@tangleofrainbows / tangleofrainbows.tumblr.com
Today in “linguists are not kidding when they say that your command of English enables you to understand sentences that have never occurred before in the entire history of the human species.” (from Atlas Obscura)
my femme girlfriend: [hour and a half later] ok I’m ready to leave the house
me: [throwing on shorts and a tank top] okay baby i love you and you look so pretty
My overdressed butch ass: [hour and a half later] ok I’m ready to leave the house
My femme girlfriend: [throwing on a sundress and head scarf] okay baby I love you and you look so handsome
Me: [after spending 6 hours on my hair and makeup] Babe I’m ready to head out now
My femme wife: [who has also taken 6 hours] Okay babe I love you I’m ready and your highlight is poppin severely but you need to blend that contour in a little bit
Me: [fixing her eyebrows] I love you
my overdressed butch ass: [hour and a half later] ok love im ready to leave the house
my equally overdressed femme girlfriend: [also hour and a half later] okay baby i love you we’re both so pretty
Me: [10 minutes and a tank top later] ok babe let’s go
My equally lazy butch girlfriend: [also 10 minutes and a tank top later] I love you honey but we gotta stop taking each other’s tank tops
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one april fools day, fred and george decide to play the ultimate prank - doing absolutely nothing but pretending like they have
by midday, most of gryffindor house is on edge
what the fuck ethan
I wish i had a context for this. But I really dont.
I was all ready to “um, actually” this, but, um, actually there’s about 3-4 grams of iron in a person, which x400 is 1.2-1.6kg, which is a smallish but not unreasonable sword. So. Math checks out.
How would you extract the iron, though? The more practical solution would be to kill a mere hundred men, then mix 1 part blood with 3 parts standard molten iron, imo. Cheaper and faster, while still retaining the edge that only evil magic can give you.
Or, you could just make the sword of iron, and then use the blood to temper the blade.
1.2 to 1.6 kilograms is a perfectly reasonable large sword. Your average longsword was 1.1–1.8 kg and I don’t even remember if that’s including the weight of the hilt, guard, and pommel or just the blade. Your more classic “knight sword” was a mere 1.1 kilograms on average; the blood of 400 men is more than enough.
This is using the comparatively crappy metallurgy of medieval Europe and their meh iron swords. Move east to, say, contemporary Iran and make a scimitar using high carbon steel (~2%) for a .75 kilogram blade and you only need the blood of about 225 men.
So putting my thoughts in on this… because how could I not.
So you’ve exsanguinated your 400 guys to get the iron for your sword. Cool. But now you have 400 bodies lying around.
Why not put those to good use and cremate them. Use the carbon from those 400 bodies (you won’t need all of them) and now you can make a nice mid-high carbon steel sword.
Now you have a sword forged with the blood of your enemies AND strengthened with their bones.
“high fantasy math” - the tag I should have expected to write some day.
I’m so proud of everyone in this post
What is a Seder?
The Seder is the ritual meal held during Pesach (Passover) commemorating the Jewish Exodus from Egypt lead by Moshe Rabbeinu roughly three and a half thousand years ago. We discuss how we were slaves in Egypt and the core cultural aspects of what it means to be Jewish, in a ritualized meal of sixteen steps, rich with symbolism and history, from the foods that are eaten, to the wine that is drunk, to the words that are spoken.
It is considered to be one of the defining rites of Judaism. There are completely secular Jews who have their seders with non-kosher food and discuss how these ancient myths pertain to modern concerns of liberation and freedom. They are still having a seder, and engaging with our heritage by discussing and learning, as we are supposed to, as Jews.
The stages of the Seder:
Kadesh, Urchatz, Karpas, Yachatz, Maggid, Rachtzah, Motzie, Matzah, Maror, Korech, Shulchan Orech, Tzafun, Beirach, Hallel, Nirtzah.
The Seder traditionally begins with a ritual form of self-starvation during which time the grown ups at the table yell at you to pay attention while you fidget in your seat and fantasize about the delicious charoset sandwich you’re going to make yourself
Then, despite there being at least five children present younger than you, you are forced to recite the Four Questions because you’re the only one who knows them in Hebrew, an event which does nothing to improve your status among the cousins as a complete and utter nerd.
Then the youngest kid has to leave the table to go look for half a cracker. It’s basically exactly like Easter except instead of brightly colored eggs filled with delicious candy you get half a cracker
It also predates the Easter and the eggs.
Also you may be a from family where you have steal the cracker with out anyone noticing and refuse to return it unless you get a reward.
Though for me the reward is the getting away with stealing the cracker.
Or your other family might do the kids hide and the adults look for it.
Also the cracker is dessert and you can’t eat after it.
And you may belong to a family where every who know the Four Questions is a different language must say it in that language.
Also you have the youngest kid who has a bunch of stuff to tell you about cause they learnt it in school about the different parts of Seder and the Exodus Story but they take forever and you are hungry.
There is that too.
Also you might be at family who do the no talking till you finish eating the Matzah so there is a good 5 to 10 minutes of matzah eating noises and pained faces.
Also you don’t poop for like a week and a half because the matzah stops you up. The hardening of your poo represents the drying of the mortar with which we built the pyramids. It’s all very symbolic
Passover like all Jewish Holidays is very heavy on the symbolism though Passover may take the cake for most symbolism.
For the record the cake is a kosher for Passover cake so calling it a cake is just being nice cause it in like a cake in shape only.
Although cakelike in appearance, the cake is bricklike in density and texture. The bricklike properties of the kosher for passover cake symbolize the bricks we used to build the pyramids, and also the approximate size and shape of the intestinal blockage you will experience following overconsumption of matzah.
This is why you eat macaroons instead. Stay away from that cake. The cake is a lie. Also, load up on Gatorade before trying to eat massive quantities of matzoh. Alternatively, make it chocolate covered because fuck plain matzoh.
Yes to all of this. Cover it in chocolate then cover the chocolate in broken toffee pieces then drizzle it with more chocolate. Add a sprinkle of sea salt if you’re extra fancy. 🍴
nobody’s going to talk about the part where we show our thanks to Hashem by dancing around and hitting each other over the head with green onions?
Ah yes, the traditional Dayenu Produce Flogging, how could I forget
I’m imagining people trying to figure out which parts of this are facetious and which parts are legit
… and I might be ugly-cackling a little
Welcome to Judaism, where the logic’s made up and the symbolism really, really matters.
it’s getting to be thAT TIME
….so anyone else’s family have the tradition of grabbing your symbolic seat pillows and using them to reenact the exodus by walking out of your house, carrying them like a sack?
NOT UNTIL NOOOOW THAT’S AMAZING.
I do remember someone whose father “dressed” as Pharaoh to tell the Passover story. There was a photo. It was amazing. I can’t find it. :(
the author of this paper misspelled “protist” but now i’m just sitting here imagining a eukaryotic protest
down with the prokaryote majority! no nucleus, no opinion
@theprokaryotekid I think you should weigh in here :P
hdu mitochondria and chloroplasts are the prokaryoletariat being exploited by the bourgeukaryoisie!
(Could you also do that sort of... energetic... summary of the Seder itslef? Because I Feel Like That Could Be Fun.)
AHH, OKAY, THIS IS THE GOOD QUESTION, COS PRINCE OF EGYPT HAS NOT ALREADY TOLD THE STORY OF THE SEDER BETTER
so there is one (1) vital thing about the Jewish Passover Seder, and it is that you are biblically commanded to drink four cups of wine. (AT LEAST. you can drink more. if u like.) why are you commanded to do this? REASONS!
so you get all 45 people in your family into one room and you give em all chairs with cushions and you lay out the SEDER PLATE, which has:
so A OF ALL, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS DRINK CUP OF WINE NUMBER ONE. you can say a blessing over it if you are a half-decent jew. i am not a half-decent jew and you should give me wine.
B OF ALL, THE SECOND THING YOU DO is WASH YOUR HANDS IF YOU CARE ABOUT THAT KIND OF THING. again i do not.
C OF ALL you get to EAT SOMETHING!! you take the Less Shitty Vegetable and you stick it in the salt water and you eat it. the Less Shitty Vegetable is usually parsley, but i’ve heard that some ashkenazi jews use potatoes, which is… really polish. “what the fuck,” you may ask. we’re GETTING TO IT.
interlude: remember those 3 matzah pieces you had from Seder Plate Item Number Four? yr gonna take the one in the middle and break it in half. then yr gonna take the bigger half and set it aside. again we’re GETTING TO IT.
you point @ the matzah pieces and go “this is the bread of affliction!” (yep, says everyone who will be eating it for the next week.) “all who are hungry, come and eat, all who are needy come and celebrate with us.” (traditionally u are supposed to invite, like, The Poor to have passover with u. SHOCKINGLY most people don’t do this.)
then the Youngest Person At The Table– or if you are in my family, The Only Person Who Has Bothered To Memorize The Four Questions In Hebrew– asks the Four Questions, which basically boil down to “WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS WEIRD AND GROSS-TASTING HOLIDAY.”
THEN WE TELL THE PASSOVER STORY, WHEN ISRAEL WAS IN EGYPT LAAAAAND, YAY FREEDOM, ETC
next of all you are going to talk about the Four Children, which is a hilarious and very mean parable that goes thusly:
then we talk about the TEN PLAGUES; the ten plagues are pretty miserable, and we really do feel bad about them, so we stick our fingers in our glass of wine and put drops of wine on our plates for every one of the plagues while singing about it. y’all if i’m giving up the wine you know i’m serious.
then you sing IIIIIIILU HOTZI HOTZIANU HOTZIANU MIMITZRAYIM HOTZIANU MIMITZRAYIM DA YE NU. DAY DAYENU, DAY DAYENU, DAY DAYENU, DAYENU DAYENU (DAYENU.) DAY DAYENU, DAY DAYENU, DAY DAYENU, DAYENU DAYENU! ILU NATAN NATANLANU, NATANLANU ET HASHABBAT, NATANLANU ET HASHABBAT DA YE NU DAY DAYENU
and drink another cup of wine, to forget.
then the adults go and Wash Their Hands. it’s gonna take a really long time, guys. certainly hope nobody is hiding that big piece of matzah we broke off earlier. it would sure be a shame if the children had hidden it somewhere around the house. wow.
then you take another piece of matzah and pass it around the table and everyone eats it. then you take the Unbelievably Shitty Vegetable and pass it around the table and everyone eats it. then you take the matzah AND the Unbelievably Shitty Vegetable AND the apple-fig-wine-honey mashup from earlier and you eat them ALL TOGETHER, WOW
this symbolizes SLAVERY IN EGYPT in that oh god is it time for food yet.
then you EAT DINNER!!! FINALLY!! IT’S GONNA HAVE BRISKET, IT’S GONNA HAVE KUGEL, IT’S GONNA HAVE MATZO BALL SOUP, IT’S GONNA HAVE HARD BOILED EGGS, IT’S GONNA HAVE GEFILTE FISH, IT’S GONNA HAVE CHOCOLATE-COVERED MATZAH, IT’S GONNA BE A PAAAAARTY
and the “dessert”, last thing eaten, is that big piece of matzah from earlier
oh no. where did it go.
so the children are like “GIMME ITUNES GIFT CARDS AND YOU CAN HAVE THE MATZAH BACK.” (alternately: the parents hide the matzah and the children are like LOOK, WE FOUND IT!! CAN WE HAVE ITUNES GIFT CARDS?) and everyone eats a little of it and the meal is Over.
AAAAAND YOU DRINK ANOTHER CUP OF WINE. (technically the third, but you’ve probably drunk a few during the meal, so. all power to you.)
AAAAAND you pour another cup of wine and open the front door so the prophet elijah can come in and drink it! (and so that local medieval christians can see that you do not, in fact, have their children dead and laid out for eating on your front table. YOU ARE NOT USING CHILDREN’S BLOOD. NO ONE IS USING CHILDREN’S BLOOD. PLEASE STOP BURNING US JESUS FUCK.)
and close the door cos you are letting the cold air in and sing ONE LITTLE KID, ONE LITTLE KID MY FATHER BOUGHT FOR TWO ZUZIM. CHAD GADYAAAAAAAH CHAD GAD YAH.
(kid as in BABY GOAT, medieval christians, holy shit, calm down)
AAAAAAAAND YOU DRINK ANOTHER CUP OF WINE.
and clink glasses and say “l’shanah haba’ah berushalayim!” which means “next year in jerusalem!” (or, if you are me, you politely mouth this and smile a lot and don’t make eye contact with anyone. YAY JUDAISM)
AAAAAAAAAAAND you do not drive home.
What’s even more laughable than the idea that the Weathermen et al. could have sparked a Communist revolution in the US is the idea that the result would be a “unified Communist world” today, when Russia and China were already barely on speaking terms by the ‘60s.
the dream of proletarian internationalism died in WWI.
communism didn’t, but communist states often took a nationalist form – including the USSR itself in the 1930s. (notice that today’s russian nationalists list stalin as one of the great leaders of the motherland.)
I haven’t seen any suggestions for how to fix that beyond hand-waving.
So I was half-asleep, misread this as “i haven’t seen any suggestions how to fix that beyond hand-weaving” and now I almost want to fix international communism, one scarf at a time
On Star Wars, Representation and Straight White Males (via princessamericachavez)
1. academics, at least in the humanities, look for computers with aesthetically pleasing and simple user interface over compatibility with scientific and mathematic software
2. i’d postulate that it has to do with a sense of urgency in recording ideas or knowledge leading to sloppy and quick writing
3. four possibilities: have no/little money; care little for looks/vanity; want to affect the appearance of having no/little money; want to affect the appearance of caring little for looks/vanity
4. to disseminate new knowledge or synthetic ideas; to allow other academics to make use of our research/findings; to show off
5. bc capitalism objectively sucks
(additional answer to no. 2 tho: academics often do most of their writing for other academics in their field. as such, they don’t need to worry about making their writing accessible to people who aren’t already heavily invested in and deeply knowledgeable about the topic at hand. to someone who’s outside that circle, the resulting writing can often be impenetrable, and there can also be a feedback loop whereby you have to write impenetrably to be taken seriously by other academics in your field)
front page of the math exam i took yesterday
You need these @the-lady-mischief
how to increase owl
