Saving people, hunting things

The Riddler: Riddle me thi- Is that a fcking kid.

Dick Grayson, a non-native English speaker: What does fcking mean?

The Riddler: Fck- I mean sht- I mean it's a grown up word, ask your dad about it

[A Few Years Later]

The Riddler: Riddle me th- Is that another fcking kid

Jason Todd, raised in Crime Alley his entire life: Who the hll you calling a fcking kid? I'll beat your ass motherfcker, you and me right now.

The Riddler: Wow you are. Something.

[A Few Years After That]

The Riddler: Riddle me- Where the fck are you getting these children?

Tim Drake, raised in high society but also not raised at all: That's a naughty word sir.

The Riddler: At least you're polite

[A Few More Years Later]

The Riddler: Riddle m- WHY THE FCK DOES THIS ONE HAVE A SWORD!?

Damian Wayne, above silly things like Vulgar Language: I Was Expecting A Battle Of Wits, But You Appear To Be Unarmed.

The Riddler: WHY DOES HE TALK LIKE THAT???

Sometimes when Dicks just too tired to deal with the batfam’s shit he starts encouraging them.

================================

Surrounded by gang members and caught in the crossfire between two gangs

Jason *pulling out a gun* : I’m gonna fucking obliterate all of them

Nightwing: Go right ahead

Jason: .. you serious? I’m not playing Dick I WILL shoot every single one of them in the head

Nightwing: sure.

Jason:

Nightwing: What you want me to start? Okay.

Jason: .. Dick why the fuck do you have a gun? DICK STOP LOADING THE GUN-

================================

At a stakeout waiting for the proof before intervening

Tim: Why can’t we just force a confession instead of waiting for him to crack?

Stephanie: Ooo or threaten him with blackmail so bad he starts crying!

Duke: Guys *eyes point to Dick sitting in a corner*

Stephanie: Right.. party pooper

Nightwing:

Nightwing: Okay got it.

*heads out*

Duke: No Dick wait! We were joking!

Stephanie: drama queen just needs a minute sunshine- wait is that him approaching the target?

Tim *who’s seen this happen before* *panicking knowing what’s gonna go down* : OH SHIT ABORT-

================================

Being stuck with a very annoying henchmen who won’t stop talking

Damian: .. Can we simply shut him up?

Nightwing: whatever you wanna do

Damian *narrows eyes*: I can’t ruin my katanna for this

Nightwing: *hands him knife*

Damian:

Nightwing: And remember, the most effective place to silence someone without causing them excruciating pain and also temporarily depriving them of air is right here *points to a small area on the neck*

Damian: ..

Nightwing: .? Go on?

Damian *putting it away* : .. no..

================================

It works a 1000 times more effectively just because either all of them are bluffing or they’re scared Dick’s not.

If the Wayne kids were kidnapped...

Dick: annoys his kidnappers into letting him go.

Jason: actually tries to escape and succeeds. Refuses to waste time being a hostage.

Cass: you don't have her, she has you.

Tim: pays his own ransom, somehow becomes the kidnappers' new boss, and leaves through the front door.

Damian: middle school child energy. Bullies his kidnappers until they call the police themselves.

✨ B O N U S ✨

Bruce: vacation time, finally 15 seconds of peace.

Batman is 1000% overshadowed by his kids.

Dick Grayson is better at acrobatics and flexibility. Duh.

Jason Todd is better at brute strength hand-to-hand combat (also he has a fucking gun, so ranged attacks +1, another +1 for not being a pussy and killing people. [PS DC stop nerfing my boy.])

Tim Drake stole the title of World’s Greatest Detective right out from under Bruce, and he would probably be unstoppable if he still had his spleen.

Stephanie Brown is superior at actually being a functioning human being- objectively the most important trait of everyone here.

Cassandra Cain is just better. At what? Everything.

Damian Wayne is better at channeling his trauma and autism into things that aren’t punching mentally ill people (like seriously the kid had to unlearn his LoA brainwashing and look at him go adopting animals instead of traumatized orphans.)

Duke Thomas cAN FUCKING FLY.

DC writers: batman is a hardened vigilante who works alone

Me: look at daddybats being over protective and caring abt all his 10 children!

DC writers: ric grayson

Me: look at my boy DICK Grayson being the best big brother ever with his 20 million boxes of cereal

DC writers: Jason is a villain who ruins all his relationships and only cares abt himself

Me: look at this poor bby boy who’s been thru so much fighting crime with his besties who he’d do anything for

DC writers: Tim Drake????? Ohhhh, u mean that kid who’s good with technology?

Me: look at my smart, soft bby with his coffee earning that “world’s greatest detective” title, I’m so proud

DC writers: Damian is a cruel assasin who loves no one

Me: look at my smol bby who loves his animals and his family (even tho he doesn’t show it)

People fear the day the Red Hood loses control. The day he doesn't stop himself from pulling the trigger, the day he no longer differentiates the sinners from the damned.

People fear the day Red Robin loses control. He doesn't have the same moral code as the rest of the Bats, he isn't above lying and stealing and forcing like they are. People fear the day that goes too far, the day he crosses the invisible line he's drawn.

People fear the day Robin loses control. The day he sends his katana through someone's neck, the day he doesn't listen when Batman tells him to stop.

What people don't understand is that there is nothing to fear from them. They never have to worry about the day that Red Hood snaps, because it will not come. He is too short of a stick to break more than twice, after all. They don't have to worry about Red Robin, he isn't toeing that line they think he's drawn. He's well within his own boundaries, even if they are different than Batman's. He's seen too many futures where he crept too close to the edge and fell to the bottom to risk it. People don't have to fear the day Robin's blade cuts too deep, it won't. Robin is a child who is learning the value of life, he will not treat it with such disdain again.

No, people fear the wrong Bats.

Because Nightwing is the one they should be wary of. Nightwing, with his bright smiles that hide so much anger and hurt, and his jokes that conceal hatred and despair. Nightwing, with his fatal grace and his soft sharpness. Nightwing is the one whose breaking point people should fear. Because he is constantly balancing on a knife's edge, cheerful demeanor and charming banter just barely containing the most dangerous person in the room. The pressure on his shoulders is seconds from breaking the facade in half, exposing something you don't want to meet. If Nightwing loses control, you won't know it until it's too late and you're gasping for breath, wondering how everything went so wrong.

Because that disarming smile is the breastplate in the armor of his morals, and if anything gets past that armor.... Gods help us all.

yum yum robins

  Patrick Gleason’s Detective Comics #1000 Variant