I HATE REY FOR THIS
I'm gonna be forever bitter and angry
He must have also felt her regret and compassion through the bond.
When I saw The Last Jedi, I was fresh off of a course on shame, guilt, and forgiveness. I noticed that the progression of Rey’s relationship to Kylo Ren followed the process of forgiveness identified by researchers very closely. In contrast to something I read that said Rey would never forgive him for killing Han, it was quite obvious to me that she already had.
To forgive is not to say that what the person did was justified, didn’t matter, or didn’t really hurt, nor is it simply to choose not to pursue vengeance or punishment. (Nor is it necessarily to reconcile with the person or allow them close enough to hurt you again.) To forgive is simply to cease feeling angry at someone and to feel empathy for them instead. In the words of a couple researchers:
“Forgiveness is the overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view the offender with compassion, benevolence, and love while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them.” Robert Enright*
“Forgiveness is defined as the emotional replacement of (1) hot emotions of anger or fear that follow a perceived hurt or offense, or (2) unforgiveness that follows ruminating about the transgression, by substituting positive emotions such as unselfish love, empathy, compassion, or even romantic love.” -Everett Worthington*
Ahem, romantic love…
Step one of forgiveness is to recognize that a wrong has been committed, to blame the wrongdoer for it, and to feel hurt, angry, and desirous of revenge. Without understanding and acknowledging the anger and pain, without blame and vengeful feelings, the person who has been hurt is not forgiving but really just excusing or justifying the offense.
Accordingly, we see in Rey and Kylo Ren’s first two interactions that Rey is obviously quite angry. The bigger question is what exactly she is angry at him for. What does she feel was his offense?
Contra those who seem to continually want to put Rey in the role of the victim and paint Kylo Ren as an abuser, Rey does not seem to be angry about him kidnapping, restraining, and interrogating her; at least she never mentions it. She says in the first Force bond scene, “You’re going to pay for what you did,” which is obviously ambiguous. It could refer to his treatment of her, of Finn, or even perhaps of his apparent involvement in the obliteration of the Hosnian system.
However, in the second Force bond scene, she gets more specific, calling him a “murderous snake.” Combined with her question in the third Force bond scene about why he killed his father, it’s clear that what she is angry about is his having killed Han. Rey’s anger is not just general moral indignation at a wrong committed against someone else (which in this field of study would not be considered an occasion for forgiveness proper). Han’s death is an injury to her because it meant the loss of someone who (as Kylo Ren already knew when he killed him) Rey was becoming attached to as a father figure.
Furthermore, Rey feels it as a personal insult and offense that Kylo so casually (to her mind) dispatched his father who loved him, when she has been denied that relationship and longs for it. It seems deeply unfair to her, and almost spiteful, since he knew how lonely she was.
Step two of forgiveness is Understanding and Empathy—understanding the offender, the family background and experiences that have shaped them, seeing them as human instead of demonizing them. It is especially significant here that Rey goes from calling Ben a “monster”—the epitome of demonizing/dehumanizing language—to calling him by his given name, the name that connects him to his family, rather than the name he took on as a persona along with his mask and heavy clothing, which all really function (purposely) to obscure his humanity and his connection to other people.
Speaking of clothing, Kylo loses some in the third Force bond scene, which establishes some things about the mechanics of the Force bond and creates sexual subtext, but also contributes to humanizing Kylo in Rey’s eyes. It’s not only that she sees his skin and body instead of the costume; she also sees his scars, a reminder that he’s someone who has experienced vulnerability and pain—not only physically, but emotionally too, at the symbolic level.
Most significantly, she learns the truth about Kylo’s family background, which is that he was betrayed long before he ever betrayed anyone, and that he was abandoned by his caregivers just like she was. She understands how his life since then has been driven by loneliness.
When Rey speaks with Kylo in the fourth Force bond scene, she has already reached a place of understanding and empathy for him. It says in the novelization that she wanted to talk to him specifically because she knew he would understand “how solitude and loss could eat away at you until there was nothing left.”
You can also see in the movie scene how her expression and posture doesn’t really change before and after he tells her she is not alone and she reciprocates. She’s not surprised at this intimacy and mutual understanding and she’s not scrambling to figure out what to say. She has already decided (even before he reassures her that she’s not alone) that she wants to reach out to him and that she believes it’s not too late for him.
Worthington defines empathy as “feeling with another person based upon a deep understanding of his/her emotional and mental states.” Their finger touch, besides being the closest thing we’ll get to a sex scene in a Star Wars movie (bless you, Rian), is the perfect image of empathy. Kylo loses a bit more clothing. Their seating arrangement means their faces are pretty close to the same height (more than they are when standing), and their hands meet in the middle, rather than one of them going all the way over to the other. This indicates the deep equality and mutuality of this relationship. They are equally disclosed and vulnerable with one another.
Step three of forgiveness is Decision—committing to forgive, giving up retribution, and pursuing reconciliation if it is safe to do so. As I mentioned, it seems that Rey goes into the fourth Force bond scene already feeling empathy and trust for Kylo; I think she has already decided to forgive him. The vision they have while in this deep state of empathy further convinces her that reconciliation is possible, not only between the two of them (which has basically already happened) but also between him and his family and between him and the Light side of the Force.
Although Rey does somewhat misinterpret the vision and naively assumes that his decision will be easy, as the novelization puts it, I think she is basically correct in believing that reconciliation is possible. I don’t see her going to him on the Supremacy as a cynical, purely strategic move to “save” him and bring him back to the Light simply to help the Resistance, just as his killing Snoke is not just a power grab for the throne. They are motivated primarily by their empathy for one another and their desire to be together. Rey doesn’t want him as a pawn in a war; she wants him to experience connection, love, and belonging, just as she wants for herself.
This is why reconciliation ends up not being possible at this stage in the story, because while he obviously wants connection, love, and belonging with her, he asks her for it at the expense of her other relationships. And he indicates that he’s not interested in reintegrating with the other relationships in his life. He has not yet forgiven his parents and Luke.
(ETA: Although by the end of the movie, Kylo has wracked up some fresh offenses against Rey and/or her friends, and in their final Force bond scene she seems somewhat stern with him, I think that the foundation of empathy she has built with him is so strong that it will eventually replace whatever new anger she has against him without too much trouble. On the other hand, whatever anger Kylo had against her for rejecting and abandoning him has already been replaced with love and longing–i.e., forgiveness–in the final scene.)
*Robert D. Enright and the Human Development Study Group, “The Moral Development of Forgiveness,” in HANDBOOK OF MORAL BEHAVIOR AND DEVELOPMENT, vol. 1, ed., by W. Kurtines and J. Gerwirtz, 1991, p. 126
*Everett Worthington, FIVE STEPS TO FORGIVENESS: THE ART AND SCIENCE OF FORGIVENESS, 2001, p. 32
Beautifully written @dreamsdescent. I love this explanation of forgiveness as an internal act of freeing yourself and the other person from your retribution without conditions, while reconciliation only occurs if it is safe to do so, ie conditionally. This is how i understand it too, in contrast with so many discussions I see that seem to conflate forgiveness with reconciliation, as being one and the same. Rey has forgiven Kylo; whether or not they will reconcile will depend on whether he decides to become safe to be close to…or not.
The most powerful stories I have ever heard in my life involve offering forgiveness to someone who as yet has not demonstrated that they are safe to be close to, and giving them the chance to choose repentance & reconciliation. “While we were yet sinners, He loved us.” What an act of love and courage, & a beautiful demonstration of Rey’s heroic, brave, loving heart.
@vundervooman Yes, that was a big emphasis of our class, that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. I think the distinction is helpful in personal life, obviously, and in our reading of the end of the film which is a lot more nuanced than a lot of people (antis) make it out to be.
Great post @dreamsdescent. I absolutely love it. And I think you are totally right about the fact that the problem at the end is that Kylo has yet to learn about forgiveness, whereas Rey is already there. Kylo needs to forgive his family. Which is the point of the scene with Luke. If this has to make any sense, it will be a decisive step in his closure with his traumatic past and will help him in the path to forgiveness. And how true that Rey, weirdly enough, never seems mad at him for kidnapping her and probing her mind.
Oh, and about the beautiful Gif you reblogged of Rey crying… I had never paid attention before, but I realized that the path of her tear is very reminiscent of Kylo’s scar on his cheek. It turns them, during thise scene, literally into mirror images of each other. Same cheek. She cries for him or because of him, because of what she saw of him in her vision. So, in a way, he is marking her symbolically exactly as she has marked him in the flesh. How come I never noticed before?
@clairen45 Whoa, awesome point about her tear! I never thought of that either. They really are two halves of each other in this moment. Although it’s not mirror symmetry, but rotational symmetry–like a yin yang.
mind=blown
I loved this meta, @dreamsdescent , as well as the thoughtful comments by @vundervooman and @clairen45. Understanding Rey and Ben via their willngness to forgive, or their unwillingness to forgive, in Ben’s case, is such an insightful way to understand where these characters currently are, and where they’re headed.
We’re repeatedly shown the power of forgiveness in Ben Solo’s redemption arc. Leia letting go of anger, forgiving Ben, and feeling for her son on that ship brought Ben one step closer to being saved himself- having sensed Leia’s love, concern, and longing for him, he was unable to bring himself to kill her. Similarly, Rey forgiving Ben about Han, and reaching out to him with compassion and empathy, brings Ben even closer to being saved- despite all that has transpired between them, including his tantrum on Crait, Ben closes the film desperately seeking Rey’s compassion (during that final ForceBond scene).
It’s also such an astute point that Ben must forgive his family himself in order to fully complete the three stages of forgiveness, and allow for reconciliation between him and Rey. We know Leia has forgiven Ben. We know Luke has forgiven Ben, and has asked for his forgiveness himself (on Crait). And we even know Han has forgiven Ben [from the junior novel: “Han forgave his son for what he had done. He prayed that some day his son would forgive him in return.”] Only when Ben is able to forgive his family and accept his past will he finally be able to embrace his future with Rey.
It’s beautiful stuff. Thank you for this wonderful meta! ❤️
@dreamsdescent Great points on forgiveness without retribution, where there is no price to pay and it is completely freeing. I like how it is pointed out that it is a decision, empathy is not necessarily easy.
I am convinced that the person who will have the greatest difficulty forgiving Kylo / Ben is Ben himself, as I wrote in this meta. That, in itself, should be one of the conflicts to resolve in episode 9. How will Ben react to his new found clarity (what have I done? moment) at the end of TLJ. He is devastated, alone, and surrounded by those who do not forgive and still see Kylo Ren.
Complete forgiveness, as you describe it, is also one more element pointing towards Ben being safe and whole at the end of Ep 9. Showing him broken physically or further damaged in some way would simply contradict the message of unconditional love and forgiveness that is being told in this story.
I have done the deed. Didst thou not hear a noise?
Two scars- one physical, one spiritual- from two people Ben loves. 💔
and the sign of forgiveness from his father, given freely, proof of his unconditional love, just too late, the blade had already done its job.
Holy crap, YES. :O Ben had probably never realized the actual unconditional-ness and depth of his father’s love for him until, less than a second after he mortally wounded him, he reached out and forgave him.
@sw-daydreamer damn, you’re a genius, I’m shook :OOO
@imashybear 😊 he was so gently cupping his face, and his thumb was like a caress, it certainly feels like forgiveness :)
At the same time the scar is a reminder of his father death made clear at Rey’s hand a few minutes later.
maybe before the end of the trilogy Ben will find a way to forgive himself... and the scar might fade away.
Luke’s death can be seen in the same way, when Ben realises too late that his uncle is capable of a great sacrifice to help the ones he loves, which includes him, the compassion in his eyes is clear when he lowers is lightsaber, and fade away.
I have done the deed. Didst thou not hear a noise?
Two scars- one physical, one spiritual- from two people Ben loves. 💔
and the sign of forgiveness from his father, given freely, proof of his unconditional love, just too late, the blade had already done its job.
I am honestly still not over the fact that as of The Last Jedi Rey has completely forgiven Ben for and moved on from everything he did in The Force Awakens, to the point that she’s fully willing to be with him under the right circumstances. For Ben’s part, we already knew he was smitten since TFA, so him falling more in love is no big thing. But Rey, y’all, what a mind-blowing complete 180! She totally flipped the script. This chick legit went from “I hate you Kylo Ren you murderous snake son of a bitch!!” and shooting at him the first chance she got to “Ben, let’s emotionally and tenderly touch hands by firelight…Ben, I’ll help you (as I alluringly inch into your personal space in closed quarters)…Ben, please don’t do this.” Like, what kind of expedited character development??? And Luke, the Master over twice her age she revered and had been begging to train her, oh she turned on him real quick after finding out what he did to her new man. She was like, “You tried to murder him and failed him and created Kylo Ren and I’m very pissed about that because I care about him now! Sure, I just started liking him like 10 minutes ago, but still, how dare you even think about touching a hair on that precious head?! I saw his future and it was beautiful and pure!” And then she proceeded to whup his ass with a staff and threaten him with a lightsaber, all in righteous anger over such a violation of Ben’s innocence and trust. So yeah, once in a while it’ll just hit me and I’ll be amazed all over again, like damn, all that really did happen, and she’s, at the very least, falling in love with him now.
i can’t even believe this movie happened mainly because of all THIS
Yup and some people are still like … “well…. I don’t know if they’ll end up romantically…..”. Or they’re like…”no way, Kylo Ren is terrible and he was only trying to manipulate her.” Sometimes modern movie making is just too emotionally intellectual for the general public.
when I think of all the reylo fics which tortured us with pages an pages of slow burn, and here, she touched his finger tips, and BAAAAM
but it was more than finger tips, it was intimacy , and it really showed the power and the depth of the force bond, they touched each other’s SOUL, and if she could forgive him, that’s because his soul still had so much light, enough to balance the darkness, you see where I am going with this ? ;)
The catalyst in the creation of Kylo Ren is the precise moment Luke thinks about killing his nephew, albeit for a mere couple of seconds.
TWO different points of view.
Ben remembers seeing hatred in his uncle’s eyes while Luke remembers feeling shame... and seeing the fear in his nephew’s eyes.
Their emotions are colouring the way they remember things, especially Ben, because he was young and afraid. The brain is complex, and so is memory recall. You can be convinced of remembering something accurately, but your state of mind at the time might have altered your perception of actual events, worse even, the brain is actually capable of “reconstructing false memories” to fill in the gaps and recreate a story that never truly existed. The reasons behind that can vary from a trauma to ‘suggestion’ (made to believe it happened and thus creating the memory).
However, Luke did think about killing Ben and he did activate his lightsaber, that is not a lie. Variations between the 2 stories are subtle, but they’re not just about reading expressions and intent.
