I’m fond of beginning sentences with ‘There’s a parallel universe where…’, but there’s a parallel universe where Kylie Minogue probably tried to kill the Doctor. You can thank the News of the World. In April 2007, they published an exclusive that claimed, according to a BBC ‘source’, that Kylie’s Christmas turn would see her sheathing herself in metal to play – and we quote, albeit with great…

It’s late 1987. I’m upstairs watching episode one of Delta and the Bannermen; the TARDIS crew are on their way to Disneyland. They will never get there (three decades later they still haven’t, at least on TV; there’s probably a book). As the new Doctor – I’m still not quite sure about him, although time, of course, will tell – stalks through the grime and grit of an unidentifiable location that…