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BeefBoy's Meat Wagon

@thebeefiestboye

Neutral Good Dwarven Druid
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d&d is great I just tried to slam a guy with a two-handed maul and missed, swinging into the floor I roll for damage against the floor bc of course I do. I roll high. The tiles are crushed to bits As a free action, I grab a handful of floor gravel and shovel it into my mouth and straight up eat it in an intimidation attempt My combat opponent is horrified. I get +2 to hit him next turn

I fought an opponent who had an eye patch. I used Mage Hand to pick up his eye patch and move it to his other eye.

my favorite thing about dnd is that it literally doesnt let you do either of these. good dms do

This is one of the things that I deeply hate about specifically Wizards of the Coast’s Dungeons and Dragons Fifth Edition. So, so much of what people describe loving about the game isn’t…the game. It’s the work of good storytellers and DMs. Often going directly against the rules of the game because they can. Which, yes, is how TTRPGs are supposed to work. But the context of that changes considerably with how shitty and regressive of a company WotC is, and they get shielded from judgement because of good DMs having created good experiences where WotC then rakes all the credit because they were “Playing” “D&D 5e”. The queerphobia, the rainbow capitalism (pretty sure that Matt Mercer’s content aside there’s more items of rainbow merch available than there are important queer characters in WotC published content), the racism, the protection of the person who brought on a known serial sexual abuser and transphobe to help design the game, Mike Mearls, who then served as the face of the company for years, who more recently they pretended to fire for PR reasons but still employ full time, all of it. The fact that they decided Fireball and Lightning Bolt were the “right” spells because they were “iconic” and made them intentionally overpowered. The design of Martial characters only having 4 skills using their key ability scores, most of which are completely eclipsed by use of a single spell, creating two distinct tiers of characters being able to interact with the world with a sense of agency. That is Wizards of the Coast and Dungeons and Dragons Fifth Edition. Eating the floor you just shattered for Intimidation? Mage Handing an eyepatch to blind a foe? Skating down a mountain on a Floating Disc like Link on shields in BOTW? The Combat Wheelchair homebrew whose author has said that WotC pointedly ignore her and her work? Running tweaked versions of UA content that never made it to print? That is the work of hard working DMs and homebrewers who work their asses off to provide a good experience that then gets relayed as “Oh we were playing 5e”. That is why this is one of the many, many things to hate about D&D 5e.

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A field surgeon in a fantasy world has performed life saving surgery on many an orc war band before, unwittingly becoming blood brothers with most of his patients. In his darkest days, his extended family comes to offer their hands.

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dycefic

Hyrea the Healer was not a difficult goddess to serve.

Which was not to say that service was easy. Service to Hyrea took one into dangerous places, and dangerous work. A dedicate of Hyrea went into war, and plague, and famine. Risked death a thousand ways, over and over again. And yet it wasn’t difficult to serve her, if you were the right kind of person. For a person who looked at the sick or wounded or starving and longed to help, it was the easiest thing in the world.

Hyrea marked her devotees in a way impossible to disguise or to mistake. It was possible to replicate the blue tattoos, to an extent, though the ‘blindfold’ was hard to do, eyelids being difficult. The bands around the wrists were easier. But only Hyrea could make them glow with that faint, spectral light. No-one could look on that light, and not know exactly who they were looking at. There were stories about it – about the six healers who had walked onto a battlefield and stood between the two armies, and stopped the battle cold, for neither side had dared to lift a hand against the healers. About proud gods who drove out the humble Hyrean healers, so that only their own priests could heal, and cities emptied by disease spreading from the poorest quarters, where the proud priests would not go. About the warlord who, having struck his enemy down, saw a Hyrean healer kneel to help the man, and in fury struck the healer down as well – and died the next moment, with a dozen arrows in his back, fired by his own men. About villages struck by plague, who saw the blue lights approaching through mist, and opened their barricaded gates to hope. About terrible battles that lasted from dawn until dusk… and then nights full of pale blue lights, moving among the fallen, and a hundred or two hundred or five hundred men found living on the field the next morning.

Temples of Hyrea rose in odd places. In busy cities, in border towns, in little villages, with no apparent rhyme or reason. Only a certainty, in the part of some priest or priestess, that here there would be need of them. They were good at predicting need.

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karuuhnia

You can’t tell me this wouldn’t be canon.

Poor Uncle Misha.

_______________

Please do not alter, repost/reupload or redistribute my artwork anywhere! (Reblogging is perfectly fine, of course.)

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doctor told me ive got a thing going on where if some one just came up and surprise chopped off my head theyd get the moonlight greatsword

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bunniope

haha thats so crazy whats your exact location

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Every time I think about the entry level job paradox my head feels like it’s gonna explode.

Whenever I think about all the people that didn’t hire me to be a busser because I didn’t have any restaurant experience even though it’s the lowest ranking job in the restaurant I feel a dangerous urge to strangle a hiring manager.

Some internships ask for experience. Internships. You know. The places you’re supposed to get experience? Those things? I wanna eat a door.

Quite frankly I don’t know how anyone gets into any industry. Any of them. Office workers must just spawn like minecraft mobs or something.

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reblogged

I love how medieval wizards would write shit like "We all know the testicles are controlled by the position of mars" just incomprehensible king, please continue.

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reblogged

Fucked up how tornados can steal objects from you. What if that's how other weather worked. What if your dog got struck by lightning and instead of being electrocuted it was just in Oklahoma now.

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catchymemes

Anti wolf heck collar

“The purpose of the collar is to protect the dog wearing it when it has to fight the wolves. The collar base protects the dog’s throat and carotid arteries, while the spikes are intended to deter bites to the neck or even injure wolves trying to do so.”

“And what do you get from serving humans that you do not get from running free?” sneered the wolf.

“Free food, unconditional love and tactical upgrades,” replied the herding dog.

I see your anti-wolf dogs and raise you Spanish War Dogs.

I see your Spanish war dogs and raise you the Tibetan Mastiff, which was actually bred to fight tigers and has fur so thick that it doesn’t need armor

They’re also what I like to describe as ‘fuck you’ big

you want a fuck you dog ok i see your tibetan mastiffs, and raise you the caucasian shepherd dog 

they were bred to hunt bears, and they are fuck you dogs.

All I see are Good Pupps. 

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chaosroid

All I see are Fereldans trying to one up each other on their knowledge of dog breeds

^ If you live in an area with coyotes I actually recomend those

Reblog to make your puppets heckin punk AF

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brainfuzz

And then there’s this guy

The above cat is @cat-cosplay

Please give credit!

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cat-cosplay

We’ve done functional armor too.

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secondlifep

@carnalreincarnated @climbermedic well this went in a bunch of directions.

Splendid.

“Cry ‘Havoc!’, and let slip the cats of war!”

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katsafaria

Stop removing Lady Dimitrescu’s wrinkles and stretch marks/scars/blemishes. Stop making her super skinny, because clearly she is not. Stop de-aging Lady Dimitrescu. She is a mature woman and her wrinkles/blemishes are part of her beauty. Literally stop removing those features.

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3dgeduke
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reblogged

Statue of a saint damaged by the sea air, Parish of St. Hilda, Hartlepool England

If they carved this saint out of limestone then it's really dumb to leave it out to be weathered by SEA AIR lmao it's deffos gonna dissolve and form these alveoli-like holes

Rookie move by these 6th century monks

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ezhilmozhi

Nope, not sixth century. Especially in England 🤣 remember the Romans were throwing orgies around there

Hartlepool Abbey finished construction in 640, but many of the artisans and stonemasons had been working since the 6th century because they had also been working on the abbey of Canterbury.

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indieninja92

“the Romans were throwing orgies around there” ????? 1 - christianity was the state religion of the roman empire from the late 300s, and 2 - the romans left britain in 410??? you entire mook???

To be fair, the Byzantines were also full of pagans. People tended to kinda look the other way when a wealthy Byzantine threw an orgy with the goat heads and whatnot. I can neither confirm nor deny but It's entirely possible that england at the time had it's fair share of Roman style orgies.

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flagellant

The statue totally fucks, though. Like, maybe carving it out of limestone and leaving it out in sea air was a rookie move, but we all agree it totally fucks though, right?

Oh yeah it absolutely fucks.

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