The Kenobi series should show a flashback to what had to be the weirdest, most awkward conversation in galactic history:
Obi-Wan: [at a pay phone on Tatooine] Hello, is this Owen Lars? H-hello, yes, my name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Owen: Oh yeah, you worked with my stepbrother, right? Obi-Wan: …you know who I am? Owen: Well I only met Anakin once for like, a day, but I overheard him yelling your name while he was having a meltdown in the other room. Obi-Wan: …that sounds about right. Owen: Also the message you left for him while he was here kind of interrupted my stepmom’s funeral. Obi-Wan: Oh! I, I am sorry about that. Um, anyways, so, I’m actually on Tatooine right now, and – [Luke starts crying] Owen: …do you have a baby with you? Obi-Wan: Ha! Um, yes, actually, so, funny story – well, no, as it happens it’s an entirely not funny story, but er, so turns out Anakin was, uh, married. Owen: Oh yeah? That girl that was with him that time? You know, they kind of stole our protocol droid. And I still can’t find one that speaks Bocce. Obi-Wan: Oh. That’s unfortunate. Anyways, I’m afraid I have some bad news: Anakin and Padme are both, um, sort of…not alive. Anymore. Owen: Oh, I am sorry to hear that. Both of them? What happened? Obi-Wan: … Owen: Hello? Obi-Wan: Yes I’m still here, I just. [clears throat] Well it was a terrible week, and let’s just say the Empire killed them both and leave it at that. Owen: What Empire? Obi-Wan: Oh, right, I should have mentioned that the Republic is over and has been taken over by a fascist regime. And that the Jedi Order’s been destroyed. And as a Jedi, I’m now considered an enemy of the Empire. So I’ve fled here, to Tatooine. [Luke cries again] Owen: So what’s with the baby? Obi-Wan: Right! That’s actually why I’m calling, you see, Anakin and Padme had childr- a child, and he’s with me. But I, I have a bit of a target on my back, you see, and I don’t have a lot of experience with, uh, babies. Owen: [warily] …oh? Obi-Wan: …and I was just thinking, you know, perhaps you’d take him in and raise him and help keep him under the Empire’s radar. It should only be for the next 15, 20 years or so. [pause] 25, max. Owen: … Obi-Wan: I, I won’t be going anywhere, of course! I’m planning to live in this, um, shack I found, beyond the Dune Sea? So I’ll plan to come by every so often to spy – to, uh, supervise, from afar? Owen: Excuse me?! Obi-Wan: Or not! Heh, I don’t, I won’t be any trouble. But I really, really can’t keep the boy myself. Because of the being a fugitive and all. Owen: [the first in several decades of world-weary sighs] OK, come over I guess. Obi-Wan: Wonderful! See you soon.
So, I’m very pleased that people liked this one, but REALLY: I have been laughing about this whole thing for YEARS.
How. HOW. How did Yoda and Bail and Obi-Wan just LEAP to this conclusion? Yoda was just that good at predicting the future that he could sense from the other end of the galaxy that Owen and Beru would take a few-day-old infant from some guy they’d never met before? AND THEY SEEM SO CHILL ABOUT IT IN REVENGE OF THE SITH:
And Bail and Obi-Wan are just like “’k, that sounds like a plan, sure, we’ll send him to total strangers who will for sure be fine with all of this including the fact that Ancient Evil would not hesitate to murder them if any of this is ever discovered” and Obi-Wan is like “yep and I’ll just lurk in the shadows and watch over him” like they are ASSUMING SO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW.
I’m dying, because what if Obes had hauled his devastated, emotionally and physically scarred body all the way over to Tatooine with a newborn, and Owen and Beru had been like “…uh actually, we’re not interested in having a child, and we’re not even sure if we 100% believe this insane story, especially since we’ve literally never seen or spoken to you before, ever”? Or “sorry, this is just too big of an ask considering the threat to our lives involved here?” WHAT THE HELL WOULD OBI-WAN HAVE DONE? What if he’d shown up and Owen and Beru had moved off planet, or died or something? 😄 Yes, yes: he’s Good and all and so he probably would have attempted to raise Luke on his own at least for a while or something, which would have been mildly disastrous AND hilarious, but also I would DIE LAUGHING if he’d have GONE BACK TO ALDERAAN or something.
Bail, grabbing him by the shirt and yanking him inside his palace, all “what in the hell are you doing here, Kenobi?! We agreed to all go our separate ways until the time is right! What – oh my gods, is that the child?! You brought him BACK here? With you?” I’d be down for the AU where Obi-Wan just sort of moves in with Bail and Breha and becomes the Skytwins’ nanny who has to live in a storage room so as not to be seen in public. Bonus points if Vader shows up at some point and his Force-radar is going CRAZY because is there something in your utilities room, Organa? and Bail has to find a way to get him the hell out of there before Anakin finds Obi-Wan hiding in a laundry basket or something.
I’m still on the floor laughing about Obi-Wan hiding in the laundry basket, but my brain is also enjoying the hell out of the early part of this AU, in which Breha Organa has taken a break from cradling her now two (TWO!) newborn children to shut Obi-Wan and Bail into a room and read them both the riot act for trying to send poor innocent baby Luke to Tatooine of all places and foist him on the Larses, who certainly did not ask for ANY of this. (At least Breha was actively looking to adopt a child, for the Goddess’s sake. And it actually makes sense for the baby Princess – and now, Prince – of Alderaan to have a full security detail to protect them. Any kind of extra protection for the Larses would’ve made things even MORE conspicuous.)
Bail spent a few moments when Obi-Wan first showed up attempting to pretend to Breha that this was a war orphan from another family entirely unrelated to Leia’s, but he’s bad at lying to Breha, and the Queen of Alderaan was born at night but it wasn’t LAST night, so she doesn’t buy it for a second. And when Obi-Wan (who is uncharacteristically tongue-tied in front of Breha, his flirtation and negotiation skills out the window for the moment) suggests that they thought it might be less dangerous if the twins were separated, Breha REALLY goes off. (It’s possible that the words “ARE YOU ON SPICE?” may have been uttered.)
“I’m going to go say goodnight to my babies now,” Breha says, emphasizing the plural just enough for them to notice. “You two will stay here and think about how we might hide Obi-Wan from the Empire. But I get to approve it, because apparently the two of you cannot be trusted to organize so much as a sack lunch.” And with a rustle of skirts, she has left the two of them alone.
Obi-Wan (kind of impressed, honestly): Wow.
Bail: Yeah, pretty much.