☾

im hurt because it all feels like a lie.

for weeks you were thinking about breaking up with me.

for weeks you knew the ending of us was near.

yet for weeks you were making plans for the future and making memories that i used to hold close to my heart.

but those plans will never be fulfilled and those memories are tarnished.

you tainted every single word and every single moment.

you lied about our plans.

you lied about our future.

you lied about ghosting me.

you lied about wanting to be friends.

how am i supposed to know you didnt lie when you said you loved me?

you said you loved me after you had already ripped out my heart.

how am i supposed to know you didnt say that as a lousy attempt to soften the blow?

because all it did was make this hurt more because none of it makes sense.

if you werent lying when you said you were happy in our relationship and happy being with me then why would you leave something that makes you happy?

why would something that makes you happy not be for you?

how can i believe you when you said i did nothing wrong?

how can i believe you when you said you wanted to be in a relationship in the first place?

how can i believe that the reason you told me you were ending things was the truth?

how can i believe that any of it was real…

i feel stupid.

im angry with myself.

how could i let myself be vulnerable with someone yet again?

i knew better.

i know i dont want to get hurt like this anymore.

it never feels worth it in the end.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #90

“i knew you didn’t love me anymore just by the way you held me.”

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #89

“i watched as you turned your back on me for what felt like the hundreth time. “when will you pick me..” i said under my breath, holding back tears. i wanted to scream. i wanted to demand that for once it was me. that for once you saw me... that for once the one who mattered was me.”

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #88

sometimes my mind gets flooded with all the memories we made.

the years we spent together.

the laughs.

the smiles.

the hugs.

the late night talks.

i will never stop wondering “what if”.

- excerpt from a book i’ll never write #87