She goes home to a cactus

to my friends who I am still in contact with, those who I lost contact with, those who were still around and those who, like me, have emerged from the woodwork due to tragedy - I love you I see you I’m thinking of you

OT5 in the bread van in Rio De Janeiro, Brasil, 2014

i just... i don't have much to say, but i will say this.

i'm angry. i'm really fucking mad. but while i work on dealing with the anger and sadness and frustration that is bubbling within me, there's also a LOT of gratitude.

liam was a part of a group that became MAGIC. they were MAGIC. they were so much to so many people and he was a part of that. it's because of liam being a part of one direction that everything happened exactly how it did and i somehow ended up here, and i am SO thankful for that. it's because of one direction that i have some of the closest friends i've got in my life. it's because of one direction that i know as much about myself as i do and that i was able to be able to get through some of the hardest times of my life, and he was a part of that.

i want to remember him how i remember him on stage. i want to remember him smiling so big his eyes are mere slits and his mouth open wide laughing. i want to remember IT'S A SNAKE HABITAT TURN AROUND! and the sheer joy that he and the others brought me.

so thank you liam. i'm still mad, and sad, and frustrated, and feeling helpless in a lot of ways. but i'm also really fucking happy to have had felt the effects of the magic you brought into my life.

it's crazy to think that memories you've had for years will just never look or feel the same again. all those memories from 2012 when i first got into 1D, all the concerts, all the songs and the first time hearing those songs, the first time watching music videos, the posts and memes here on tumblr... like none of it will ever feel the same. it'll always be tinged by loss and a degree of emptiness from here on out.

feeling grief over someone who shaped part of your childhood / teenage years ≠ excusing his actions.

you can grieve someone and still not like them or agree with their actions. a reminder that two things can be true at once.

trying to process that 1D will never be 1D again. Ever.

Every single one of you had a hand in changing our lives and I hope you’re as proud as we are.  xx

hiding in the work bathroom right now because i’m grown up and i have things to do and responsibilities to meet and i didn’t even know him but. there’s a 15 year old inside of me who is absolutely reeling and panicking because that 15 year old did know his voice and his public persona and his contributions to a band that meant a lot to so many my age. like. this is a storyline from a horror movie. not something that was supposed to happen to someone so important to me in my adolescence. i don’t know how process it and I can’t imagine how the people he did really know are. i can’t wrap my head around it. so i’m. just gonna be. 15 years old in this work bathroom right now

i have no idea how to process this. it’s not unfathomable and it’s something i’ve thought about many times but i don’t actually know how to process it. what do you mean he was such an integral part of me growing up and he did some fucked up things in part bc of the fucked up environment he grew up in and now he’s DEAD and can’t do anything to try and make amends. what do u mean the boys now means harry louis liam niall zayn. what do you mean he left behind a child less than 10 years old. what the fuck do you mean

Those 5 boys and the community around them held such a strong role in shaping me and knowing one of them is just... no more... I can't explain this feeling.

grieving for my younger self right now, one direction was my whole life

:(

History (Alternate Fan Version)

#keep

Harry Styles | Love on Tour: Reggio Emilia 7/22

Harry onstage in Reggio Emilia (x) - 22/07/23