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#tw depressing thoughts – @theereina on Tumblr
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Thee Reina

@theereina

👑 thee writer | thee girl | thee biggest 👑
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theereina

TW: Depression and Suicide Mentioned

In December, I got charged +$900 by the ER for a depressive episode where I was suicidal. They did nothing but ask me questions, check my vitals, and sit me in the area near the nurses station (not in a room). I was wanting to commit suicide, but I did not have a plan. He told me he would write a prescription for me to start antidepressants. HE DIDN'T. When I called back they said they couldn't. The patient support advocate told me she set up a mental health appointment for January within the same hospital system. THERE WASN'T ONE. I was given an appointment reminder with a date, time, and location for the appointment. I am still not sure if she never set it, or if they cancelled it without notifying me. The only reason I found out was because a month or so before I called, and they said no appointment was under my name. I was then told there was nothing they could do and the next available appointment wouldn't be until May. THIS WAS AN UNDER 2 HOUR VISIT. I WAS STILL ACTIVELY CRYING AND HYPERVENTILATING AS I WAS BEING GIVEN MY DISCHARGE PAPERS.

WELCOME TO AMERICA.

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theereina

Today, I told my mother one of the main reasons I haven't committed suicide is because our insurance policy doesn't cover it. I know and acknowledge that if I decided to finally do it; my family wouldn't be able to afford it. Even in what could be my last moment, I am putting other people first.

Her response was silence, and she changed the subject. Yes, I know that could be a heavy subject for a parent to hear from their child. However, she's never cared or considered my mental health before. So, should I really fucking care?

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Today, I told my mother one of the main reasons I haven't committed suicide is because our insurance policy doesn't cover it. I know and acknowledge that if I decided to finally do it; my family wouldn't be able to afford it. Even in what could be my last moment, I am putting other people first.

Her response was silence, and she changed the subject. Yes, I know that could be a heavy subject for a parent to hear from their child. However, she's never cared or considered my mental health before. So, should I really fucking care?

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theereina

God, I'm tired.

Im tired of:
  • fighting for the bare minimum
  • losing myself
  • clawing through darkness
  • praying for better days
  • being alone when all I need is someone's presence
  • feeling unappreciated by those I give the world to
  • desiring more but somehow falling short
  • viewing the world with kindness and compassion without reciprocation
  • being led by the "blind"
  • praying for comfort but never finding peace
  • living and breathing but never "living"
  • trying to breath when every breathe feels like a painful reminder

*I am a human person having a human experience. I am posting this to show that everyone falls short at times. Sometimes we need to be reminded that others go through "life", too. THIS POST IS POORLY FOR SELF EXPRESSION AND TRANSPARENCY.

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⚠️TW: Suicide mentioned

🚫 Please do NOT proceed if you are easily triggered. I respect those of you who will read this post and those of you who will scroll past.

XOXO, Reina (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠❤

I have been passively suicidal for years on end. There's never been a long period of time where life made me want to continuously live. Nothing about my life or experiences has ever magnified my desire to live. To be honest, I don't know what I'm still doing here.

*I don't know what to do with this revelation.

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I went through so much this year. It made all of my darkest moments light in comparison. As much as I want to plan and be hopeful for next year, I can't. I don't want to be disappointed in the end. AGAIN.

Maybe, my heart and mind will align at a later date. Right now, I just can't see past this very moment with optimism.

I know that sounds strange coming from a page that normally posts the complete opposite.

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