Ever since I got a job as a security guard I can’t take heist movies seriously anymore.

Why is that?

Accurate heist movie: The Team is sneaking into a high security facility. An alarm is triggered, they freeze, prepared to knock out whoever responds to the alarm. It takes 40 minutes for someone to respond. When they finally do show up, they shuffle along, annoyed, arms full of 16 bags of pretzels for some reason, and reset the alarm without bothering to check their surroundings. They report that the alarm went off in error. Security control starts a fight about the correct designation of the door. The guard announces that they’re leaving the alarm key in the alarm because it’s always going off for no reason. No one challenges them on this. They shuffle away, leaving an alarm key and several bags of pretzels behind.

The Team knocks out a security guard and steals their radio. The team mimic can perfectly replicate the knocked out guard’s voice. They get caught because they pronounced the name of the company correctly.

The Team disables an alarm. The only way to do this is to rip it out of the wall and disassemble it until it physically can’t make noise anymore. This very loud process is clearly heard by the posted security guard nearby, who rolls their eyes and text their supervisor that the logistics contractors are fooling with the alarms again.

The Team breaks into the facility at night. There they meet a single security guard who is chanting potential names for NPCs in their DnD campaign out loud while they do their patrols. They encounter a fire extinguisher. They pause in their chanting to check that it is properly charged and to apply a sticker that reads, “Anal use only”. This guy is disgustingly good at their job. There’s no way around it, they’re going to catch you. And you’re going to have to deal with the fact that you’ve been had by someone who has a supply of stickers that say “Anal use only” and who unironically wanted to name their NPC shopkeep Mammogrammus.

The Team attempts to bribe a security guard. This is its own post but know there’s no way in hell that would work.

The Team breaks into the high security room and disables all the alarms. Security control sends several guards to investigate why there are no alarms going off.

The Team attempts to break into the high security room but can’t because it’s randomly decided not to let anyone at all in today.

The Team steals a keycard with “””””unlimited””””” access to the facility and gets caught because the computer system that manages keycards randomly revokes access for no reason.

The Team walks past a security guard in broad daylight wearing T-shirts that say, “We are here to rob you”. The security guard does nothing, having seen several people in logistics wearing that exact shirt two days prior.

This sounds like a great movie, honestly

I will always remember that when I worked for a pharmaceutical company in IT, there were massive security procedures, systems with air gaps, locations with biometric scanners and metal detectors and locking revolving doors, but the highest level of security was a human being in a bulletproof proof room with line of sight to the door and a button. To /get/ to the door, you had to go through tons of other layers and badge access and identity verification, but the final lock was a dual physical key (which required two people to open) and a human being with a book of photographs and a button to push.

At the onset of the 2008-onward recession it became more or less impossible to get the sort of summer gig that college students traditionally get. I couldn’t get a callback from any of the area fast food restaurants, the babysitting gigs were gone, I drew blanks on waitressing, dishwashing, landscaping, car washes, summer camps, you name it. The big local summer attraction near me is a horse racetrack, and I put in apps for every position from betting clerk to horse manure removal tech. I got one (1) job offer that summer, and it was to be a security guard. I was a 19 year old girl with a perky ponytail, big ol’ doe eyes, and no experience or interest whatsoever in policing, so I genuinely thought I’d gotten the offer because they’d confused my application with someone else’s… until the first day of training.

Training consisted of a number of retired high ranking New York State Troopers very earnestly trying to convince a room of “dudes who desperately wanted to be a cop but couldn’t jump even that low hurdle” and also “one increasingly incredulous 19 year old girl who could only hear a loud high pitched note in one ear because she stood too close to her amps at the punk show last night” not to bring swords, shurukens, or butterfly knives into work.

We went over the “do not bring in your own weapons” lecture for the majority of day 1 of training. Day 2 was also “do not bring in your own weapons” for a lot of the day, then we moved onto “identifying the different types of fire extinguisher,” and wrapped up the day with “wasp stings.” Well, actually during “wasp stings” we had a sidebar when this one guard who looked like Ben Franklin raised his hand and shared that he, personally, took care of wasps by blowing their nests up with improvised gasoline-based explosives, so technically we wrapped up the day with “do not bring in your own weapons even if those weapons are to harm a wasp.”

Day 3 was a half day, where we reviewed everything we’d learned about no weapons, fire extinguishers, and wasps, and then we took a written test, which I finished with a perfect score in three minutes so Sargeant Minetti made me grade everyone else’s. After that, I was a full ass security guard; I picked up my fake cop uniform, badge(!!!), tiny notebook, strapped a walkie to my belt, and was given my assignment. My beat was very very literally the most public facing one that existed; while most of my colleagues were posted at gates that might never get opened for the entire summer, I had “the wholeass quarter mile of pavement abutting the chain link fence that separated the public from the ponies.” My responsibilities were simple:

1. tell people to move their rolling coolers out of the fire lane

2. take people with wasp stings to the nurse

and oh yeah

3. every time a clerk at a betting window in my section accumulated more than $10,000 dollars in cash, I had to escort them for ½ of a mile through the incredibly dense crowd of drunk people, any of whom might be interested in stealing more than $10,000 dollars, and get the money safely into the giant vault.

I remember the very first run i made. The betting clerk looked at me, the 19 year old responsible for protecting both them and $10,000. I looked back at him through the mirrored aviators that I’d bought at a gas station for 5 bucks because I thought it was very very funny and good fake cop cosplay. My walkie hissed ominously.

“…Uh, so if someone tries to take the money, what are you going to do?” He asked.

“Well, I get paid 12 bucks an hour, so… nothing.” I responded. “How about you?”

We quickly arrived at an understanding.

Two of the guards from my training group got fired that summer for bringing in their own weapons, and at least one of them had both a butterfly knife and at least one shuruken. Many more dropped out as they discovered that they would not actually be doing Die Hard shit. As for me, I did literally nothing to prevent crime all summer, but I also halfheartedly cleared a path through the crowd at the front of a very sad “St. Patrick’s Day In July” parade, which made me enough of a success story that they actually called me unprompted to ask if I’d come back the next year… with one caveat.

See, the next year I returned as a weathered veteran with a spotless disciplinary record, so they gave me three hours of additional training to get a certification to become a peace officer. As a result, from ages 20-23 (when my license expired) I had the same legal powers of arrest as a police officer.

Me. They just gave me that.

In conclusion, if you’re a highly qualified team of heistmen looking to rob an entity that accumulates wealth by convincing drunk desperate people to give them their money and you pick a fucking casino when the racetrack is right there, you’re either thinking way too inside the box… or you have a healthy fear of shurukens I guess.

Only valid response to this post, everyone else can go home.

Jake Clawson appreciation post

I m not making this up since 👇 had happened

where's that "was anyone gonna tell me" meme when you need it because holy shit did the bird app just slap me in the face with this

(and yes, it's real and terrifying tbh)

"Such rains, which meteorologists are calling an extratropical storm, may change the course of the region's weather in months and years to come as the air retains more moisture"

CBS

from [X]

‘The injury happened close to me. I kept playing at first because I didn’t think it was that serious,’ said Morena, whose Brazil side ended up beating Angola 30-19.

‘Albertina is a friend of mine for many years. We both play in Romania. There was no way I couldn’t help her, because I knew it would be very difficult for her to leave the court.’

Brazil’s Tamires Morena and Angola captain Albertina Kassoma play in the same league in Romania

‘I have a special affection for her. I respect her work a lot.’

Asked what was said in their brief exchange after the gesture, Morena said: ‘She said, ‘thank you very much, my friend. Only you could lift me up. I was very hurt’.

‘Now she will recover. I hope she comes back well. We are both old, and friends who sit down for coffee and chat. We don’t have much time to go out at night, but we are lifelong friends.

The comic I did for the @gothamhorrorzine

'you never read anymore, you used to love reading' and i have 200 safari tabs open. it never stopped it just got weird

Shut up, I don't have a problem, I can stop whenever I want!

See, this, I think, is what I love about Kronk.  On the shallowest surface level, he fills the “low IQ sidekick” role.  But ONLY on the shallowest surface level.

I’d have to watch the movie again to go into any detail, but Kronk is actually the smartest damn person IN this movie.  There’s nothing he doesn’t know, he’s got all this specialized knowledge, dude is probably horrifically well read.  He’s NOT stupid, he’s just eager to please and doesn’t have a proper “No” threshhold.

In the second gif, he’s like - “No, wait, I’m not who you think I am.”

Then in the fourth, he’s like - “Oh my God, the cook is gone and she’s got all these orders.  If somebody doesn’t cook that up people are going to get upset!  They’ll take it out on this poor woman who’s been on her feet all day and doesn’t deserve their wrath!  And…oh my God…PEOPLE WILL BE HUNGRY!”

Then in the sixth gif he’s like - “NOT ON KRONK’S WATCH!”

He’s doing the right thing and he knows it.  No judgement, no condescension, just always a moment to register the task at hand, determine the most logical course of action to completing it, and then it’s GO GO GO.

His only problem is that he never stops to ask himself whether this is actually his problem to solve, or whether people are taking advantage of him, and I love him for it.

I just…love him.

Kronk is the best hands down.

Kronk is worth the entire movie. Watch the Emperor’s New Groove for Kronk.

20 INT

5 WIS

I once heard someone say Kronk was an idiot for forgetting which wine had the poison at the beginning of the movie when he and Yzma attempt to “poison” Kuzco because he had gotten distracted by the spinach puffs.

I would have forgotten. You would have forgotten. Yzma, the supposed “smart one” between them would have forgotten.

Kronk’s solution? Mix ALL the wine, and then tell Yzma not to drink it!

When Kronk first “met” Pacha and lost Kuzco, and tried to catch up to him, only to meet him later and said he “looked familiar”? 

Tell me, would you be able to recognize someone if you only saw a profile of them, from a distance, in a crowded area?

After the chase scene, and Yzma and Kronk somehow make it back before Kuzco and Pacha. Even Yzma doesn’t know how they made it back first, and Kronk pulls this map out of the sky that tracked where they were.

“Well, you got me. By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense.”

Kronk is the best thing to happen to this movie.

A bit of a tangent, maybe - but IMO, nobody except Patrick Warburton could’ve made this character work.

Warburton’s performing voice has a certain… I dunno what to call it (timbre? Pitch?) that sits right on the knife’s-edge between “Actually that stupid” and “sarcastically pretending to be that stupid”. You can assume it’s either, depending on what you personally think works best for any given scene, any given joke, or any given line.

The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.

Once upon a time there was Netflix, and it cost $8 per month to watch pretty much any movie ever made instantly. It made sense. Everybody had Netflix and life was good.

Then there was Hulu, and it seemed weird at first to have two streaming services. But basic Hulu was free and mostly streamed TV shows so it kind of made sense. Soon they charged a small fee for the convenience of streaming TV shows without ads, which also made sense.

Life was very good. People forgot that piracy even existed.

Then a few years later they added about 200 other streaming services, each one costing more than the last, and each stripping away "exclusive" content from the other services, and now there are UNSKIPPABLE COMMERCIALS and the fucking planet is on fire

Reject modernity, embrace tradition.

*dusts off external hard drive with 2TB of pirated content* Hello old friend.

I will always be thinking about that one bit in the opening of under the red hood animated movie where Jason after fighting so hard to make his way to the warehouse door only to find it locked hears the ticking sound and looks over to see the bomb seconds away from detonating and instead of fear or anger or any other panic he looks calm in the final seconds Jason accepts he will die

I just dont think DC will ever top that

He was only 15 years old yet he comes to terms with his death so easily

The whiplash of going from grinning and spitting blod in Jokers face to the deadpan stare of acceptance in two minutes is a hell of a way to kickstart a movie.

Also shoutout to comic Jason for using his last seconds to act as a human shield to the woman who sold him out and who's fault this entire situation is.

Joker is a demented bastard but I don't think I will ever hate a comic character more than Sheila Haywood.

I know a company that does both these things and no surprise, when you shop there, the employees are always miserable and agitated.You should kill your managers in such situations imo. The only reason I receive treatment slightly above this is i'm lucky enough to have managers who are also bothered by these business practices. The water one is especially bad if you have heat intolerance, I was so sick regularly before I switched to a department with more leniency regarding water.

Depending on where you live these things may violate labor laws though so if you're in the same situation look into it. However in my experience any labor law violations happen without consequence regardless

"a department with more leniency regarding water" is an insane string of words

If you live in the US, the water thing absolutely violates labor laws.

The lack of chairs is an OSHA violation too.

Yes, violations often happen without consequences. But remember, not keeping the poster with all your rights as a worker visible? Is a violation too.

Document it. Photos, screenshots, save your emails, record conversations if you're in a one-party consent state. Then?

Report their asses.

If nothing happens, report them again. And again and again, until someone pays attention.

Here's the link with info and how to file a complaint:

You can also call them: 1-800-321-OSHA

Keep in mind: complaints signed and submitted to local OSHA offices are more likely to result in OSHA inspections. Therefore, sending your complaints to OSHA's national headquarters may not be the fastest or most efficient method.

If you file online, it's automatically routed to the appropriate local office.

Even if there is not a specific guideline for the thing you want to report, all employers must adhere to the "general duty" clause... and you'd be surprised about all the things that fall under that.

For example, refusal to provide chairs anywhere in the building (in addition to being illegal and discriminatory anyway) also comes under the "fall protection" hazard. The CDC recommends that standing any longer than 15-30 minutes per hour can become a serious health hazard.

Yes- companies will always try to get away with breaking the law and fucking you over. That's how they've made their money.

But having a defeatist attitude and believing there is nothing you can do, and they'll never experience a consequence, so why bother reporting, is exactly how a lot of them keep getting away with it.

There are more of us workers than there are bosses. Solidarity- stand together, know your rights, and fight for them like hell. That is how we affect change.

U.N.I.O.N.I.S.E.

no caption

I finally finished the second chapter of this doodle comic!

Basically from a translation machine:

It's called notes, but it's really bullshit time:

(I didn't put any asterisks in the "text" in order to make the picture cleaner and not make this little comic seem too serious)

①WX says that their body "doesn't have any of those really advanced things" and that "the concept is just bionic", which might make you wonder how WX can agree with their own shortcomings when they are always been so confident in their own machine body. This is kind of a guess: WX's comments in the wiki about Wagstaff being "afraid of progress" and "short-sighted", combined with WX's usual machine-worshiping and violent tendencies, such as their comments about Maxwell "He has that kind of power but he doesn't go out and destroy human". So it's an offense to them, but they actually agree that even though they claim to be superior, I guess WX would like to see their bodies more advanced and even more radical.

② Yes, this WX has acceleration circuits installed.

③ Gnome get✓ Do you guys remember the line where WX checks the Gnome

④ "You're not as kind as you look", how should I put this one, because the Wilson I understand is more or less with a little bit of darkness in his mind, he's someone who is full of emotions but often restrains them with reason, he fears and hates the negative impulses and instincts within himself. And this trait I think probably comes from his good nature, his education and survival experiences and the influence of the Shadow Throne. (But honestly after suffering in CONSTANT for so long, it's normal for whoever it is to be a little psychologically unhinged, not to mention the SANITY setting.) And after WX's soulwalking, they easily have some "psychic empathy" with Wilson... ...... Well, how did that happen Wilson?

⑤ Well I know the reasoning of the empathy module episode is weird ...... In fact, it's mainly because when I drew this plot I didn't have a good understanding of the empathy module, and simply thought of it as something like "emotional deficiency", so this episode was supposed to be Wilson saying "why do I still feel emotional ups and downs blabla" and then WX explaining that it's because of "memories of emotional experiences", which would have made a lot more sense.

⑥I guess it's my own personal setting: although the game doesn't make a distinction, I don't think WX as a robot would have a "headache and blurred vision due to lack of sanity". The system will be affected, sure, but the physiology won't necessarily feel it. It's hard to go from luxury to frugality, and since there is no experience in the eternal realm in the human era, WX can't adapt to the negative impacts of sanity reduction at all.

⑦Wilson's curiosity and desire to explore and then equipped with WX's hardware strength is simply ON FIRE. and "adapting to the human body so quickly" this conclusion mainly comes from the last chapter when the two people just transformed the body, Wilson's side is very difficult, while the WX on the contrary, it seems to be very easy. Even when they suddenly possessed internal organs, blood, light weight and so on, there was no adverse reaction. Wilson, who loves to observe, has always had suspicions (sorry however I didn't draw this clue out)

⑧ on the one hand, just learned a shocking secret, excited and energetic Wilson, on the other hand is the history of the exposure, and is also experiencing unprecedented headache WX. so the two temperament is not quite the same as usual.

⑨ "Wiped of most of their human memories" from the game's credits: "Suddenly recalling the memories of his past life, WX-78 soon decides to change his fate on his own."

⑩ Those of you who have fought Shadow creatures online might know that the only way a teammate's Shadow creature will have hatred for you is if you've forcibly attacked them. What happened here is that WX forced an attack on Wilson's Shadow Creature (except that Wilson was still relying on his headache of empirical judgment and didn't realize that his SANITY was too low), and then WX's own shadow creatures that were looming all showed up as well, which is why it became so much more. I don't have a very comprehensive understanding of this mechanic online though, and it doesn't seem to be very rigorous, so that's probably what it is anyway.

I accidentally added a lot more, mainly because of the limited ability to express the drawing ... Hope you enjoy!