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#excerpts from my life – @thoughtful-lisztomaniac on Tumblr
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@thoughtful-lisztomaniac / thoughtful-lisztomaniac.tumblr.com

don't tell them anything
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they say the reason they’re called sunflowers is because they face the sun

and just as simple as that sounds

i am your sunflower.

just like any other living thing we may not need the sun

we may use alternatives to survive

but to truly grow,

to truly flourish,

we need the sun.

before you i was surving.

but now you drive me bloom into the absolute best i can be,

and i look towards you

because darling,

you are as radiant as the sun

when you smile

when you laugh

when you’re you.

you are my sun as i am your sunflower.

and i will continue to grow as you will continue to shine your beautiful light on me.

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #85

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i hope this reaches you

i remember your smell

i remember your touch

i remember your laugh

i remember how you would breathe when you would fall asleep when i would play with your hair 

i remember the way you would look at me when i caught you staring and how you would try to hide it

i remember the way your lips would feel against mine and how your arms would pull me closer

and when i remember these moments and these little things, for just a second i miss being with you.

but then i remember everything else.

i remember your words like daggers

i remember your icy cold glares

i remember your yelling

i remember how the tension between us could be cut with a knife and my body shaking with anxiety

i remember the late nights when i would soak my pillow with tears and clench my knees to my chest

i remember the times where your rage would be so blinding i’d have to force you to pull over

i remember the pain.

and when i remember these moments and these little things, for just a second i think i hate you. 

but i don’t. 

and i never will. 

//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #84//

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“don’t settle.

listen to your gut.

know your worth.

if he doesn’t appreciate you now he won’t ever.

you know what you deserve.

choose yourself.”

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #81 // for anyone who needs this

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"i sat alone in my room listening to the same sad songs. i didn't want to think about it. i didn't want to give myself the opportunity to change my mind. but the sad songs played, and one of the songs made me think, "am i giving up? am i running away? what is the real reason behind all of this?" even in this moment i'm still puzzled and can't quite find the answers. all i know is that i love you and that i wish i knew whether or not we would be okay."

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #80 // i never wanted to hurt you

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i never thought i would feel my heart smile ever again. but then, there was that one night. i remember it like it was yesterday. do you remember it? i hope you do. we were in the back seat of your car. i asked you something that had been on my mind. “what would you do if i transferred to college in New York?” it was dark, but the faint hue of the street light in the distance reached far enough for me to see the crinkle between your eyebrows form. “what do you mean?” “i mean, what would you do?” i saw your face slightly relax, “well, i would call you more. i’d video call you too.” “you wouldn’t leave?” your face slowly went to confusion, “leave where?” “this relationship.” “no, why would i? then neither of us would be happy.”

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #79 // thank you for making my face and my heart smile 

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“you deserve better” the 3 words i never want to hear from your mouth. followed by, “you can’t change my mind” you never said the exact words but i knew what you meant. you didn’t have to say them. i heard my heart break in my chest. i heard the cracking. the sharp snap. my stomach sinking. my breathing getting heavy. the tears falling from my face. and the endless endless thoughts.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #76

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sometimes i still catch myself thinking about you.  my mind will wander into questions i will never get answers to how is she? i wonder what she’s doing? does she think of me when she sees cotton candy skies? is she missing me like i miss her?

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #75

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“i’ll tell you to leave 100 times hoping every time you’ll stay.
i’ll yell at you to provoke you hoping every time you’ll just try to calm me down.
i’ll tell you i’m done to make you give up hoping every time you realize i’m not going anywhere.
i’ll tell you you deserve better to make you find better hoping every time you’ll just reassure me.
i’ll do all of this to make you leave to prevent myself from disappointment
hoping every time you’ll prove me wrong and actually stay.

-excerpt from book i’ll never write #74

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“i’d be lying if i said
there wasn’t a countless number of times
where i told myself
i’m over you
just to soon realize
i wasn’t.
i’d be lying if i said
i was completely okay with being on my own and
i didn’t try to find solice in others.
i’d be lying if i said
i never succumbed to my longing
and would tell myself
maybe there was no way to get over you.
i’d be lying if i said
weeks and months wouldn’t go by
and yet i would still get hit with a wave of nostalgia
and it would be 2am
and while you were sleeping peacefully,
i would be soaking my pillow with i miss you’s.
i’d be lying if i said
sometimes seeing you with her
didn’t bring me back to the harsh reality that
now i’m not the one you were holding at night.
i’d be lying if i said
there weren’t restless nights
that i would close my eyes
and somehow still feel your touch lingering on my skin
and my nose captivated by your scent
and it would bring me peace.
i’d be lying if i said
it didn’t take months for me to realize
no matter how much time went by,
no matter how much growth you endured,
it would not take away the pain
you brought upon me for years.
i’d be lying if i said
it was only when the thought of us being together in the future that lingered
deep
deep
down
vanished,
did i finally realize i was over you.
i would be lying if i said
i’m still in love with you
and would most definitely
be lying if i said
i miss you.”

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #73

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you asked me to be patient.  and so i was. you asked me to stay. so i did. you asked me to give you another chance. so i gave you one every time. you asked me to trust you. so i gave you my heart. you asked me to never stop loving you. and so i still havent.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #71 // yet you were the one who left..

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“we walked to the center of the softball field. you layed out a blanket and we sat down, the grass damp from the mist and fog throughout the day. the blanket was rather small, but i couldn’t help but think to myself that i was actually glad that it was. i wanted an excuse to be close to you.
it started off with just random conversation topics: work, class, favorite music artists. as time went by, i ended up on your lap in your arms talking about family and life itself. the night grew and by the time we knew it, we looked up and saw the stars. there’s never a clear night in our city, yet here we were, seeing a shooting star and naming the constellations.
time felt frozen in that moment with you. you tried kissing me that night but i didn’t let you, in fear of ruining the moment. to me, a kiss isn’t just a kiss, it is the beginning of something turning from innocent to real. i just wanted to enjoy that moment, in your arms, talking about everything and nothing.
so i simply kissed your cheek. oh how i wish i would have just kissed you in that moment. but i couldn’t. i wasn’t ready for things to become real. although things between us weren’t all that real, that moment was. the intimacy. your touch. me feeling content. the stars. time seemed to have frozen. it felt like a dream, but darling, it was real.”

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #70 // i wish i could go back to the moment every night since

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“fuck whoever made you want to never love again. fuck whoever made you cry so hard your ribs were burning. fuck whoever made you doubt every single word that came out of someone’s mouth. love is a beautiful thing. they just didn’t know how to love you correctly. but just hold on love, you’ll find someone who will, and they’ll make you forget about the ones who wish they knew how.”

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #62 // because oh, how they are missing out

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you shouldn’t have to beg for someone to stay in your life. you shouldn’t have to wonder if someone will leave. you shouldn’t have to feel as though you’re not good enough. you shouldn’t have to doubt their words and promises. you shouldn’t have to feel like love is a negative thing. because if someone loves you, they’ll fight through the arguments. if someone loves you, they’ll always stay. if someone loves you, no one would even come close to ever being compared to you. if someone loves you, they’ll mean what they say. if someone loves you, you’ll know it’s real.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #61 // you would have stayed.

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"it's amazing how words work. whole and hole sound exactly the same, with complete opposite meanings. one cannot be whole with a hole. but when you think about it,  were we ever whole? or were we always just filled,  with holes? maybe that's the purpose of living. to figure out where we have holes, and to try and fill them. but we'll always have holes. and we'll never be whole.'

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #58

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