The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses

no witnesses if youre bad enough at parallel parking

sorry for ignoring you i was mentally dead

me trying to figure out what i did wrong when they haven’t replied in 4 mins

The other day I answered the door to my postman. I was signing for stuff, like you do, when my kid came downstairs with only his underwear and a t-shirt on.

Now, the postman couldn’t see him from the front door, and I scribbled my signature and said, to my son, “You need to put some trousers on.”

My postman, very slowly, looked down at his trouser-clad legs with a mixture of confusion and horror, and then looked back up at me.

When I explained I was talking to my little boy out of his line of sight, he gave a very solemn nod and said: “I thought I’d put trousers on this morning, but suddenly when you said that, I really wasn’t sure.” 

Years after this, I still have the same postman. He still always wears trousers, but every time I answer the door, I’m pretty sure we both remember this incident.

me: i’m gonna ask for help

me to me: don’t do that you don’t want to be a burden

Are you flirting with me or am I overanalyzing all of our interactions: a novel written by me

listen, when you asked me to leave the electricity on to the end of the month so you could show the apartment around, i was not expecting you to run up a $200 bill … 

update: i logged on to the actual ladwp website to see what the heck accounted for this massive uptick and it turns out that the ladwp just doesn’t believe in negative numbers for the purposes of e-mail. b/c their e-mail to me says quite clearly “Amount Due: $201.07” which you would think would mean “you need to pay us $201.07” but actually what they meant was “we’re returning your deposit*, and once we add the interest on it and subtract the ~$5 of this month’s electricity usage, you have $201.07 coming your way!”. so i am a v happy camper and would like to apologize for the wave of spite i sent in the general direction of my landlord

but also ladwp you should maybe increase your budget for e-mail hyphens they are terribly useful things in times like these

*which i had forgotten utterly about

ALSO: there’s free wifi

when u and the squad all mentally ill like me: can you please stop making that noise with that pen it’s making me anxious friend: sorry I’m doing it bc I’m anxious

on occasion, i browse the clearance racks at overpriced hipster-y boutiques cause from time to time you can find amazing deals, but being in Rich People Places always makes me a little nervous– and today when i was picking up a layaway from one of these shops, my nerves resulted in a story the shopkeepers are probably gonna be telling for quite a while.

i’d just come from the feed store for lizard food (ie: bugs), and it was like 95F out so they were slowly being smothered to death in my backpack. so when the clerk, who i’d overheard was only on her second day working there, gave me my fancy sundress in a bag way too big for it, i pulled out two dozen crickets in a plastic bag and a tub full of mealworms from my pack and set them gently on the bag so they could breathe better till i got home.

this girl’s eyes go wide and she looks imploringly back at the equally startled-looking manager helping her through the transaction, and i realize that this might look a little weird to folks who aren’t reptile keepers. so, instead of doing the logical thing and explaining that i’m feeding leopard geckos, i sorta chuckled and shrugged apologetically, and just said “dinner, y’know?”

for the briefest of moments, there was an awkward silence so sweaty and suffocating you could drown in it, and then, in true daytime comedy fashion,

the fucking crickets started chirping.

so i guess i’m never going back there ever again.