I've been off track for the past few days. NO MORE! My body deserves to be healthy and happy. My tongue has appreciated the candy, but my running performance has not. It's OK to treat yourself, but don't give up! YOU'RE WORTH IT.

Slacked off this weekend an seriously felt it!

I'm always amazed by the human body's response to how we take care of it. On the weekends, I allow myself yummy cheat food because it's good for my soul, but I skipped working out for two days and included alcohol in my weekend. During my workout tonight, my body was not a happy camper! It was just a slight difference that I noticed, but still! Keep your food healthy, your body active, and your mind positive!

More About My Story

Stories are important, because they express deep emotions and open up hearts. Stories can make you vulnerable, but I truly believe that through becoming more vulnerable that this healthy journey is made easier. It hurts a little at first, but most great adventures have some risk and pain involved.

I used to indulge in certain things that truly brought negativity to my life. I went through a painful childhood/teenage years and until this past summer, I was set on holding onto that pain because honestly, it was easier than letting it go. I had faced sexual and domestic abuse, had abandonment issues from my estranged father, and low self-esteem. And I "treated" myself with a variety of different therapies.

Food was comfort. A certain person in my life berated me often with domestic abuse and for purposes of this article, we will call him Tom. Tom was bipolar and insecure in his own right, often taking it out on me. I can honestly remember him screaming at me ferociously one time and then bringing me a piece of chocolate cake home without any apology (because he never apologized). And I remember eating that cake and I took that cake as love because I didn't know the difference between a material satiation and emotional satisfaction. I ate when I was bored, when I was stressed, when I was sad...if I could make an excuse for it, I would do it.

The habit of emotional eating continued (off and on) well until I restarted my fitness journey this past December 2012. I had a high metabolism and I ate junk food, fast food, etc. all the time because I would get stressed about a test and need something to get me through. Turning to the golden arches didn't help my ongoing depression or healing from past experiences.

'Life is hard and it's been unfair to me, so I will do what I want.' My thoughts were centered around myself, but never in a positive manner. Food was not my only indulgence.

Drugs were a welcome friend. I literally remember smoking weed every day the summer before my freshman year of college before my depression hit an all time low. I personally do not believe this is bad for you if you can keep your habit within moderation, but as I've said, I'm not a moderation type of girl. When I wanted it, I got a lot and I did it often. I soon began to explore other drugs and started taking them at concerts. I would wake up the next day and feel miserable. I remember at one point, I got a habit of overtaking some opiates I'd been prescribed for a past surgery and how good it felt and how I need more. But, the funny thing about drugs (or at least in my situation), no amount will satisfy you. I kept trying things and taking things, until it got the point where I was literally having a panic attack in my living room because my emotions were just wrecked. Sedentary lifestyle.  I was practically an inanimate object. I recalled my days of middle school, when the pretty girls would change for class and look so skinny and perfect and tan, while I often did my best to stay out of anyone's field of vision. They seemed so good at sports and I found myself making excuses to sit on the sidelines because I told myself that couldn't be me. I remember trying out for track in middle school and I couldn't even do the warm-up and these older boys berated me in front of their friends. These events hurt so much and they stuck with me for so long, forming bad habits of zero to no activity throughout my life because I had torn myself down.

Boys/Girls/Etc. I realized I was bisexual in high school and after getting out of my first serious relationship with a guy who broke my heart, I dove into casual affairs like it was nothing. Girls, guys, etc. If they were pretty/handsome and seemingly interesting, I would mess around with them for a while or try to form a terribly unstable relationship. I remember I was totally gaga for a guy who didn't give two shits about me for almost a year. Ain't nobody got time for that! This process repeated well until the summer after freshman year of college when I finally decided that: 1) Playing with other people is emotionally damaging to both parties 2) It was not good for my sexual/mental/emotional health (although I would not have full intercourse with anyone unless we were in a "relationship") 3) Although I acknowledge that some people do find true happiness and fulfillment in casual relationships and can be perfectly fine with that lifestyle, that is not me. I was trying to use partners as a form of self-esteem. Here's the thing: you are the only person that can determine your own universe. No matter what, no boyfriend/girlfriend/partner can make up for your lack of self-worth. Trust me, I TRIED!

All of these indulgences affected my health. My lack of self worth, zero to no nutrition/fitness, unhealthy life habits...I delved deep into depression and negativity the fall semester of my freshman year in college and it took almost 5-8 months to fully come out of it.

Because much like good mental health, good physical health is a long process. It is a journey. It can be disappointing to look into the mirror after one week of working out and eating right only to see little change in your body. Ladies, be patient and be kind to your body, your heart, and your mind and it will show you all the results you want. I truly believe this. When I started eating right and exercising in December, I forced myself to  stop looking for the overnight fix. The media would have you believe that you can take a pill and look like a VS model overnight, but that's not reality.

Even the fitness community on Tumblr can be a bit intimidating! I post pictures of gorgeous women all the time on my blog and honestly, at the beginning I was very concentrated on these images: That girl has the best butt! The best legs! The best abs! She has the perfect body! I spent hours looking at fruit-based body type charts and how I could whittle my body into a banana/pear/hourglass/etc. like so-and-so fitness model's picture (For the record, I have a BADASS figure and if I see a fruit-based body type chart again I will barf) Now, I know better. These images are merely meant for inspiration and admiration. I will never be an Olympian or a VS model, but I'll be damned if I can't be inspired by them! It's all about understanding that you have your own body type and it is awesome and it is beautiful and anyone who tells you different, please educate them on basic human ethics.

So where am I going with all this?

You are beautiful and I appreciate you being a part of this community. I wanted to express some of my story in the hope that other people will be able to gain some wisdom or be able to relate to it somehow.

I will end with this, one of my favorite inspirational quotes:

I need some serious inspiration.

I've been on my period, so my progress this week has been maintenance at best. Eating out a little more, cheating with cake, etc.

How do you get yourself back on track?

BODY PEACE: thoughts I had while a beautiful girl made me coffee at my local cafe:

she's so beautiful, she has the best legs, I wish I had those legs, I haven't worked out today, UGH

now, I stop. I have hit the negative. I have started comparing and a comparison to anyone but yourself is going to make you feel bad.

sit down at the table to do work. Except, I'm not thinking about my work. I'm thinking about if I am pretty, how useful I am, how I'm insecure.

now, I realize I'm in a negative thought cycle. The only way to stop it is so to acknowledge it with love and caring.

And then I interview myself. How are you doing, Courtney? How has your day been? What makes you feel insecure?

Answer myself slowly and with kind words, because that's the way I should talk to myself.

And then I tell myself: I'm beautiful, just like that girl. I'm dazzling in my own way. I appreciate the body types of all others, just like I realize that no one can ever be me and no one can ever have my body.

And then, I sip my coffee made by a beautiful girl and repeat in my thoughts: I am beautiful. I am beautiful. I am beautiful.

And suddenly, things become easier.

The world needs more love, but that love starts within yourself. Love yourself when you work out, love yourself when you eat a cupcake, and don't stop loving yourself when you have a bad day. You know all those negative thoughts you're screaming inside? Imagine saying them to yourself as a young child and then realize that those words are not appropriate for any human being. Surround yourself with positivity. It's going to hurt and it's going to take time, but love is worth it and so are you.

I have a major problem: NOT ENOUGH REST DAYS

Tonight, I wrote out all the workouts I had done this month so far and planned the future ones for the rest of January. I realized that I usually work out 6x a week with a rest day, which would be OK but I've realized that I lift 4-5x a week and my muscles don't have time to recover. Yes, I eat clean about 70% of the time/healthy about 85% and get 8 hours of sleep, but I'm really working on increasing the weight I lift during my sessions lately. It's beginning to take a toll.

I can literally feel it lately, this "burnt out" feeling which hits me sometimes during a workout which should probably be a rest day! Tonight in my HIIT class, I felt my body telling me: GIRL SLOW YA DAMN SELF DOWN. Now, my right knee hurts a tad and if that isn't a sign to rest then I don't know what is!

So, tomorrow is a rest day, which sucks because I only have one class and of course, I'm going to be like LETS GO WORK OUT LETS WORK ALL THE MUSCLES HUZZAH. But, no, I'm going to pack a healthy lunch and get my butt to my favorite coffee shop near campus to do a shit ton of homework.

Which will probably turn into stalking every fitblr all day, but you know, no one is perfect. :)

PROGRESS! Slow, but steady wins the race.

Also, need more blogs to follow, so follow me if you're a fitblr and I will follow back! :)

almost went out and got ice cream

then I logged on to Facebook and saw a dear friend had just completed her first half-marathon. So proud! I immediately texted her to tell her she was my exercise inspiration for the day.

Just finished a yummy meal of beef & veggies. Off to go run around outside. :)

almost skipped my workout.

It was so cozy in my bed and the weight room seemed so far! I was like, "I'm going. No, I'm not...wait, yes, I am. Wait, let me check Tumblr and remind myself of why I've been going...FUCK I'M GOING." Seems like an every day morning.

This cute granny next to me was killing her workout too! She put me to shame and inspired me. ;)