On the scale of fictional bastards I’m invested in equidistant between Artemis Fowl and Light Yagami, that’s where he resides… Nathaniel Bartimaeus Trilogy.

I almost have a whole chart, but like.

I could change the middle column to “perpetuating societal ills” or something, but I’m still coming up blank.

legendary quote from Eoin Colfer

“I’m going to tell you something now. When I wrote (and this is quite embarrassing), when I started to write Artemis Fowl, I got the words ‘centaur’ and ‘satyr’ mixed up. So, I intended to write a satyr like Mr. Tumnus, uh, but I wrote the word centaur. And so for the entire book, I had written centaur, but meant satyr, and then I was too embarrassed to admit that. Uh, and so I just left it. And so I had to put in references to four legs and everything. So that’s why Foaly is a centaur. Because I mixed up, and people say to me “oh, it’s very clever the way you did the Foaly pun, since he’s a centaur,” and I’m like “that was a total fluke.” I was so lucky. So then I had to keep it, basically.”

this was during the livestreamed author chat q+a session for Fowl Twins 2 at Books Of Wonder on October 17, I think the vod is still up

AnD tHat’S wHy hE hAS fRiGGin HORNS

Some of the best lines from Artemis Fowl reviews. 10% on rotten tomatoes and getting lower baybee

disney really tried to make artemis fowl palatable for worried over protective parents huh…………… saving the world? the power of friendship?? coming of age?? a “collector”???? hello???? artemis fowl is a goddamn criminal, a kidnapper, a thief, an immoral jerk. what t fuck….. he finds out magical creatures exists and immediately organizes a kidnapping operation and asks for a rescue. his character redemption arc doesnt even start until you’re like 3 or 4 books in. A grown ass woman punches his 12 y/o ass and you CHEER. thats how much of an asshole he is. im suing disney

#let 👏 artemis 👏 get👏 slapped 👏

a VERY funny take on book 1 would be that up until Holly’s capture, Butler saw Artemis’ desire to kidnap a fairy and ransom them for gold as like, the 12-year-old equivalent to how Angeline had sunk into a fantasy world to avoid confronting the fact that her husband was most likely dead. The eventual failure of Artemis’ mission (in Butler’s eyes) would bring catharsis and usher in the healthy realization that it was time to move on, and although this was on track… BOOM they get mind-bogglingly lucky and run into holly, suddenly its_all_frighteningly_real.png, and Butler is embroiled in an inter-civilizational conflict that leads to him having to melee fight a troll at 2 am

Butler: What is that?

Artemis: It’s the fairy? That we’ve been hunting?

Butler:

Artemis Fowl deserved the fandom that Harry Potter got, that series was fucking nuts

Harry Potter: what if wizards played cricket on brooms and a trust fund orphan jock led an army of child soldiers against wizard Hitler also the author is a terf?

Artemis Fowl: What if Hans Gruber from Die Hard was 12 years old and Irish and he and his Eurasian bodyguard decided to declare war on the realm of the Fae also there's no antisemitism or transmisogyny but a bunch of guns?

First issue of the best Batman run:

Harry Potter: What if goblins were just a really shitty cartoon version of Jews? Artemis Fowl: What if dwarfs could unhinge their jaw like a snake and then dug tunnels by just inhaling dirt and then immediately shitting it back out again?

T

THEY WHAT NOW??????????