TFW your roommate doesn't seem to understand that just living in the same space as all your stuff doesn't make it hers.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

There isn’t enough paper in the world for all the little passive-aggressive notes I think about leaving for my roommate.

After keeping me awake until nearly 3am, the LEAST my roommate and her weekend fling could do is stay in bed until after I get up, so I get first crack at the bathroom.

I just noticed a distressing similarity between my relationship with my roommate and that of Dan O’Brien and Michael Swaim on Agents of Cracked.

God help me.

Top Tip: Want to make a good impression on your potential girlfriend’s roommate? After you talk about how great the Clue movie is and display an impressive knowledge of Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson’s shared filmography, if you and said proto-girlfriend decide you want to watch Clue in her room, ask the roommate’s permission to borrow said DVD, instead of, I don’t know, walking into the living room and announcing “I’m going to borrow your Clue DVD.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. My cartoonishly ridiculous roommate left the front door completely unlocked when she went to bed tonight, and left me a nice, passive-aggressive note in which she basically accused me of being as inconsiderately messy as...well, as she is. She accused me of not washing the dishes in the sink “as you promised” (uh, when did I do this?), or that perhaps I washed the dishes and then filled the sink with dirty ones immediately afterward. Which is confusing, since half the dirty dishes in the sink are hers? Like, they’re weird things we never use that she just used a couple days ago? And she was really mad about there being some fruit flies in the kitchen...like, bitch, it’s summer, and you literally never take out the compost. What the fuck do you expect? This is what happens when you agree to live with a person you barely know. DON’T DO IT, KIDS.

Roommate: Why is Citizen Kane considered the best movie of all time? It wasn't that good. Me: That's actually a really interesting discussion about films and the times they're created in, and the cultural lens we view them through-- Roommate: I mean, granted I watched it at age 10, so maybe that has something to do with it? Me: ...never mind.

My roommate has a friend over and they’re talking in the kitchen, so I went in my room, but then my cat freaked out about the door being closed, so I opened it a crack...and just heard her say, “Women who don’t admit they’re craycray are EXTRA craycray. I could never date a woman.”

THIS IS WHAT I LIVE WITH PEOPLE

THIS IS WHY I CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS

Either not a single one of my roommate’s friends was ever taught by their parents how to be a “good houseguest,” or she just hangs out with the rudest assholes on the planet. Hard to say, really.

AHHHAHAHAHA

I CAME HOME FROM WORK AND EVERYONE WAS GONE AND THEY LEFT ALL THE FOOD OUT FROM THE POTLUCK WITH A NOTE THAT SAID "EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT AND PUT THE REST IN THE FRIDGE" WITH A FUCKING SMILEY FACE

I got home at 12:30am; I don't want to eat your goddamn pasta salad. But because the note didn't indicate whether the roommate is coming home tonight, I had to put the stuff away or risk letting it all go to waste, and I fucking hate wasting food.

SHE LET HER FRIENDS DRINK MY EXPENSIVE BOOZE AND THEN LEFT THE FOOD OUT FOR ME TO PUT AWAY

GOODBYE

(p.s. new tag for this sorta shit is "fuggin roommates," please blacklist it at your leisure)

I was feeling very charitable toward my roommate because she's having a party and brought me Prosecco while I was reading comics in my room.

But I just found out she let one of her guests have some of my St. Germain without asking me. In case you're not familiar, St. Germain is the most delicious liqueur in existence and is also expensive as shit.

We'll be having a talk tomorrow.