Been having gnarly lucid relapse dreams.... grateful as fuck for ketamine and good friends to support me through finding different outlets instead of turning back to dope after all these years.
Heyya guys! So I left my partner of 6 years because we just weren't compatible and things were toxic for each other on both ends. Unfortunately this means I'm currently couch surfing and a) am limited to the access of my belongings to create with to make money and b) need housing (I was gonna bum it in my van but fr my body is falling apart because of hEDS and company, stress, and current changes in legislation towards trans folks makes me mighty nervous of being hate crimed while traveling.) If anyone wants to donate I'm going to need at least 1500 to move into a studio I'm touring on Friday and I don't get paid till the end of next week. Housing goes super quickly in that area so the faster I can get money down on it the faster I can start creating again!! In the mean time I have art for sale and read tarot!! Anything helps and I'm so grateful for any contributions!! Please dm me for my cash app!!
What's up buttercup? ✨🍄🖤🌿✨
So I figured out why I have such a hard time aligning myself in any capacity to function in society. Late stage capitalism and the behavior of the US government is abusive but specifically mimics narcissistic abuse and after being raised by a narcissist it feels like I'm being retraumatized every time I am forced to align with any kind of structure associated with capitalism or political agendas.
I did it...I have been wanting to hit the road and travel since I went to rainbow and have spent the last three years of my life suffering and wasting time under the heavy boot of capitalism and tonight marks the last night in my apartment before I move into my van tomorrow...I made my fucking dreams a reality and I'm so incredibly proud of myself. I can afford to eat and get therapy now, I can afford to live the life I design and not be beholden to the standards of life that are unsustainable and make me want to die. I'm so fucking grateful and have so much love in my heart for the people who made this possible and sacrificed so much to help me follow my dreams. I really don't know what I would have done with out them. Not to mention my gender marker is being changed to "X" on Thursday and so I can finally be seen as my true gender by a government agency. All of these moves into unapologetically being my authentic self are honestly way tf out of my comfort zone and making my anxiety sky rocket and simultaneously my passion and faith that this is what's best for me are pulling me though the fear. I guess you can't be brave if you're not scared... Anyway, I am becoming the person that I want to be more and more day by day and it is honestly the best feeling ever.
Shit I haven't had dreams like that since I got off dope. Fuuuuuck broooo I have 4 years I didn't think it would be this hard after all this time.
Tbh once my dreads are back I'm gonna have all my top energy back and tbh that shit is so empowering I love it....
I love my friends so fucking I hope they can find more abundance and happiness than they deserve. I want them to be drunk on love of the world around them and the people and animals and interactions in their lives. I want their bellies to be full of their favorite foods and always have a safe, warm, loving place to lay their heads at night. I want them to be so at peace with themselves and their wonderfully innate humanness that they no longer shy away from vulnerability or love. I want them to discover how beautiful they are and live the best possible life they can live. I want them to love themselves so much that it's contagious to everyone around them.
the-feral-fa1ry reblogged
layingdownsomebatfeets-deactiva
For vagina owners that bleed monthly: I had so many issues with my diva cup and other menstrual cups I tried, getting them to seal and not leak everywhere was such a hassle and removal was weird and uncomfortable. If you currently use a menstrual cup or want to switch to one please go check out the Flex cup. The way it is designed makes insertion and removal safe, the product is very effective, and the removal is like removing a tampon. They can be a bit on the pricey side but the amount of money you will save is ridiculous and then you can donate your leftover unused products to vagina owners in prison or on the street! You can wear a cup for up to 12 hours and there is no risk of TSS and you aren't shoving a bunch of very nasty chemicals up your vag monthly. I noticed a HUGE reduction in cramps, my moon cycle became regular again, and it helps to connect you with your cycle which as a GNC queer human I had come to hate and even went as far as getting on birth control that completely stopped it (and made me horribly ill to the point that I was underweight, my hair was falling out, and I had horrible huge cystic acne).
With that being said this company also pioneered the menstrual disk, but those are not reusable unlike a cup and contribute to plastic waste which was a huge reason I switched to a cup in the first place. Most of all please do your research if you are considering switching but this has been by far the most effective and safest brand/model I have seen on the market.
Holy shit I bought a van. It's from this old ass hippy dude and I'm pretty sure he is a hoarder (no judgement passed on this guy, and we had to clean out a bunch of shit from the van) and we need to clean it and fix a few things cosmeticallybut otherwise she runs beautifully and the build out is gonna be so so so cheap that we might stay under budget!! I finally have a home! After being homeless at age 14 and then again at 16 it has evolved into a state of mind rather than a need for separate rooms or a house or even an apartment. Home truly is where your heart is and I guess my heart is in travel and exploration.
Money saving hack: make your budget to include enough weed that you forget where you put all your cash and you wind up finding a shit load of money whenever you clean!
Trip report
I did dmt for the first time in a while last Sunday and it wasn't like any of my other experiences, it was incredibly productive and peaceful and I feel like I was able to speed heal a lot of trauma that was holding me back and I can really come into myself now instead of constantly being terrified and shut off from everything and everyone. I feel like I got my spark for life back and I'm fucking loving it. I healed my relationship with my body and learned that while it is just a flesh suit it's my only flesh suit and it deserves to feel loved and cared for and be nourished and adorned and allowed to move however it pleases. For someone who hasn't felt at home in my body for years and abused myself through eating disorders and self injury this is fucking huge for me.
I finally am getting weight off my deceased roommates obese doggos and it's working and they are doing so much better and I'm seriously considering going back to school and being a vet
Confession
I talk about my drug use and abuse as a reflex for paralyzing social anxiety even with my closest friends.
I feel like embarking on a radical journey of self love and abundance...
Wow so that was definitely a relapse of mania cause now I'm depressed as fuck and can't do shit...
#personal#mental health#shit this better not get bad#like fuck i might need to find a therapist just to fucking see what i need to do#like i wanna cry ive made so much progress#only to have this one thing that was situationally avoidable put me in a state of horrible mental health relapse#like i just wanna snort a line of dope and drift off into a land where i dont give a shit aboht anything#forever
I frequently wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't struggled with crippling drug addiction in my teens