a watched nut never busts. or something. i dont fucking know what you people find funny anymore. 9/11.

i haven’t used a bong in 12 years bc when i was 19 i hit a bong at a party that was so tall you had to stand on a step ladder to get your mouth on it & then i called my older brother in another timezone sobbing on the toilet and he asked what was wrong and i said i couldn’t tell if i had peed or was peeing or had stopped peeing and i said “what if im still peeing and i walk back out to the party with my pants on and i’m still peeing and i can’t tell and i pee everywhere” and he took a deep breath and mustered all of the patience in the entire world in that moment and said “i cannot stress enough how much that will not happen.”

hitting the weed pen in the bathroom at all you can eat sushi and reemerging for round two like a bloodied but determined boxer in the ring

conversation I have with my ferret 1000x a day

My tattoo artist told me his teenage son came out to him as trans by giving him a bunch of blue cupcakes and a greeting card that said "it's a boy!"

"That's cute," I said.

"It was NOT cute!" he snapped. "I thought he was pregnant."

i told my roommate that he needs to start pulling his weight around the house. he picked up a job to help pay rent

FIRED

Pour one out for my town’s first stone carvers circa 1648, who didn't know what the fuck a griffin was, but did their best when reproducing this dude's coat of arms with only his silverware as a guide.

hurt/comfort

in Seattle we have wild-caught Alaskan milk crates (only at the night market)

this passes peer review harder than anything has ever passed peer review in the history of peer review

when my littlest brother was a toddler he was apparently under the impression that you could get meat out of an animal without killing it in the same way you could get milk or eggs.

he expressed this as "the farmer milks the cow and then he porks the pig"

D'you think cats get the uncanny valley?

Is this anything

Everybody acts like each new Game Changer is a new level of betrayal and psychological torture from Sam towards his friends. Did we forget that the very first game changer was "Sam wheels out a strange machine and asks the contestants embarrassing personal questions, the veracity of their responses is judged by the Machine. The machine is actually controlled by the contestant's significant others who have been made accomplices. Forcing their loved ones into revealing shameful truths for internet broadcast." And sure, he's gotten a bit more personalized with these, constructing a variety of torture chambers for Brennan Lee Mulligan specifically, putting Grant O'Brien in various situations and then bringing his mother onto the set. But deception and betrayal were part of Game Changer from the beginning. So, when I hear people say "I can't believe Sam WENT THERE" about something all I can do is think to myself He went nowhere He's been there the whole time

in spirit i am a 7th grade boy

It is *ehem* hard isn't it

this reaction image will live rent-free in my head for the foreseeable future

Minotaur is not a species

The Minotaur was named that because he was the son of King Minos. Anyone with a bull head has to be named after their dad, like the Kyletaur or something.

Dyslexic adventures!

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