The Fitties Day 5: What made you start a healthier lifestyle?
I was a fat child, but that was honestly not a problem. I never got sick. I ate very nutritiously and had normal, healthy eating patterns. Being a fat child was something I am confident I would have grown out of, if not for the constant fat shaming I experienced as a young person. Isn't that a bitch?
I was healthy, happy, and active. I was also fat. Being a fat kid guaranteed that I'd be the target not just of my classmates, but also of my teachers and doctors, those paragons of "But I'm just concerned about your health." All that misguided concern had me convinced by age 10 that my body was wrong and I had to change it, whether I felt good or not. Because I couldn't actually trust my physical feelings, right? I was, after all, fat. And fat was wrong.
By age 11 and 12 I had begun to cut meal sizes, skip meals (breakfast in particular because it was the easiest to get away with) and "see how long I could go". Of course, this kicked off an obsessive cycle of restricting and internal shaming, followed by reflexive binge eating (and secret eating - I would hoard food "for later") and more internal shaming. I felt that my body was wrong and that it was my fault for a lack of "willpower" against food, which I saw as both an enemy and a drug. The binge/restrict cycles would continue until I was 19, although they came and went in varying degrees of severity.
When I was 19, I decided to give "healthy" a try. I was still deeply brainwashed into the idea that changing one's body required voodoo and complicated illogical diets involving strict food control and constant starvation claiming to make permanent, "healthy changes". But I suspected by then that it just wasn't working for me. I begrudgingly attempted "healthy" and was shocked to find that it actually worked.
Learning to view healthy food and exercise as rewards for my body, instead of using junk food/overeating as an emotional sedative and viewing exercise as compensation, has been a very hard process. This is a culture in which we are taught that normal eating is "indulgent" and shows "lack of willpower". At the same time, it's conditioned into us that the way to "be healthy" is to exert unnatural efforts in an attempt to force our bodies to change and match someone else's twisted concept of "healthy".
I posted this picture because it shows me at my physical worst. Yes, it is in fact me at my highest weight. But that's not the point. The bad thing is not my weight in itself. I got to that size and that state of health not because it was a natural thing for my body, but because I put my body through years of abuse and disrespect. I was in constant pain, always sick, and had problems doing regular activities like travel or work. I decided that regardless of how my body looked or would look in the future, that I would live healthfully and awesomely, and come what may.
All the changes that came are of a result of deciding that I didn't want to feel sick or tired anymore. I didn't set out with a distinct goal of "losing weight". The weight loss happened as my body offloaded the stuff it didn't need, as a direct response to my changed lifestyle habits. No, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows from there. Yes, I still had an eating disorder bent on controlling my actions, although it would take different forms as my perspectives changed. But starting with health in mind, instead of weight loss, has been the true game changer. I'm still recovering and I still struggle, but my body has adeptly maintained itself in its new form. Even after years of abuse, my body is willing to fight for its own state of health. The healthy way is the only way.
