stop considering me as a friend and BAAM i lose friends !!! idek what im saying anymore im venting so hard rn. i feel like shit. i wish i could live in my own world w j him. im tired of everyone else. i dont care about anyone else. thats probably not healthy but im so done w life and everyone around me. i j wanna be w him and him only in our own little world where time stops and no one can bother us until we die :3