A "didn't see that coming" type of update
Some physical health and fitness related things that have happened in the months since November or so:
- I started Invisalign in September. Having a sudden restriction on when and what I could eat (due to logistics and constant mouth pain, respectively) really threw me for a loop.
- Around this time I also made the decision to adopt a completely plant-based diet for a variety of reasons (yes, differentiating from "vegan" because although I am eating only plants, I have not adopted a "full vegan lifestyle").
- A combination of busy schedule, adult responsibilities, short grocery funds, removal of dairy from my diet, and painful plastic thingies on my teeth... cued a "relapse" of reaaallllllyy iffy obsessive/restrictive eating habits. Yay.
- The eating habits began to clash with my exercise routine. For those who missed it, I started training at a MMA gym in September, taking classes in "traditional" kickboxing as well as Muay Thai. I dropped a lot of weight and felt like shit and was very tired for a few months.
- Around the middle of December I got feeling sassy and decided I wasn't going to go into 2015 with the same bullshit so I started eating a lot, resting more, training when I could, and put weight back on. That ordeal is an old story that I'm so tired of rehashing so I won't go into it.
- And I just started Brazilian jiujitsu, which is awesome.
Non-physical health and fitness related things that have happened in the months since November or so:
- After moving out this summer, I noticed an interesting shift in my brain state. I had a lot more emotional energy not being around my parents anymore/feeling the need to act a certain way, and I also started noticing how my brain worked naturally when left to its own devices. I can't precisely describe what changed, but it was simultaneously a relief and weirdly alarming.
- I started having (what I assume were) anxiety attacks during October and November. I say assume because they did not have any feelings attached to them, just physical symptoms and an aura of impending doom overlaying a complete emotional numbness. (Fun)
- Those anxiety (?) episodes paired with the serious eating disorder type behaviors and a sense of complete social disconnect made me resort to a thing I have been averse to doing since I was 12 years old: I found a therapist. I expected some generic anxiety/EDNOS diagnoses.
- I only agreed to see her twice a month, but I needed the perspective. She didn't make the weight regain/reversal of restrictive behaviors/reactive binge spirals bullshit process any easier, but she did make it seem a lot more real and important.
- A few weeks ago we discussed making a diagnosis (necessary for insurance reasons) and she asked whether I wanted a real one or the "generalized anxiety" crap they give people to keep insurance happy. I hate half-truth so I told her I wanted a real one.
- I have Asperger's. In her words, "unmistakable". (The official diagnosis is ASD Level 1 since Asperger's got taken out of the DSM, but for practical purposes she recommended still using the term Asperger's to differentiate "able to interact typically but at great cost of energy and using deliberate learned performance" apart from the "general inability to interact typically" associated with other types of autism spectrum disorders. I apologize if this language is problematic; I am still learning about this stuff and would gladly welcome any information and corrections.)
- I have Asperger's. Not an eating disorder, not an anxiety disorder, not body dysmorphia, not "obsessive perfectionism". I have anxiety and disordered eating and incongruent body image issues, but they are tied directly to the social and control elements of the Asperger's stuff.
- I just have a lot of questions and a lot of things to re-frame and a lot of new perspectives to understand. But I'm glad. Something finally feels entirely correct, where "anxiety" or "social aversion" or "eating disorder" or "body dysmorphia" never totally did.
- And it doesn't change anything. I'm me, like I've been my whole life, but now I know the word that means the way my brain is wired differently.
- ...yeah. Sorry for long post.