Survivor Support

The other day I deleted the yearly calendar event marking my first college rape. I never needed it to exist anyway since the date is engrained in my memory.

November 12th.

Last night I had a nightmare where I was fighting off a bad guy a lot and was therefore kicking in my sleep. I woke up with my blankets everywhere and my dog was out of bed since it was so much kicking. My Fitbit showed that my heart rate went up super high in my sleep, too.

My dog can walk away. But my little fetus can’t. I always feel bad after a bad night. I have had at least 2 nights where I screamed in my sleep during this pregnancy. Most nights are relatively fine, and that’s what I need to remind myself. She will be fine.

There was a tiktok video that also triggered a bad memory about this rapist. The fact that he named his daughter after me. It’s just so disturbing. That is something I wish I never learned. It’s just so weird and freakish.

Pregnancy hormones all over the place. Super irritable today. Now this weird ptsd funk.

I seriously just need to shake it and think good thoughts for the baby’s sake. Hate when my brain spirals and doesn’t stop.

Even though my C-PTSD has lessened dramatically over the past three years, my body still holds onto the trauma. I have been dealing with severe night sweats since I was 19 years old, thanks to my C-PTSD. I am now 31, happily married, and pregnant, and I am still suffering every single night. I wake up drenched, my sheets are always soaking wet. And I have reached my breaking point with it. I cried so much today because I am losing sleep as a result. I can't make the night sweats stop. Medication certainly did not make it stop. Now that I am pregnant I can't even take my Valium every night like I did for many years. Not that the Valium did anything for the night sweats, it just helped my anxiety.

It leaves me feeling so confused, since I am not suffering from C-PTSD like I did in the past. I am not having those same flashbacks or panic attacks (though I still do have panic attacks, since my anxiety is going to always be part of me). Everything is much less. How is this still a thing.

The plan is to purchase many new sheet sets, so that I can layer them on my bed, with a waterproof cover in between. This way I can peel it off when I need a fresh start. Changing the top sheet at 4am is going to suck though. To be honest, I will probably be too awake after all is said and done to fall back to sleep. But it's the only plan we have.

HAHAHAHA

I just googled my first college rapist and he is going to have to go to jail for evading the police during a DUI. The time has not been set yet. It could be 90 days to 5 years. And he will lose his license for 18 months.

HAHAHA

It really is amazing how people, especially men, blame others for getting robbed.

Yesterday on Reddit my husband read a post of someone who had been robbed in a nearby city, and their story was identical to mine. I messaged them and after comparing notes we quickly realized that it was the same exact man who robbed us. We updated the police in our areas about this information. The other victim is a man, which makes me feel better about the whole thing. Anyway, he had to deactivate the comment section on his Reddit post because of all the victim blaming.

I had not posted to the local Facebook group about it out of embarrassment. I did post in it yesterday after learning of the other victim, since it is clear that this criminal is targeting people in the dark outside of banks. While most responses have been very nice and supportive, I have had some that were very judgmental. One man in particular was awful and another woman quickly came to my defense and said that he has male privilege and does not know what it is like to walk alone as a woman.

When I made the police report, the male cop jokingly said "try not to let it happen again." That's good advice. Yeah, I will just turn off my trauma brain next time.

Men never cease to piss me off.

My anxiety has been heightened since the robbery on Saturday, which is to be expected. It brought up a lot of traumas and ongoing fears that I have had since I was 18. I am more on edge. Weird or loud noises make me nervous. I am constantly looking around making sure I am safe. I can’t wait until I start to feel normal again.

POV: You were robbed last night and realize that 11 years of therapy did nothing to correct your freeze-mode trauma response.

Always fun when your depression comes back after being in remission.

Well, that was unexpected...

I haven't googled my first college rapist in a while. It's been like 2 years since I last googled him.

I decided to do so just now.

The very first article that I clicked onto says that he was arrested in November 2022 for evading police during a traffic stop. He was speeding.

It's something at least.

Those flashbacks sure are pesky.

It was the anniversary of one rape yesterday but the flashbacks were to another. Did the math and it hurts my brain because it makes me feel that much older.

And the 11th anniversary of my brother’s death is next week.

I hate February.

My husband and I actually took a little one night vacation and that was honestly the best distraction. I haven’t gone anywhere since the honeymoon.

This is good to remember. Thank you.

:) :) Singing and clapping really do help! I sing every day to myself and to my pets. I'm not a good singer by any means but I find it cheerful to do so. I make up songs about everything.

I am so happy to hear that you found the strength to report and that I may have helped you do that. This blog is nowhere as active as it used to be since the decline of tumblr happened. But I choose to keep it running for my followers to check back in, or for the occasional new follower. I still have the habit of checking daily to see if I do get a new message. I do not have a gofundme, though that is a nice idea. I did try and make more of a platform out of this, but the website that I made did not work out. Honestly, my tumblr does work out better than some of the the larger organizations with hotlines and message boards, simply because people feel comfortable coming to me with anonymous thoughts of suicidality that cannot be reported or taken down. Creating this blog was one of the biggest accomplishments in my life because it provided me with an outlet and I got to help other people going through the same kinds of issues. It provided me with the strength and the knowledge to fight for justice.

When the mandatory sexual harassment, sexual assault, title ix training at your job triggers you tremendously. Flashbacks. The works. Silent panic attack for 10 hours now.

Valium, wine, mindfulness, deep breathing, and the new exercises my therapist taught me have failed.

Heart palpitations, nausea, light headed, and hiccups.

Anxiety has been worse lately. I have been having bouts of hiccups for like a week now.