I want a love that wakes up every morning and feels lucky to have me. I want a love without hesitation, without doubt. A love that can say, “yes, yes I am in love with you” without having to stutter at the question. I want a love that keeps me safe, but that at the same time pulls me towards the things that I am too scared to do alone. I want a love that holds my hand, that says “I am here, I am here”. A love that never lets me forget it. I want a love that never makes me feel alone, a love that understands, or at the least, tries to. I want a love that never curses me out in the middle of the street, a love that never frightens me. A love that uses their voice kindly, a love that understands my body still remembers what it is like to be dragged out into the mud of everything unholy. I want a love that knows I will always carry that trauma with me, a love that never asks me to ‘just get over it’. I want a love that understands not all the poems will be about them, a love that understands that there was something before this, before him, and it wasn’t always kind. wasn’t always a good place to be, wasn’t where my heart was safe. A love that understands I must tell these stories, a love that understands my survival depends on this. I want a love that always calls me back. A love that moves its own feet towards apologies whenever and wherever they are needed. I want a love that takes my hands and says, thank you. A love that appreciates me. A love that knows that although I am a woman drowned in sorrow and grief, I am still here, and I am still trying. I want a love that is my personal hype man, a man that doesn’t just tell me I am beautiful, but makes me feel it. A love that says, “ you are kind”, “you are smart”, “you are capable of anything”. I want a love that stands up first in a crowd full of people for me, even if they must stand alone. I want a love that isn’t afraid of what the rest of the world thinks, because they know that love is better without boundaries. A love that knows that love is better when you stop caring about what other people think of it. A love that doesn’t look for other people’s approval to love me. I want a love that never makes me feel unworthy. I want a love brave enough to stay, a love that wants to stay, a love that says, “things aren’t always easy, but this is where my heart is, this is where I want to be”.

365 days later and although I was never really in love with you, I think of you at midnight. The clock strikes past twelve and I entertain my mothers tradition that you are allowed 12 grapes at midnight- that you are allowed one wish per grape. Suddenly, I am not just doing this for her, but for me too. 12 wishes is all I get and I find room for you even then, in such a small number. I hope you’re happy. I hope your heart has grown stronger roots and planted itself beside a heart that keeps you safe. I hope you’ve found someone who knows how to be both the sunlight and the rain, but most of all someone who knows when to be which. I am sorry that I could have never been the woman strong enough to take your roots and plant them elsewhere. The truth is I had too many of my own roots to dig up, some of my own pain to heal. There was only room in my world for one of us. I chose myself because you never would have. Happy New Years. 

There was so much in me that wanted to bury myself beneath the heavy burden of losing you. The other part of me refuses to keep letting you have the best of me. You have had the best of me. You kissed me at a time where I had begun to let my heart grow new, stronger roots. You held me at a time where I wasn't afraid anymore. You witnessed me for the woman I was- brave, or naive, whichever aligns best with the version of me that was always casting herself off ledges to keep you. I stepped out of who I was in order to become someone you could fall in love with. Someday. In the near future. And we never quite made it there. And I finally understand why roadblocks exist. We were never meant to fall in love with each other. You were just meant to remind me that there is still so much room left in my heart for beautiful things to happen. You were the one to whom I opened up my heart to, a reminder that I still could. And I was the girl who helped you believe in the idea that there was still someone out there left in the world who loved you in spite of everything ugly you could become. I was the girl who put her world at your feet, the girl who reminded you of all the different ways you could love a person. Because at the end of the day- some part of me loved you. Some part of me still does. But I also know that we aren't the right people for each other. I learned that the hard way but still a lesson well learned. Because you're happy in your existence alongside hers and because I haven't let bad love turn me inside out. Because there is still so much of me that keeps trying, and living, and loving.

Cleaning up messes / @thewordsyouneverunderstood

Please don’t let her touch you / Abagail Pacheco

A list of all the boys I’ve kissed // thewordsyouneverunderstood

What Happens Then? // thewordsyouneverunderstood

- Fixer and Love // thewordsyouneverunderstood

Typewriters For Christmas Presents and Love , thewordsyouneverunderstood

And it'll almost be like a warning sign, "She won't love anyone like she loved me." thewordsyouneverunderstood

For The Boy With Pretty Blue Eyes That Taught Me About The Kind of Love That Lasts, thewordsyouneverunderstood

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- Until we get it right // thewordsyouneverunderstood

And then I’ll be able to forget all about it, all about you // thewordsyouneverunderstood

- happy late birthday baby// thewordsyouneverunderstood

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