Stereo Hearts Thud On

Woopsie another portal au???

In this one Glados is a big ol’ wyvern, grumpily stalking the surprisingly vast dungeons of the forsaken city of Apertura. She has been here for so long that no one remembers how the city was before her, and honestly she doesn’t remember either… she’s not even sure of where she was before claiming this place as her home, but… does it matter?

Chell was a part of a team of looters, who all died almost immediately when they made the mistake of getting too greedy, and venturing too far within the city. Chell survived but got dragged into the city’s dungeons, and has been looking for an escape for who knows how long… Her wits and determination have kept her alive for longer than most would manage, but will finding the sentient sword Wheatley be what she needs to finally get out?

Wheatley is a cursed sword: his main gimmick is that whoever’s wounded by his blade becomes dumber for a short amount of time, but he does have some other tricks up his… scabbard? He’s desperate with boredom when Chell finds him, not having been moved since the city first fell to Glados, so he’ll do anything to ingratiate himself to her. She takes pity on him, mostly because her dagger has revealed itself to not be enough against the denizens of the dungeon.

“Cave Johnson here. I’ve received complaints from anonymous employees that our support of the “homosexual lifestyle” is “degenerate” and “irresponsible”. It really got me thinking and I think I found a solution. So good news! We now have 23 vacated positions reserved for members of the LGBT community. Additional good news, we began a new testing initiative on evolutionary degenration with 23 test subjects all ready to go.“

“Cave Johnson here. If you’re experiencing a time loop in which you’re repeating the month of June over and over, that’s totally intentional. We at Aperture Science felt that pride month was not long enough and so we created this loop to let employees experience as much pride as they feel like. To get out of this loop, simply use the pod labeled “Time Machine” in Shaft 6 and then either kill or save the baby on the other end depending on when in the loop you’re on. Don’t worry about the baby’s identity, he grows up to be an asshole.“

“Cave Johnson here, happy to announce that our Rainbow Gel project was a massive success. We have developed distinct gels in every color of the rainbow pride flag. In fact, it was too much of a success, so we’ll be updating our pride flag accordingly to include 75 new colors corresponding to all of our new gels. Word of advice, though, don’t stare at the flag for too long, most of these colors haven’t been tested on human eyes yet.”

“Cave Johnson here, Cave Johnson queer. Get used to it.”

“Cave Johnson here. Caroline just informed me that I am her “beard”. I checked, and I fail to see how I could possibly have grown out of her face. If anybody knows anything about human-to-facial hair transmogrification, please report to my office.”

“Cave Johnson here. Friendly reminder that Aperture employees living prior to the legalization of gay marriage are invited to use our Aperture Science Temporal Matrimony Pod in order to travel to the future with your same-sex partner and get married there. Employees from the future who wish to return to a time before gay people being able to marry are also welcome to use the pod and we’ll make sure to send you to an era well before gay marriage. I’m thinking maybe Late Cretacesous.”

“Cave Johnson here. I’m proud to announce that our plan to hire only female test subjects to prevent them from flirting with our female scientists has been a resounding failure.”

“Cave Johnson here. I’m afraid we’ll have to temporarily pause all experimentation with the Gender Affirmation Beam. The testing itself is going great, the beam is working. But we’re starting to run out of thigh high socks and khaki shorts.”

“Cave Johson here. Shafts 10 through 14 are currently under lockdown due to a meltdown in the Neopronoun Syntheizer. The transphobes up in DC might call that ‘a disaster in the making’ but I call it a win for diversity! That being said most of these pronouns are radioactive so do watch out.”

Cave Johnson here. If you feel a sudden sense of elation and contentness when putting on your new Aperture Science unisex uniform, that is not Gender Euphoria! That’s a hallucinogenic fungus taking over your brain. Take the uniform off immediately and throw it in the nearest incinerator.”

“Cave Johnson here. I won’t tolerate any misgendering of the interdimensional invaders swarming the facility! Their pronouns are they/them and we’re ought to respect that. We’re also ought to shoot them on sight since they’re extremely hostile and bent on enslaving our planet.”

“Cave Johnson here. To all of my suitors and secret admirers: Thank you, honestly I’m flattered. Unfortunately for you, I don’t swing that way. Or any way. I only swing where the wrecking ball of science takes me. Usually into a brick wall.”

“Cave Johnson here. I’ve been thinking. We have gay pride, and we have gender envy. What other deadly sins can we incorporate? Maybe bisexual sloth? Lesbian wrath? I’ll talk to the lab boys about it.”

“Cave Johnson here. Update: The Lesbian Wrath project is postponed indefinitely. My condolences to the families of the deceased. Though let’s be honest, they probably had it coming.”

“Cave Johnson here. For the last time! “I’m reclaiming the slur” is not a valid excuse to shout out loud the killer androids’ activation codes! We picked that word for a reason.“

“Cave Johnson here. I’d like to apologize to Floor 194 Safety Supervisor Doug Blakely for firing him after allegations that he was forcing employees back in the closet. I was not aware that said closet was a literal storage closet for zombified Aperture employees. To make it up to Doug, he’ll be allowed to feed Floor 194 HR Manager Lisa Briant to the closet zombies if he so chooses.”

”Cave Johnson here. A reminder that next year Transgender Day of Visibility falls on Extradimensional Day of Visibility. The lab boys are cautioning me to caution you to be prepared. Do not confuse transgender and transdimensional! Big mistake.“

“Cave Johnson here. To all cishet Aperture employees who volunteered for the ‘Get More Woke’ program, please report to your department’s OR at the nearest convenience to get the alarm clocks surgically removed from your spinal cord. Aperture Science apologizes for the misunderstanding.”

“Cave Johnson here. Dr. Barnaby from Cyborg Engineering is an attack helicopter. That’s not a transphobic joke, by the way, they literally transformed themselves into an amalgam of human and helicopter. Impressive. Unauthorized, of course, but still impressive. Anyway, we lost track of them, so everyone watch the sky for a mad scientist with blue rotors and machine guns.”

“Cave Johnson here. To the joker who added ‘make the sun gay’ to our quarterly agenda, I hope you’re pleased with yourself. The Astrophysics Department is tearing itself apart with half of them shouting that you can’t make the sun gay and the other half screaming that the sun is already gay. Either way, we’re not doing it.”

“Cave Johnson here. The congressional delegation of Senator Patrick Johnson (no relation) to inspect our facilities had to be cut short due to a mishap with the Gender Affirmation Beam. I’d like to apologize on behalf of Aperture Science to Senator Johnson and her staff.”

“Cave Johnson here. Just the other day, our sign guy asked me ‘Cave, don’t you think LGBTQIA2S+ is a tad too long?’ and I told him ‘First of all, that’s Mr. Johnson to you! And secondly, I actually think it’s not long enough!’ and that’s why I’m adding an ’&’ to the acronym. Don’t know what it stands for yet, but I’ll figure it out.”

“Cave Johnson here. You already know that here in Aperture Science we’re all about gender affirming care. We’ve been at the forefront of hormone replacement therapy since before we knew what these hormones do. You also know that here in Aperture Science we’re all about not getting sued. So everyone be quiet about our role in the Estrogen Cola disaster.”

A nasty piece of work, she was.

Hey check out how hard i ca]

[n portal through posts 😁

GLaDOS is literally the funniest character ever. Her arc culminates in her saying "I hate you so much it's not even worth the trouble of killing you, so just fucking LEAVE. And on your way out here's a full choir to sing 'Goodbye My Darling,' an Aria I wrote in Italian about how I love you and want you to be safe, which mentions you by name. Don't read into it. Get the fuck out. And here, something to remember me by: a box with a heart on it. Leave." to a woman who has literally never responded to anything she's ever said

PREV??????

here we go again 

I think if the scientists were able to engineer digital marijuana and port it into GLaDOS as a wake n bake situation, well, it wouldn't stop her from killing them specifically but I think she would have been less cranky about it

hi it's been a while

GLaDOS is literally the funniest character ever. Her arc culminates in her saying "I hate you so much it's not even worth the trouble of killing you, so just fucking LEAVE. And on your way out here's a full choir to sing 'Goodbye My Darling,' an Aria I wrote in Italian about how I love you and want you to be safe, which mentions you by name. Don't read into it. Get the fuck out. And here, something to remember me by: a box with a heart on it. Leave." to a woman who has literally never responded to anything she's ever said

what did we do to deserve portal 2. that shit was so good and for what

we got to have this! we got to have a valve game set in the half life universe, and its an enemies-to-lovers-to-enemies-again sci fi comedy story about a homicidal ai created to run tests forever and the test subject she catches feelings for!! how is this game real!!!

happy birthday to the only video game ever

people still clown in the notes of this post so reminder that glados was gonna take you on a date and accuse you of cheating. shes not chells mom

the Portal 2 end song is honestly one of my favorite breakup songs:

drawing this seemed really important at the time

I finished portal and immediately went to ebay and ordered portal 2, I cannot wait to hang out with that wretched stephen merchant ball that people were obsessed with 10 years ago

I’ve been playing for about half an hour and I’ve come to the conclusion that I would die for this little sphere guy

i love using 15.ai for evil

so. just like Wheatley then

never ever posting about it again because i’m being good now but sometimes i think about how chell x doug’s ship name could’ve feasibly been “chug”. who is the coward that thought about that in the past and decided against it