im hurt because it all feels like a lie.

for weeks you were thinking about breaking up with me.

for weeks you knew the ending of us was near.

yet for weeks you were making plans for the future and making memories that i used to hold close to my heart.

but those plans will never be fulfilled and those memories are tarnished.

you tainted every single word and every single moment.

you lied about our plans.

you lied about our future.

you lied about ghosting me.

you lied about wanting to be friends.

how am i supposed to know you didnt lie when you said you loved me?

you said you loved me after you had already ripped out my heart.

how am i supposed to know you didnt say that as a lousy attempt to soften the blow?

because all it did was make this hurt more because none of it makes sense.

if you werent lying when you said you were happy in our relationship and happy being with me then why would you leave something that makes you happy?

why would something that makes you happy not be for you?

how can i believe you when you said i did nothing wrong?

how can i believe you when you said you wanted to be in a relationship in the first place?

how can i believe that the reason you told me you were ending things was the truth?

how can i believe that any of it was real…

i feel stupid.

im angry with myself.

how could i let myself be vulnerable with someone yet again?

i knew better.

i know i dont want to get hurt like this anymore.

it never feels worth it in the end.

“i knew you didn’t love me anymore just by the way you held me.”

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #89

“i watched as you turned your back on me for what felt like the hundreth time. “when will you pick me..” i said under my breath, holding back tears. i wanted to scream. i wanted to demand that for once it was me. that for once you saw me... that for once the one who mattered was me.”

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #88

sometimes my mind gets flooded with all the memories we made.

the years we spent together.

the laughs.

the smiles.

the hugs.

the late night talks.

i will never stop wondering “what if”.

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #87

your worst mistake was loving me.

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #86

they say the reason they’re called sunflowers is because they face the sun

and just as simple as that sounds

i am your sunflower.

just like any other living thing we may not need the sun

we may use alternatives to survive

but to truly grow,

to truly flourish,

we need the sun.

before you i was surving.

but now you drive me bloom into the absolute best i can be,

and i look towards you

because darling,

you are as radiant as the sun

when you smile

when you laugh

when you’re you.

you are my sun as i am your sunflower.

and i will continue to grow as you will continue to shine your beautiful light on me.

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #85

i hope this reaches you

i remember your smell

i remember your touch

i remember your laugh

i remember how you would breathe when you would fall asleep when i would play with your hair 

i remember the way you would look at me when i caught you staring and how you would try to hide it

i remember the way your lips would feel against mine and how your arms would pull me closer

and when i remember these moments and these little things, for just a second i miss being with you.

but then i remember everything else.

i remember your words like daggers

i remember your icy cold glares

i remember your yelling

i remember how the tension between us could be cut with a knife and my body shaking with anxiety

i remember the late nights when i would soak my pillow with tears and clench my knees to my chest

i remember the times where your rage would be so blinding i’d have to force you to pull over

i remember the pain.

and when i remember these moments and these little things, for just a second i think i hate you. 

but i don’t. 

and i never will. 

//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #84//

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #83 

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #82 

“don’t settle.

listen to your gut.

know your worth.

if he doesn’t appreciate you now he won’t ever.

you know what you deserve.

choose yourself.”

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #81 // for anyone who needs this

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #79 // thank you for making my face and my heart smile 

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #76

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #75

-excerpt from book i’ll never write #74

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #73

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #72