an archive

if she's your girl then how come she's hallucinating my 10,000-y.o. dripping wet corpse

I would very much like to study this person, in depth. I’m fascinated.

Horrified, yes, but also fascinated.

This is my boyfriend. Yes he's racist as fuck and wants to kill me because of it. I don't care I think he's kinda cute. He always tries to roofie me but I roofie him back so it's fine. I like to spoon feed him pudding and ice cream. It gives him a boner. It doesn't give me a boner but he passes out for 3-8 hours every time he cums so I make him do that so I don't have to deal with him as much. I don't masturbate him or have sex with him because we're not married enough. I told him we can be sexy together after we've been married for at least 5 years because god thinks thats super holy. or something. He agreed with me so now I don't even have to touch him. Last night I almost cut his penis off while he slept because I realized how vulnerable he becomes after eating a halfgal of icecream and conking out. so naked and pink. I decided not to do that but I did spoon more pudding into his mouth. I saw his dick get hard and then I threw up

I think if teabags started pulsating slowly after you were done with them that'd change the way we feel about tea somewhat

Hey OP this is an emotionally resonant post but do you take destructive criticism?

Present to me the criticism first, then I'll decide.

The emotion is Bad

Cool thank you I'll keep that in mind 👍

God I fucking hate Olaf the snowman so fucking much holy shit. Holy shit, every frame he's in, every scene, every gif, every jpeg, he's got this painfully vacant, stupid as shit, fuckass look on his stupid lumpy face. Absolutely no part of his ugly as sin piece of shit character design is endearing. His stupid fucking legs? Who the hell makes a snowman with legs. His dumb flaily fucking twig arms? His shitty, lumpy bastard head? The three thousand percent unnecessary dumbass shitass fucking SNOW BUCK TOOTH that no snowman has EVER FUCKING HAD IN tHE HISTORY OF GOD'S GREEN FUCKING EARTH? God, I hate him. I hate him so much. So FUCKING much. Every time I see a stuffed toy Olaf or an Olaf gif or a shitty goddamn commercial, it ignites my primal rage response and I'm overcome by the need to punt this shitty little homunculus into the fucking sun. "Bhurr blur, I'm Olaf the fuckshit snow fucker, I like warm hugs". Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. You look like Tow Mater summoned a patronus. Your dumb fucking twig hair makes your whole shitty head look like a hairy skin tag. I hate your dumb fucking lumpy carrot nose and your stupid, empty googly eyes and your over-the-top goofy ass upbeat asshole personality. Any scene he's sad it invokes all the wrath and fury of a spoiled child having a meltdown over a chocolate bar in a w*lmart checkout line. And I know its irrational. That's the worst part. I know he's just a shitty fucking side character in a stupid fucking children's movie, I know it doesn't matter, I know I shouldn't care. But that's part of the problem. The part where no matter the might and fury of my hatred, the locus of my homicidal intent is alltogether inconsequential. I find myself laying awake in the dark in the early hours of the morning consumed by the spirit of Wrath itself, all the force and might of a flaming hurricane directed at a bottle of piss in a ditch by the highway. The absurdity of it all burns me to my core. What better things could this energy be directed towards? And yet my disdain for this stupid, useless, insubstantial failure of endearing character design utterly eclipses the intrigue of all other pursuits. I hate him. I hate him on a level of my mind reserved for the worst of the world's array of sinners, and I can't even begin to justify it. Shitstick the snow dick is, for all intents and purposes, the animated corpse of all of humanity's saccharine pretenses- every condescending, passive-aggressive statement of meaningless upper middle class suburban drama distilled into a single, hateable form. The fucking. Fuck. I have no words. There is no cuss or epithet in any language that can encapsulate the height of the emotions I am experiencing. God, I hate him so much. I hate him so, so fucking much. I want to light his ugly little dumpster body on fire. I want to graphically beat him to death with his own stupid fucking nose. I want to punch him to death. You know that weird feeling you get, when you see a picture of something so cute you find yourself overcome with the bizarre, inexplicable urge to squeeze it? It's EXACTLY like that, except instead of cuteness it's disgust. The wordless knowledge that his existence as a fictional work is evidence of all the failures of mankind. I find myself possessed by the will of a Holy Angel gone rogue with the belief that God has made a mistake, and I alone must correct it. This is the trial by which Samael himself fell from grace. This wild, meaningless rage. A thousand blades of shining steel cast with inhuman force in the direction of a plastic grocery bag floating on a breeze. What horrors must I have committed in a past life to be plagued by this torment now? I must Unmake this fictional snowman

holy shit you’re not wrong

I'd feel better about this whole rant if Olaf weren't queer-coded. It might be largely the voice acting – the lisp, the inflection especially – but he's got massive "harmless gay sidekick" vibes. And if you're actively critiquing that? Sure, great, go all out. Hate whom you will. Say whatever you want about how "gay" is equated with "harmless silly sidekick used for comic relief, with no serious bearing on the plot, literally inhuman and treated by Serious Human Characters as... well,a sidekick, peripheral to your life and safe to ignore.

But if you're not engaging critically with that aspect of his character and are just overwhelmed with hatred whenever you see or hear or think about the queer-coded character and his mannerisms make you feel violent, that is a little bit. Uncomfortable. At best.

what on God's green earth are you talking about

See sometimes I wonder why I’m still on this website, and then posts like this come along. Amazing. 

me reading this post like

there's a little choir of rats that live in your lungs and when you speak. that's them singing.

You ok sewi???? You're saying some wild stuff

it's true i saw it in a dream once

There once was a young Christian boy who ate cigarettes. Every day he would eat more and more, but he would not die because he prayed while he ate the cigarettes. He ate so many cigarettes that he grew to tremendous size. When the boy finally died, the priests wrapped him in a great silken funeral cloth. It was then that the heavens opened, and from the clouds descended the hand of God, who plucked the tremendous cigarette boy from his casket. It was then that God lit a flame and smoked him.

@cryptotheism how am I supposed to process this?

However you like. But watch out, you'll be judged by your words and actions.

Every day I walk this apartment like a fish in a bowl and soon, I’m gonna get sucked off. Not in a good way, I mean into space because I didn’t even meet quota

banished for poop related crimes

Would you like to file a report

who are you

2. nothing wrong with me

3. nothing wrong with me

4. nothing wrong with me

do you know how many bones the human body has? its 206. we start with 369 when we’re babies but they fuse. wouldn’t you want to go back? have as many bones as a baby? what if i could help you

hi yeah what the actual, literal, GENUINE fuck does this mean

AITA? My doctor said I needed a COVID test and had me pee on a stick that he put in his pocket before asking me to leave.

Sorry i just saw the words COVID test and got so honry i passed out!

Can we please stay on topic here

YTA

5 am is the best time to get the drill out and hang stuff up because it's when the walls are at their softest

my giurlfriend grabs my Thang with one of those dinosaur grabbers so hard it draws blood and i let out a single, violent, angelic note that summons a flock of doves to our windowsill

Sometimes I forget that I really am pretty weird and my experiences are fairly far afield from “normal.”

This girl who I vaguely knew from the coffee shop showed up one day and said she thought her mom had died that morning and I figured she was probably overreacting so I said I’d go check with her and it turns out her mom HAD died but we honestly weren’t sure when it had happened so I lifted her off the bed and attempted CPR and then ended up having to talk to cops and this poor girl’s family for HOURS as she called her dad and brothers and the cops wanted to know if the mom was on any medications or if she had been depressed and I was like “I have no idea, I had literally never met the lady and I don’t even know the family’s last name, the first ever full conversation I had with the daughter was this morning.” And apparently THAT was super suspicious or something.

So anyway that was a rough day and the next day I go into the coffee shop and the manager (who is basically never in) comes over and says “Debbie says you had a rough day yesterday.” And I was like “uh, yeah. It was pretty weird.” And then he was like “Debbie says that you handled it really well. And that you filled out an application to work here a couple weeks ago.” And I was like “I guess?” And he was like “Okay you can do a training shift today and you’re on your own tomorrow. We don’t normally hire people under 21 and we don’t normally hire regulars so don’t fuck up.” (I was 18)

So I started working at the cash-only coffee shop that was patronized exclusively by the weirdest people in town (who had all slept with each other, had no money, and had the most drama of any group I’ve ever been part of) and was used to launder money made by the owner’s cocaine sales for the local gang.

The first shift I worked alone was the next night and when I called the manager and told him one of the regulars had been chasing people out of the parking lot to sell meth the manager told me to ban him so I was like “Hey dude, manager says you’re banned” and he was like “You’re a fucking cunt and I’m going to wait until you’re alone and I’m gonna fucking kill you” and then he drove around the block about twenty times and screamed “cunt” out the window every time he passed by where I was cleaning the patio.

One of the regulars, who was a nearly-seven-foot-tall hacker and gunsmith who worked graveyard in Hollywood, waited around for me to finish closing and then offered to drive me home because otherwise I’d have to walk three miles alone and there was that whole “circling meth dealer” thing going on. I decided to take a chance on getting a ride from tall, dark, and scary and that paid off pretty well because it’s been fifteen years and I’ve been married to that tall weirdo since 2011.

And that’s how I got my first non-porn job.

Just about every paragraph I was going “Okay, that’s pretty weird, but surely this is as weird as the story gets” and I was Mistaken.

ok.