HOW IS HE SO FAST?

Whatever else, Chuck Tingle’s work ethic is astonishing.

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

what an amazing story

HAPPY OBJECTIFIED SCOTSMAN WITH TENTACLES THURSDAY!

Also: Suction Cup

Editor’s note: Uh yeah, I think that wins the worst pen name ever award. At least for this year. But yes, what Rio said!

Porn on My Dash - An Autobiography

when those of us who are anti-porn speak about the reality of pornography, a lot of people will ask “well what about this type of porn?” and it just seems so careless, so vile, so disgusting, that when you hear about the horrors of pornography, as well as the effects of pornography, your first thought would be “what kind of porn can i watch guilt free?”

and sure, maybe out of the dozens, hundred, maybe even thousands, of pornos you’ve seen, maybe 1 or 2 of them involve women who genuinely consented to everything, who enjoyed it, who didn’t do it for the money, but still got paid really well, weren’t drugged or coerced in any way. But what about all the others you’ve seen? how many times did you watch women getting raped? abused? how many times were you watching women who were drugged? who were trafficked? who were desperate for the money and had no other choice? how many times were you watching underage girls? you don’t know. but I can say with absolute guarantee that it was far, far more than the amount of time you would have seen “ethical porn”. and that doesn’t even get to the effect of watching porn. 

Honest Posters of Our Relationship with Technology

Designer Ajit Johnson, living in England, has imagined a series of posters called “#This_Generation”. With honesty, the posters show anecdotes linked to our daily relationship with technology and social networks.

“Can’t work a computer to it’s full potential or send an email, proceeds to ask someone a 1/3 to ½ their age for help.” #LastGeneration

“Can’t accept the fact that meaningful relationships can be made online, struggles to respect and accept said relationships.” #LastGeneration

“Has drained and abused the Earth for it’s resources, and believes that a young person would choose internet over survival. Expects us to survive and solve the problems they have created.“ #LastGeneration

“Does not understand that phones are meant for communication, also does not understand that the average semester lasts 4 months.” #LastGeneration

“Refuses to give proper sex education, shames the younger generation for not knowing.” #Last Generation

“Does not understand how social media works and that not deleting/avoiding your recent ex online is just as bad as seeing them every day.” #LastGeneration

“Also texts and drives, pretends that they are not responsible for any accidents caused by their idiot mistakes.” #LastGeneration

“Shames teenagers for taking photos of themselves that make them feel positive about their physical image, probably can’t work the camera themselves.]” #LastGeneation

“Believes that a person’s way of texting with people they are comfortable with is a sign of their intelligence level, texts just as bad, if not worse.” #LastGeneration

“Believes our generation are internet druggies, does not even acknowledge our reasons for being online, or what we do online.” #LastGeneration

“Has caused wars, economic failures, environmental disasters, perpetuated hate based on gender/race/sexuality/religion [or lack of]/and more, pretends that the younger generation is the problem.”  #LastGeneration

Whoop there it is

Porn Is Dead, Long Live Sex | VICE United States  (via masturbationdestination)