call the party ambulance

(905): ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual “Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ” event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.

(847): Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced

(618): You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

(509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

(970): Just went to jump into bed…Completely missed the bed.

(505): I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD

(704): It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

(573): Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown

(315): I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight….

(908): Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes

(716): Getting so old my power naps are turning into, “can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?”

(303): just walked past a black light…apparently he DID cum.

(224): It’s situations like these that make me climb out of windows

(423): I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight… I was on a mission. Don’t even pretend you aren’t proud.