The Seder traditionally begins with a ritual form of self-starvation during which time the grown ups at the table yell at you to pay attention while you fidget in your seat and fantasize about the delicious charoset sandwich you’re going to make yourself

Then, despite there being at least five children present younger than you, you are forced to recite the Four Questions because you’re the only one who knows them in Hebrew, an event which does nothing to improve your status among the cousins as a complete and utter nerd.

Then the youngest kid has to leave the table to go look for half a cracker. It’s basically exactly like Easter except instead of brightly colored eggs filled with delicious candy you get half a cracker

It also predates the Easter and the eggs.

Also you may be a from family where you have steal the cracker with out anyone noticing and refuse to return it unless you get a reward.

Though for me the reward is the getting away with stealing the cracker.

Or your other family might do the kids hide and the adults look for it.

Also the cracker is dessert and you can’t eat after it.

And you may belong to a family where every who know the Four Questions is a different language must say it in that language.

Also you have the youngest kid who has a bunch of stuff to tell you about cause they learnt it in school about the different parts of Seder and the Exodus Story but they take forever and you are hungry.

There is that too.

Also you might be at family who do the no talking till you finish eating the Matzah so there is a good 5 to 10 minutes of matzah eating noises and pained faces.

Also you don’t poop for like a week and a half because the matzah stops you up. The hardening of your poo represents the drying of the mortar with which we built the pyramids. It’s all very symbolic

Passover like all Jewish Holidays is very heavy on the symbolism though Passover may take the cake for most symbolism.

For the record the cake is a kosher for Passover cake so calling it a cake is just being nice cause it in like a cake in shape only. 

Although cakelike in appearance, the cake is bricklike in density and texture. The bricklike properties of the kosher for passover cake symbolize the bricks we used to build the pyramids, and also the approximate size and shape of the intestinal blockage you will experience following overconsumption of matzah.

This is why you eat macaroons instead. Stay away from that cake. The cake is a lie. Also, load up on Gatorade before trying to eat massive quantities of matzoh. Alternatively, make it chocolate covered because fuck plain matzoh.

Yes to all of this. Cover it in chocolate then cover the chocolate in broken toffee pieces then drizzle it with more chocolate. Add a sprinkle of sea salt if you’re extra fancy. 🍴

nobody’s going to talk about the part where we show our thanks to Hashem by dancing around and hitting each other over the head with green onions?

Ah yes, the traditional Dayenu Produce Flogging, how could I forget

I’m imagining people trying to figure out which parts of this are facetious and which parts are legit

… and I might be ugly-cackling a little

Welcome to Judaism, where the logic’s made up and the symbolism really, really matters.

@shiraglassman @witch-of-habonim-dror

it’s getting to be thAT TIME

….so anyone else’s family have the tradition of grabbing your symbolic seat pillows and using them to reenact the exodus by walking out of your house, carrying them like a sack?

NOT UNTIL NOOOOW THAT’S AMAZING.

I do remember someone whose father “dressed” as Pharaoh to tell the Passover story. There was a photo. It was amazing. I can’t find it. :(

I've been told you'd like to hear about my Grandmother...

My grandmother got married in 1962, to a young man in the military. For a wedding present, their parents bought them a house in a nice suburb. White picket fence, whole 9 yards. Not long after they moved in, the next door neighbor planted a mullberry tree on the side of his property, near my grandparent’s driveway. Nothing seemed amiss, but if you know Mullberry Trees, you know that sh*t is about to get real.

About 15 years later, the mullberry tree was OBNOXIOUS. The birds would come and eat the berries, and any car parked in the driveway would get sh*t on, and it would stain the cars and ruin paint jobs. My grandmother, upon realizing the culprit, baked a nice apple pie, walked next door, and asked the neighbor if he’d mind trimming back the branches of the tree that hung over her driveway. He told her not to worry, he’d get to it soon. Three days later, my grandmother opened her door to find a half-eaten pie in the plate, crawling with ants, and a note that said “I changed my mind.”

My grandmother threw out the pie, cursing up a storm, and swearing up and down she’d get him to trim that tree or get him back. City ordinance said she could not trim the tree, as the roots were on his property, so the whole tree was his property.

As the years went by, my grandmother repeatedly asked him, ever so nicely, to trim it back. His responses were always along the lines of “No” and “F*ck off.” Finally, in the mid-90s, my grandmother retired, and received a large bonus from her employer for her 35 years of work. She took the money, and bought the empty lot on the other side of the neighbor, then went to a nursery and bought 16 mullberry trees, planting them along her property line, on both sides of his property. About 3 years ago, he became angry at the damage they were doing to his cars, and cut them all back without permission. My grandmother took him to court, and he was forced to reimburse her for the trees at a markup because they’d had 10 years to grow.

…. That is hardcore on a level I hardly knew existed.

Jeeeez.

i love these lesbian separatist elephants  (via throwoveryourman)

I laughed at this picture and Henry (my 5-year-old son) wanted to know what was so funny, and so I told him that in French the umbrella said, “Poop it’s raining.” (I didn’t want to curse.)

First he said, “Daddy, poop rain would not be funny. It would not be funny if it rained poop.” This statement made me laugh, and so he only became more serious. “NO! Dad! Poop rain would smell TERRIBLE. It’s not funny! Don’t laugh!” 

Then about two minutes later he was playing with some Legos and I heard him whispering to himself, “Mierda lluvia,” which I then googled because Henry speaks a lot more Spanish than I do, and it turns out that Henry was whispering “poop rain” in Spanish to his Legos.

Thanks, tumblr.

Time to think of funny episode names.

I think plots come first, episode names later. Like one where they first move in together and Zizek has to decrypt Butler’s two-page long fridge note that asks him to take out the trash.

“The Dustbin of History”

“The Death Drive” - Zizek and Butler get stuck in a traffic in NYC with a taxi driver who is a huge fan of Karl Popper.

“The Parallax View” - A bombshell moves into the building across the street and Slavoj begins to spy on her out of obscene delight. Once he is noticed by the woman, she begins to try and seduce him, in which case Slavoj no longer feels the delight of the perversion and loses interest.

“Jouissance” -  Slavoj brings over his new girlfriend, Lady Gaga, who gets on Judith’s nerves when Gaga tells her how she was “born this way.” Zizek remains fixated on anal fisting.

“Undoing Slavoj” - Judith must do her best to console Slavoj, who, having been broken by years of being thought of as reactionary, Stalinist and so on, comes to grips with his penchant for polemic performances.

“Anal Retention” - Slavoj explains ideology by the way in which different nationalities take a shit, which doesn’t go over to well with Lady Gaga’s parents.

“Ivory Tower Symptom” - After years of supporting public education, with her partner Wendy spearheading the fight against privatization at Berkeley, Judith decides she needs a higher salary and accepts a position at Columbia. Wendy, infuriated that her bb has “sold out,” seeks out Slavoj to help convince Judith to stay at Berkeley. Slavoj laughs: “capitalism is evil, but it is better to be a greedy hypocrite and recognize it, than to try to make yourself ‘feel good’ about your perverse capitalist desire.” Wendy kills him.

“Bodies that Matter”: After Judith finds Slavoj has fainted from the exertion of climbing the stairs to their fifth floor walk-up in Bushwick, she decides to approach him about his worsening physical well-being. Slavoj declares her a “New Age fascist ” and refuses to have anything to do with what he calls Judith’s “obscene liberal fixation” on feeling good and not having health problems. The tables are turned, however, when Slavoj learns that Judith’s gym has a Hitcock-themed sauna, and he must convince Judith to give him one of her monthly guest passes by pretending to be adopting a more health-conscious lifestyle. Guest starring Jack Halberstam as  the gym owner.

“Grindr Trouble”: Slavoj tries out Grindr, Judith comes down with a bad cold and must decide whether she will break her own policy and buy groceries online.

“The Ticklish Subject”: Judith and Slavoj decide to watch Mad Men, which makes them realize that despite their long intellectual collaboration and shared interest in psychoanalysis, they have never actually spoken about sex with each other. Things get awkward.

“The One with All the Tulips”: Judith accidentally pours bleach on Slavoj’s flowers, so she goes on a desperate quest through New York City for replacement tulips. Slavoj has a day at the spa.

Take your momma out

Slavoj’s mum visits from Slovenia. Overwhelmed by the prospect of revisiting a period he thought he had left behind Slavoj vanishes, leaving Judith to take care of his mother. Annoyed by Slavoj’s childish behaviour, she tries to convince her to go out alone, but to no success. Finally, Judith takes her to a nearby dyke bar, where Mrs. Zizek immediately blends in, dancing and having a fun night with the locals. She leaves the next morning, thanking Judith for the great time.

This is the best post on this entire website. 

There used to be so many rabbis in my neighbourhood during the winter, and now that it’s spring they’re gone??? Where did they go? I thought there would be more now, and im sad because they’re cute and I like them, even if they poop in my gardens. Then again, there’s a coyote around, so maybe it ate the poor things.

i was really confused before i realized you probably meant bunnies and not jewish teachers