Cosmic Pastries

So, saw my therapist today, talked about the fuckery over the last week.

He told me that, unfortunately, "Mixed Phase" is a very real thing and it's generally considered one of the most dangerous phases a Bipolar patient can have, because when the deep hopelessness and self-hatred of the depressive phase and the high-energy impulsiveness of the manic phase combine, that's when the most self harm or suicide cases happen. That in fact the last time I had a close call was probably due to a Mixed Phase as well.

Joy.

On the same note, though he wished it wasn't due to previous bad experiences, he was pleased with me for having the self-awareness to recognize that having unfettered access to medications while undergoing this was a bad idea and act accordingly. And that he hopes I don't have any squish accidents this week so that I can have some time to recover all the energy I burned through.

I think The Bees are vacating to a new home, because all of a sudden, I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Hopefully that means I'll sleep good tonight.

Oh boy! audiovisual hallucinations due to waking up while the medication was still working!

Okay, same restrictions and routine as last night. I didn't have the spiral from hell this time, so maybe it's a sign that The Bees are winding down. I can hope, anyway.

Still trying to exhaust The Bees. So once the brainsquish wore off, I did my pacing of the house, made an attempt at gyeran-ppang, and we're making a short grocery trip after dinner.

got partially fucked up because dad forgot I was up and thus he didn't warn me to put on my headphones or go to a closed off room before he turned on a power drill.

brain bees + brainsquish = genuinely fuck this.

Okaaayyyyy. Okay. I have my nighttime medications + 2 dramamine and *nothing else*. I have a cranberry ginger ale. I have more How It's Made queued up. I have a couple of new silly little games on y phone, and I didn't forget my charger this time.

Hopefully I have fried myself to the point that this will be enough to force The Bees to let me get at least 3, maybe even 4 uninterrupted hours of sleep.

and hey, maybe they'll be gone in the morning. it's not likely, but I gotta try hoping.

I would rather be having a panic attack, honestly, because those are usually over for me in less than an hour. This shit could still be here tomorrow, or into next week....or the week after that.

Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll shift into one of my normal manic periods where shit like sewing together all my bats into a giant bat king sounds good.

The Bees would like to remind me (loudly, repeatedly, at length, as if I hadn't been spiraling all day already) that while I passed the disability check under the current rules, things might be very different by next December.

Thaaaaaanks, Bees.

I don't know how many times I've paced the house, but I hope it's enough that I can pass out for a couple of hours.

okay by request I now have a tag for those who need to not see the current mess going on and it's "brain bees"

I said I wasn't gonna talk about the spiral but fuck it, I'm talking about the spiral.

(behind a cut for fairly obvious reasons)

Shunting all my purchasing apps into a side folder on my phone weeks ago has turned out to be a really good decision because The Bees want to go shopping and the annoyance of having to dig out the apps is probably the only thing keeping me from spending money I don't have right now. :)

Tried to put The Bees to work making a late breakfast and they got so noisy that i wound up spacing out and burning the eggs a little, but hopefully this is still edible.

I have. No idea what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day.

Mama came in the kitchen, took one look at me, and suggested trying to knock myself until the storm blows over. And she *never* offers medication as a first resort, which says how shitty I must look.

Finally managed a little bit of actual sleep from somewhere around 5ish until a few minutes ago. Dreams were just weird instead of full on nightmares. Still feeling like I'm trying to vibrate out of my skin despite being so tired. Typing is a bitch and a half. gotta hook up my phone to charge.

When the urge to throw up is like, all in your head? Like you don't think you're gonna throw up for real cause your stomach still feels fine but you've got that numb feeling in your mouth and a swimminess in your head that feels like the bees might be drunk now.

Anyway, nightmare number two. Haha.