Toasterabyte

no one ever tells you to appreciate your knees not hurting while you’re there. whoever you are where ever you are in life if your knees don’t hurt right now just know and remember you have about 45 seconds left

Saint Jellyfish Exhorter by seok young choi

This is the only day you can reblog this

scurvy has got to have one of the biggest disease/treatment coolness gaps of all time. like yeah too much time at sea will afflict you with a curse where your body starts unraveling and old wounds come back to haunt you like vengeful ghosts. unless☝️you eat a lemon

cats know keyboard shortcuts even microsoft doesnt know about

Slow burn but it's written by an impatient person

This doesn't affect the speed of the developing relationship at all, but does make for a very passive aggressive narrator.

“They looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment...again. Notably, they were not kissing.”

Having a lot of Disney Princess animal encounters today. First this squirrel followed me around all morning, then a deaf blind dog dragged her owner across the park to say hello to me, then this standoffish stray cat my neighbor has been feeding flopped down in front of me and put his head on my shoe. Should probably go inside before a baby bird decides I'm its mother.

Went inside and sat on the couch for a while. After about a half hour, noticed a mouse sitting next to me. Just. On the couch cushions. Like it was no big deal. What the fuck is happening.

Have you tried humming a little tune?

No, at least in the case of the mouse I automatically yelled Hey, motherfucker and dove for it because I've been trying to catch it Tom and Jerry style for months and I don't know why it's not afraid of me.

@rhyslahey

you know, i always knew albatross were big because they gots big wings, but i expected them to be herring gull size at most, but

i.

oh dear.

sir im afraid that’s not a bird

those are actual dinosaurs

god is dead because albatrosses ate him

it’s monday i’m in the labyrinth

it’s tuesday i’m in the evil lab

it’s wednesday i’m in the time loop

it’s thursday i’m in the medieval torture apparatus

🌸it’s friday i’m in love🌸

#I don't care for Monday's maze #Tuesday Wednesday time-loop haze #Thursday in the rack's embrace #It's Friday I'm in love (via @hartshorn-and-isinglass)

if you've ever used the London Underground you might have noticed that it often gets uncomfortably hot. the reason for this is actually that its builders dug too greedily & too deep and as a result the trains are very close to the fires of hell. hope that helps.

^Real advertisement from the 20s. Normal train system.

Me, plunking Stinky Bastard Man’s carrier on the counter: hi he’s here for shots and a nail trim and he’ll need to be sedated

Nurse: Are you sure? We can try-

Me: he needs to be sedated

Nurse: Well, it’ll take longer-

Me: he needs to be sedated, he will try to rip your face off

Nurse: Well we’ll try without first and we’ll let you know if we need to sedate

Me, watching her carry him away: you will need to sedate him

Nurse, coming back 10 minutes later clutching her hand: so, we will need to sedate him

Me:

A man with 3 caution stickers on his med file

Since this post blew up and people have asked for this villain’s record, here are some of Stinky Bastard Man’s more heinous crimes:

Ripped an escape hole

in the patio screen door

in a single night

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

oh my god he’s THIS Stinky Bastard Man!!!!

the stinky bastard man, the stinky bastard myth, the stinky bastard legend

Actually life is beautiful because the sound I make while trying to breathe around hot food sounds like my dog trying to eat an apple. When I yawn my cat tries to put his face in my mouth like a little dentist man and when he yawns I put my finger in his obligate-carnivore trapzone and we both know he will not hurt me. When I do not fold my clothes, they do not hold it against me.

I am demonstrably sad, and lonely, and full of fear. But there are other people who will hold my hand, who will point out the hawk overhead, who will give you That Look in a public place. The other day at a coffee shop a child said "look! It's snowing!" so all of us strangers went to go look out the windows. It wasn't the first snow and it won't be the last but wasn't it lovely, like that?

How wonderful to live in a world where birds and frogs both say beep! How wonderful to have an ocean of beautiful sharks with their dinosaur teeth! How wonderful the moon and her changing face, how wonderful the bees and their dancing to communicate, how wonderful shrimp and their forbidden layers of vision! How wonderful, you, and what you will give the world! The way we love things enough to spend entire blogs devoted to them? How people will let me explain my Pokemon team to them? How we will both jump at the scare in the movie, how we laugh so loudly, how it feels to give someone your baking? How wonderful to be alive. I am sorry for forgetting.

This is the process of getting better. With wonderful people and wonderful strangers and wonderful friends: I am getting better, slowly. Thank you, whoever you are. In some way, you've been wonderful, and left a wonderful place in the world to ripple out to me. In some small way - isn't it beautiful - I promise, you've been helping.

"How wonderful to be alive. I am sorry for forgetting."

by Krasska