if i were a zookeeper my intrusive thoughts would be wild

brain: slap that penguin. right across his little blubbery tummy. it’ll jiggle.

me: no??? that’s mean???

brain: polar bear, then

me: no

brain: the lions just got fed raw meat

me: yes?

brain: steal it and eat it in front of them

me: …

rowan i want you to know that this is the best possible reply i could have received

I work with animals and this is true for me. No, I cannot eat sea stars out the touch tank no matter HOW good you think the cronch will be, brain. 

sometimes you wonder what was going through the head of the first human to eat something really weird and then you see this post and stop wondering

@harinezumiko

This 100% was me at the zoo. Don’t touch Melon, he’s mean. Okay, but I have to touch Bob to make him get his stupid emu head out of my shirt, so what if I also touch Melon until he likes it? Sephiroth is angery because he has one wing and sometimes attacks people? I want to pet him also. Also he won’t get off the rock I have to clean anyway, surely a little pets on the good side will be fine. Martha and Stewart are assholes that tag-team while the pond is filling? I bet I could CUDDLE THEM. The female deer will excitedly nuzzle you in the stomach for feeding them. This is fine, because they don’t have antlers. The male deer is locked up while we’re putting out food because he will gouge you to death with his little nubby asymmetrical horns, because he thinks the females are doing it. The entire monkey enclosure will eat your fingers for a single fruit loop. They also have the smallest arms and can reach through holes they’ve made in the tarp on the gate to their enclosure. Do not hold hands with the monkeys. (2nd gen old man monkey will also pee on the keepers that don’t give him fruit loops. He is a jerk.) The rehabilitated bear that still sits like she’s on a couch because she did that when she was living in a crack house? Yes, she looks chill. Yes, she looks The Softest. No, do not pet her back through the fence. No, do not go into the corridor and try to offer treats for pets. Big Mac does not know he will break your ribs, but YOU know he will break your ribs. Do not enter Big Mac’s enclosure no matter how much he chuffs and displays his belly and rubs on the cage and looks sad. Yes, he genuinely wants pets. Yes, Pinkie is deliberately getting pets where he can see it as a sign of dominance even though she’s a housecat and he could eat her in approximately one bite. The turtle is mean. Period. He is an old man and he does not like you. He does not like the parrot getting fries and he does not like that he is in a kiddie pool to warm up because his enclosure lost power, and he does not like you behind him preparing food for the owls and raptors. Petting him will not help this. He will rock back and forth and mean mug you forever because he is a grumpy old man. All of the rabbits need more handling on principle. They don’t know you and they are very distressed that you’re taking their poop away. They can learn, a little, kind of. The guinea pig is insane and will not learn. Do not pet the guinea pig.

this post is gathering some highly blessed zoo stories i love it! thank you

as biologist, can confirm

brain: that frog is very small me: well spotted, brain brain: put smol frog in mouth me: no!

brain: that lynx…looks so fluffy… me: it does brain: we should pet it. me: it’s awake and angry so no.

brain: baaaaby bunny. me: yup. brain: baby bunny goes in pocket me: nooo it doesn’t.

@thegrimllama 😁😁😁

Okay but I'm 90% sure I've added to this but....

Me: Stuart LOVES being picked up for cuddles and weighing, Rocks does not... *pick up Rocks... you gotta*

This is by far the best piece of Star Wars literature ever made

A mother and baby potoroo spotted at South Australia’s Cleland Wildlife Park enjoying a little snack in the sunshine.

@thegrimllama 😁

fucking idiot gets PRANKED

Is anyone interested in texting my drunk asss? Cause I'm a drink texter

We are literally on the phone

Ferret shows the owner her babies.

I’m straight up CRYING

Scientists have discovered how to make glow-in-the-dark cats by inserting the jellyfish genes that create fluorescent proteins into feline eggs.

I needed to check that this was real, and apparently, it is. What’s more, the end goal in these experiments was to fight feline AIDS, creating glow-in-the-dark cats was a side effect. That might be the greatest sentence I write this year.

Ok, so the short version is that scientists want to insert a Useful Gene. But they have no way of knowing if the Useful Gene actually got incorporated into the cat’s (or other animal’s) DNA. So they glue the Glow Gene to the Useful Gene. If the animal glows, both genes got inserted successfully.

that time Andy Samberg explained that Holt being gay isn’t a joke

I’m really glad this post has gotten a lot of notes.

I am so in love with how fucking annoyed Andy looks when he makes himself laugh

There are plenty of jokes about him being gay. They just aren’t ridicule. Every time he has to pretend to he attracted to women, he can only think of “heavy breasts” as an attractive trait. His husbands parents “think I turned him gay with my magic genitalia.” We can’t forget “are you really pulling the gay card right now?” *deadpan* “yas queen”

This interviewer doesn’t think those are jokes, because what he really wants to see is homophobia

In this house we Stan (1) Andy and his uncomfortable non verbal facial expressions

Brooklyn 99 has so many jokes that rely on Holt being gay, his gayness just isn’t the punch line. They don’t do jokes that make fun of him being gay, they make jokes that make fun of homophobia, or gay stereotypes. There is so much great comedy you can get from even a douche subject line specialist without having to resort to offensive humor.

I had the amazing idea for today’s long distance date for @catarinaelibeth and I to write one of those fics where you write 2 sentences each, then switch… Anyway… She TURNS IT INTO A FUCKING FROZEN FANFIC…

Then I was confused as to WHY because it’s not a fandom that either of us write for and this was supposed to be some My Immortal type nonsense… 

Now I’m invested and I’m waiting for Catarina to get back from her coffee break so I can continue writing this trash what the fuck.

Update, we are nearly 4k into this steaming pile of what the fuck.