my mother just opened our dishwasher and said “oh my god our dishes!”

our dishwasher broke over a year ago

our missing dishes have been in the dishwasher since 2013

the mystery has been solved

I just want to add that my grandmother found out when talking to my mother and had to hang up the call because she was so ashamed of us

Today I went with my Mam into the Black Mountains, which are a real life mountain chain in Wales and not a fantasy novel setting. She needed to double check which mountain is which colour, because that’s what happens with Welsh mountains and she’s doing a painting at the minute. (Turns out, she had the purple mountain and the lobster pink/orange mountain the wrong way around. Good job we caught it. That would have been embarrassing. She had the greens in the right places, though.)

Anyway, this involved climbing halfway up the mountain above Llanthony and then stopping for a while so she could do a preliminary watercolour, so she said I could do what I wanted in the meantime. So naturally I climbed all the way up the damn mountain I mean honestly Tumblrs what would you have done. It’s lush up there. You can see England one way and Wales the other. England is hella flat. I always forget. Wales is just mountains from there. That’s all it is. Mostly purple.

Also there were interesting plants since it was an upland peat bog and anyway I took longer than I meant to before reflecting that I should probably go back down and return to my mother. But I miss-judged? A bit? So she immediately thought I’d probably fallen off the mountain and broken my other leg.

And thus it was, Tumblrs, that as I started vaguely ambling back towards the path down, I suddenly heard my name.

Now, I don’t know how many of you have spent time in mountains? But the acoustics are weird, so you can’t tell where sounds are coming from, and that’s why it took about half a minute of looking around as someone shouted “"Elanor!” repeatedly, until they shouted “Look up!”

In my defence, when on top of a mountain, looking up is not that intuitive. But, in this case, it was the right answer. There was a hang glider above me.

“"Your Mam wants to know if you’re okay?” the hang glider asked.

“"Um,” I called back. “Yes?”

“"Okay,” the hang glider called, and it wheeled away over the mountain side.

“"She’s fine!” I heard distantly.

I have no clue how my mother managed to flag down a passing hang glider, but there we are.

There’s this weird fork statue at my school and apparently several students got together and started worshiping it with sporks

Seriously…

These are all sporks surrounding a much larger spork

The ritual has begun

All these posts about breadsticks make me laugh and cringe because:

When I was 15 I was on a trip with Ag studies group we went to an Olive Garden, I had never been to an Olive Garden before and I am a great bread enthusiast so when the waitress put this basket of delicious-sticks in front of me I was like ‘holy shit’ and ate like 10. I started shoving them into my purse to save for later, and the waitress had to keep bringing baskets of breadsticks because they were disappearing (into my purse). There were a lot of guys on that trip and I figured ‘yeah these teenage dudes could be in theory eating all these breadsticks’ so I thought I had a bulletproof cover.

Fast forward to when we are leaving, I get stopped by the manager and the hostess and they ask to look in my purse. Cue my ‘oh shit busted’ face and a grudging handing over of my bulging purse, to which they opened and started pulling out an obscene amount of breadsticks and laying them on the counter while the hostess counted them. I actually had no idea how many breadsticks I’d had in there and when the hostess got up to 40 I was still convinced I was going to jail but oh my god I had 40 breadsticks in there so I was kind of impressed with myself. The hostess kept counting.

Forty. Seven. 

Forty seven breadsticks was the total they found. (I had another two very squished and folded up in a zipped side pocket that they never looked in). They then took my picture and politely asked me to stay the fuck away from their restaurant as my picture would be posted on their ‘restricted list. To this day, 6 fucking years later, I have never gone back to any Olive Garden, because some part of me believes that some eagle eyed waitress will recognize me from a wanted poster for the Breadstick Bandit and I’ll have to explain to my mom why Olive Garden put me in prison

do you ever see someone in public and think “you look very… Tumblr”

today outside my apartment building i passed someone wearing a shirt saying “roll up to the club like ‘what up i have social anxiety and i want to go home’” and if that doesn’t say tumblr idk what does.

alright folks, so for the first time in my life, something actually happened to me that would make a good au fanfic prompt, so here it is.

so basically a few months ago my roommates and i were talking about why boys draw dicks all over things. this discussion eventually deteriorated to the point where we were in hysterics laughing about dicks just popping up wherever you least expected them, and so the idea for Hide The Dick was born.

HTD is essentially one of the greatest games ever conceived, or at least it seems that way to us. the rules are simple: someone hides the dick (a cartoon, laminated creation of my virgin roommate who drew from imagination, in case you were wondering) and the others look for it. if you find it, you announce where you’ve found it and then it’s your turn to hide it. we keep a tally of points on the whiteboard in the kitchen. 

as you might imagine, it has been substantially easier just to hide this game from visitors, rather than explain it, so no one knows we’ve been doing this.

well today for some reason the freaking smoke detectors in our building start going off like crazy in all of the apartments. two of my roommates and i had already been waiting around for a plumber anyway, so we called the landlord and she said she’d send someone down.

and send someone she did. 

shortly after the smoke alarms commenced their hellish symphony, we hear a knock at the door, so my friend gets up to open it, and in walks what is possibly THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN ANY OF US HAD EVER SEEN. like, i shit you not, after he left the room one of my roommates looked me dead in the eye and said “i’d be in for a foursome with that, if you guys are down”, like that is how attractive this man was. 

so at this point he’s fixing our smoke alarm and he’s pretty and we’re being a bunch of heart-eyed children, but in fairness we were also almost certain he moonlights as a firefighter when he isn’t working for the smoke detector people, and firefighters can turn even the most reasonable people into goo. after a bit he tells us he thinks he knows what the problem is and he’s just going to replace all the smoke detectors. so he leaves for the hardware store down the road and he says he’ll only be gone for a few minutes.

we, of course, being rational twenty-somethings, used this time to gush about how attractive he was. but anyway, he comes back and swaps out the smoke detectors and suddenly makes his way into the kitchen and he just goes: “you know what, while i’m here, i should actually check the date on your fire extinguisher…” and about halfway through this sentence a few things start to happen simultaneously.

ash, one of my roommates, her eyes just fly open in abject horror. (this is the girl who drew the dick in the first place) and all she manages to get out is “i just want you to know we play this game and w-”

and kelsey (magic-not-realism), my other roommate, turns on her with this horrified expression, mixed with like utter defeat and she doesn’t have to say a word but we all know her brain is just going “you fucking didn’t!!!!”

so i turn around just in time to see this random, innocent firefighter hold up the fire extinguisher with the dick taped to the back. 

that’s it, that’s the prompt. (i mean more happened, but it feels more fun to leave it unspecific). if you ever turn this into something (particularly of the destiel variety) please send it to me!

hey again internet peeps! so, believe it or not, i actually got a handful of anons about this and, back by popular demand, is my HTD story. 

ok so, we’re standing there with this hot firefighter and all of us are pretty much just staring at him in shock at this point. this was truly a cosmic joke of epic proportions. 

what you have to understand is that that dick had only been on the fire extinguisher for like, maybbbbbeee 12 hours because ash had just hid it there before we went to bed, so no one fucking expected this, least of all shawn the firefighter.

for a moment he just kind of stared at it, literally unable to process what he held in his hand. i’m not sure how many of you actually referred to the visual aid in the original post, but for those who didn’t, this dick is as anatomically correct as you could possibly expect from a virgin. like, ash and i laid on the couch the day she drew it and i forced her to draw and shade veins and pubes, so like, clearly an effort was made. there was no coming back from that kind of detail.

this was a dick with a purpose.

so shawn finally regains his wits and he untapes the dick and stares at it some more and then he lifts it up towards us and points with the most confused expression on his face, and just goes in the most disbelieving tone: “A penis….??? On MY fire extinguisher?!”

and so again, all of us are flying into action at the same time. ash is alternating between this high keening noise of embarrassment and fighting off giggles in between breathless “i’m sorry’s”. kelsey is laughing nervously and kind of trying to explain the game a little bit and as for me, well, i’d completely lost my shit at that point.

i was practically in tears just from the shock on his face and so finally i’m like “you win! oh my god, you win!” and i got up from the couch and went into the kitchen and drew him a space on the scoreboard and gave him a point. now, my back is turned at this point but kelsey and ash are just laughing now and every few seconds you hear shawn’s disbelieving voice go “a penis?”

anyway, i should probably be wrapping this up so i’m just going to do the cliff-notes of the rest of this visit

kittensboysandbabies

I went to high school with a kid who would only drink out of a baby bottle. He brought a large baby bottle to school every day. At first, we thought that he was using it to sneak alcohol or something, but he wasn’t. He would bring it filled with chocolate milk and then fill it up with Coca-Cola and Sprite during lunch. He’d buy a can of each and mix them together. Like I said, it was a large bottle.

I didn’t know the kid that well and I didn’t have any classes with him so I never really talked to him that much. I knew his name. His name was Kevin. Sometimes I’d see him at parties on the weekends. He still had his baby bottle. He would fill it with beer and rum.

He dated my sister’s friend, Emily, for a little while. I had known Emily for a long time. She had been a friend of my sister’s since they were five or six. They were really good friends. She spent a lot of time at our house for sleepovers and stuff. Sometimes she would pee the bed, but I never made fun of her for it. I think most older brothers would have loved the opportunity to make fun of their sister’s friend for peeing the bed and I think she really appreciated that I never mentioned it even though I definitely knew about it because after the sixth or seventh time, my parents started paying me to clean everything up instead of having to do it themselves.

I asked Emily why Kevin only ever drank out of a baby bottle and she said that she didn’t know. They had only been dating for a very short time at that point and she didn’t want to bring it up and offend him or anything. I asked her to tell me if she ever found out. They broke up right after that and I kind of forgot about it because Kevin stopped going to school. I don’t know if he transferred or dropped out, but I never saw him at lunch or any parties after that.

I hadn’t thought about him in a long time, but Emily happened to mention him while she was over at our house recently and I immediately remembered the baby bottle thing.

“Did you ever find out why he drank out of that bottle?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, he told me why,” Emily said. “He used it because he heard that babies that drink out of bottles for too long or drink sweet drinks out of them get really bad teeth problems. He wanted all of his teeth to go bad so that they would fall out and he would be able to fit a softball in his mouth. He said that he wanted to have the world record for being the first person to be able to put a whole softball in his mouth and he wouldn’t be able to do that with all of those teeth in the way.”

What the fuck did I just read

I gave this dude off tinder my number and all he’s done is send me pictures of his rock collection and it’s the best thing that’s ever come out of tinder tbh

J.K Rowling said that her inspiration for Hagrid came from when she was 19  in a pub in the west country and this terrifying looking guy came in with these other biker guys and the only thing he talked to J.K about was how his cabbages were getting on

he is REAL

satanstrousers:

#If you ever come to Chile looking for a member of an evil organization #And you need someone to help you kill them and hide the body #Holla @ me just sayin’ #No but seriously now I’m thinking about an actual action movie #In which the hero is like ‘don’t worry I have a contact there. I follow them on twitter’ #'we talked about our mutual love of nutella one' #'and they said I looked cute in my selfie' #'they're legit. I know they can be trusted' #Everything said with a super serious action movie hero voice #And said to the leader of whatever thing the hero works for #Who is a super serious person who wears suits and frowns a lot #My imagination went funny places

(Fefy’s tags)

No but seriously though.  You know that trope where there’s some ordinary dude who gets pulled into a web of intrigue by some badass sexy lady and then ends up being even better at stuff than the lady?  Imagine that reversed.  Imagine some English Lit grad student with a huge fandom tumblr accidentally witnesses a crime and some badass spy dude shows up and is like “your life is in danger, you have to come with me, and now that you’re involved you might as well help us track down the bad guys” and it’s funny because she’s not at all an action type but then he’s like “well it looks like the bad guys are doing something devious in New Zealand, better set up camp in an abandoned mine shaft” and she’s all “No wait, I totally know someone there who always tags me in reblogs about my obscure OTPs, she would 1000% let us use her place, look I already fanmailed her” and then later he’s like “Oh, we found the bad guy camp in rural Sweden but there’s no time for backup to arrive from our base before their evil plan goes down!” and she’s like “Oh hold up, did you say Sweden, because I defs know someone from there and they always leave super supportive replies on my personal posts and they will definitely have my back, give me a sec to send them an ask” and the dude is like “HOW DO YOU HAVE A BETTER INTERNATIONAL NETWORK OF ALLIES THAN ME”