Dyed my hair pastel pink and currently looking up healthy recipes to make!

It's a massacre for the broccoli in my bowl!

Slacked off this weekend an seriously felt it!

I'm always amazed by the human body's response to how we take care of it. On the weekends, I allow myself yummy cheat food because it's good for my soul, but I skipped working out for two days and included alcohol in my weekend. During my workout tonight, my body was not a happy camper! It was just a slight difference that I noticed, but still! Keep your food healthy, your body active, and your mind positive!

At the doctor this morning

More About My Story

Stories are important, because they express deep emotions and open up hearts. Stories can make you vulnerable, but I truly believe that through becoming more vulnerable that this healthy journey is made easier. It hurts a little at first, but most great adventures have some risk and pain involved.

I used to indulge in certain things that truly brought negativity to my life. I went through a painful childhood/teenage years and until this past summer, I was set on holding onto that pain because honestly, it was easier than letting it go. I had faced sexual and domestic abuse, had abandonment issues from my estranged father, and low self-esteem. And I "treated" myself with a variety of different therapies.

Food was comfort. A certain person in my life berated me often with domestic abuse and for purposes of this article, we will call him Tom. Tom was bipolar and insecure in his own right, often taking it out on me. I can honestly remember him screaming at me ferociously one time and then bringing me a piece of chocolate cake home without any apology (because he never apologized). And I remember eating that cake and I took that cake as love because I didn't know the difference between a material satiation and emotional satisfaction. I ate when I was bored, when I was stressed, when I was sad...if I could make an excuse for it, I would do it.

The habit of emotional eating continued (off and on) well until I restarted my fitness journey this past December 2012. I had a high metabolism and I ate junk food, fast food, etc. all the time because I would get stressed about a test and need something to get me through. Turning to the golden arches didn't help my ongoing depression or healing from past experiences.

'Life is hard and it's been unfair to me, so I will do what I want.' My thoughts were centered around myself, but never in a positive manner. Food was not my only indulgence.

Drugs were a welcome friend. I literally remember smoking weed every day the summer before my freshman year of college before my depression hit an all time low. I personally do not believe this is bad for you if you can keep your habit within moderation, but as I've said, I'm not a moderation type of girl. When I wanted it, I got a lot and I did it often. I soon began to explore other drugs and started taking them at concerts. I would wake up the next day and feel miserable. I remember at one point, I got a habit of overtaking some opiates I'd been prescribed for a past surgery and how good it felt and how I need more. But, the funny thing about drugs (or at least in my situation), no amount will satisfy you. I kept trying things and taking things, until it got the point where I was literally having a panic attack in my living room because my emotions were just wrecked. Sedentary lifestyle.  I was practically an inanimate object. I recalled my days of middle school, when the pretty girls would change for class and look so skinny and perfect and tan, while I often did my best to stay out of anyone's field of vision. They seemed so good at sports and I found myself making excuses to sit on the sidelines because I told myself that couldn't be me. I remember trying out for track in middle school and I couldn't even do the warm-up and these older boys berated me in front of their friends. These events hurt so much and they stuck with me for so long, forming bad habits of zero to no activity throughout my life because I had torn myself down.

Boys/Girls/Etc. I realized I was bisexual in high school and after getting out of my first serious relationship with a guy who broke my heart, I dove into casual affairs like it was nothing. Girls, guys, etc. If they were pretty/handsome and seemingly interesting, I would mess around with them for a while or try to form a terribly unstable relationship. I remember I was totally gaga for a guy who didn't give two shits about me for almost a year. Ain't nobody got time for that! This process repeated well until the summer after freshman year of college when I finally decided that: 1) Playing with other people is emotionally damaging to both parties 2) It was not good for my sexual/mental/emotional health (although I would not have full intercourse with anyone unless we were in a "relationship") 3) Although I acknowledge that some people do find true happiness and fulfillment in casual relationships and can be perfectly fine with that lifestyle, that is not me. I was trying to use partners as a form of self-esteem. Here's the thing: you are the only person that can determine your own universe. No matter what, no boyfriend/girlfriend/partner can make up for your lack of self-worth. Trust me, I TRIED!

All of these indulgences affected my health. My lack of self worth, zero to no nutrition/fitness, unhealthy life habits...I delved deep into depression and negativity the fall semester of my freshman year in college and it took almost 5-8 months to fully come out of it.

Because much like good mental health, good physical health is a long process. It is a journey. It can be disappointing to look into the mirror after one week of working out and eating right only to see little change in your body. Ladies, be patient and be kind to your body, your heart, and your mind and it will show you all the results you want. I truly believe this. When I started eating right and exercising in December, I forced myself to  stop looking for the overnight fix. The media would have you believe that you can take a pill and look like a VS model overnight, but that's not reality.

Even the fitness community on Tumblr can be a bit intimidating! I post pictures of gorgeous women all the time on my blog and honestly, at the beginning I was very concentrated on these images: That girl has the best butt! The best legs! The best abs! She has the perfect body! I spent hours looking at fruit-based body type charts and how I could whittle my body into a banana/pear/hourglass/etc. like so-and-so fitness model's picture (For the record, I have a BADASS figure and if I see a fruit-based body type chart again I will barf) Now, I know better. These images are merely meant for inspiration and admiration. I will never be an Olympian or a VS model, but I'll be damned if I can't be inspired by them! It's all about understanding that you have your own body type and it is awesome and it is beautiful and anyone who tells you different, please educate them on basic human ethics.

So where am I going with all this?

You are beautiful and I appreciate you being a part of this community. I wanted to express some of my story in the hope that other people will be able to gain some wisdom or be able to relate to it somehow.

I will end with this, one of my favorite inspirational quotes:

PSA:  I WOULD MAKE OUT WITH A CLIFF BAR.

Workout: Did my 5K training workout this morning and some Vinyasa yoga this afternoon.

This is my evening snack before I hit some PILES of homework. I love this because I snack on this with a cup of milk, it absolutely fulfills the cookies & milk craving!

Today's intake was a bit unusual, as I usually have at least 1-2 servings of fruit. (but today was grocery day, so alas, no fresh fruit in my apartment)

Intake today: (so far...because this girl eats a lot >:D) -oatmeal before my run with glass of water (with creatine) -salmon with green beans/potatoes -crunchy cliff bar (ok, maybe I should stop being so obsessed with cliff bars) -grilled chicken with peppers & onions -peanut butter -cliff bar [chocolate brownie] with whole milk -lots and lots of water!

Planning on eating some more chicken tonight with some nice FULL FAT sour cream and some brocolli because I'm not afraid of the word FAT and I like that shiz in my food!

I think that besides oatmeal & cliff bars, I'm slowly pulling back with my carbohydrates. I use to make healthy pb&j's with whole wheat bread, but I'm really striving to switch to a more primal style with less carbohydrates and more fats/protein/etc. It's so hard though because HELLO bread is delicious and I would probably make out with a loaf of hot french bread.

P.S. I passed by the cookie aisle in the grocery store and spotted my used-to-be-favorite snack, Mint Oreo cookies. And those motherfuckers threw a seductive look towards me, but I was like BITCH PLZ AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT OREOS and then I Beyonce walked away. 

5K Training starts today...

Gonna gear up my playlist with Mulan's "I'll Make a Man Out of You" and the Sailor Moon Theme Song.

Don't judge, y'all!

I want to start running!

I've never been a runner. I'm 5'4" and I lift weights like it's my job, but I'd really like to branch out to running. I did short-distance when I was younger,  but I'd like to start doing 5ks. How do you start running?

I try to follow back all fitblrs! So follow me and I will follow you :) (But I will beat you up if you're a spam account mwahahaha)

I would make out with a Luna bar and then consume it like a savage lion tearing into an antelope.

It's my rest day, so naturally I'm looking at my new Oxygen magazine and on tumblr.

almost skipped my workout.

It was so cozy in my bed and the weight room seemed so far! I was like, "I'm going. No, I'm not...wait, yes, I am. Wait, let me check Tumblr and remind myself of why I've been going...FUCK I'M GOING." Seems like an every day morning.

This cute granny next to me was killing her workout too! She put me to shame and inspired me. ;)