The Punisher + Onion headlines (1/?)
requested by @afigureofspeech
—you can love him, but you can’t keep him
What’s the deal with you two?
The first time I got scared… was on a plane on the way home. I kept thinking God was gonna pull the rug out from under us, you know? shit, that’s his kind of funny, you know. But the plane landed safe and we were home. Driving through traffic. Yeah, you pass fast food and donut shops and all that… that greasy shit. It’s the shit you fought to protect and then the car stops. We were outside her school. I get to her classroom, right? She’s in there… but she’s got no idea. She’s got no idea that Daddy’s home. I walk in, these kids, they’re not even studying, they’re… doing some kind of yoga. Yeah. You know? She’s there. She’s doing her poses, you know. She’s bending and, you know, she’s moving. She looks like a flower. Yeah. And, you know, you can’t even understand it, you know, how does something like that have… How does something that beautiful… How does that… does that come from me, you know? And she looks up and she sees me. I see her. By God, that’s real. That’s real, Red. Boom. In an instant, she’s across that classroom floor, she’s in my arms. She’s squeezing me so tight, I swear I was gonna bust a rib, you know? We just stayed there like that, we’re holding each other. Teacher, she’s filming the whole thing on her phone, you know, she’s gonna put it on YouTube or some shit. She can’t hold the thing steady, because, you know, she’s… she’s bawling so hard, and the kids are all wailing, you know, they’re screaming. And me? shit, I’m the worst of all. I’m a… I’m a rubber-face clown, you know. I cried so hard. But not my baby. Not my girl. You know, she’s my girl. She’s… She’s not crying, she’s holding me up. My girl, she’s keeping me on my feet. She says, “I knew it, Daddy. I knew it.” And then we go home. Wife, the boy. Place is the exact same. It’s like it was just holding its breath waiting for me to get back, you know? Then it hit me. All of it, you know.
One batch. Two batch. Penny and dime.