im hurt because it all feels like a lie.

for weeks you were thinking about breaking up with me.

for weeks you knew the ending of us was near.

yet for weeks you were making plans for the future and making memories that i used to hold close to my heart.

but those plans will never be fulfilled and those memories are tarnished.

you tainted every single word and every single moment.

you lied about our plans.

you lied about our future.

you lied about ghosting me.

you lied about wanting to be friends.

how am i supposed to know you didnt lie when you said you loved me?

you said you loved me after you had already ripped out my heart.

how am i supposed to know you didnt say that as a lousy attempt to soften the blow?

because all it did was make this hurt more because none of it makes sense.

if you werent lying when you said you were happy in our relationship and happy being with me then why would you leave something that makes you happy?

why would something that makes you happy not be for you?

how can i believe you when you said i did nothing wrong?

how can i believe you when you said you wanted to be in a relationship in the first place?

how can i believe that the reason you told me you were ending things was the truth?

how can i believe that any of it was real…

i feel stupid.

im angry with myself.

how could i let myself be vulnerable with someone yet again?

i knew better.

i know i dont want to get hurt like this anymore.

it never feels worth it in the end.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #90

sometimes my mind gets flooded with all the memories we made.

the years we spent together.

the laughs.

the smiles.

the hugs.

the late night talks.

i will never stop wondering “what if”.

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #87

i hope this reaches you

i remember your smell

i remember your touch

i remember your laugh

i remember how you would breathe when you would fall asleep when i would play with your hair 

i remember the way you would look at me when i caught you staring and how you would try to hide it

i remember the way your lips would feel against mine and how your arms would pull me closer

and when i remember these moments and these little things, for just a second i miss being with you.

but then i remember everything else.

i remember your words like daggers

i remember your icy cold glares

i remember your yelling

i remember how the tension between us could be cut with a knife and my body shaking with anxiety

i remember the late nights when i would soak my pillow with tears and clench my knees to my chest

i remember the times where your rage would be so blinding i’d have to force you to pull over

i remember the pain.

and when i remember these moments and these little things, for just a second i think i hate you. 

but i don’t. 

and i never will. 

//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #84//

“don’t settle.

listen to your gut.

know your worth.

if he doesn’t appreciate you now he won’t ever.

you know what you deserve.

choose yourself.”

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #81 // for anyone who needs this

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #80 // i never wanted to hurt you

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #77 // your sorrys won’t heal my broken heart

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #76

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #75

-excerpt from book i’ll never write #74

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #73

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #72

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #70 // i wish i could go back to the moment every night since

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #69

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #68 // you don’t realize what you have till it’s gone.. and it’s the saddest thing ever

“my thoughts roam to places i tell them not to go.

i beg them even,

yet they still manage to get there.

i vividly remember the words you once said to her,

the ones you used to say to me too.

the visuals of you two together,

the look you used to give to me too.

the excitement in your voice when you spoke about her,

the same you had for me too.

but now you’re back.

you claim you want me.

but was i passing through your head

in those moments my thoughts roam to?

when you said the same words

you once said to me?

when you spent moments with her

and looked at her as if she was your whole world

like i used to be?

when you spoke about her

like she was your favorite memory as a child

like i used to be?

because you were.

and you still are.

but was i?

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #68 // you stopped thinking about me the moment your lips touched hers