an iron-willed fuckup

i think a complicating factor in the "many people are lonely and seeking new friends" issue is that there are also many people who aren't — some people are basically socially fulfilled and don't have much time/energy/desire to meet new people at all (which is not about you, the lonely person) and probably the majority of people have some kind of conditions for friendship (i want new friends in my area / who are in the same stage of life / who share an interest), especially if they're looking to fill in a gap (so to speak) in their existing social circle, which is also not entirely about you, the lonely person

but i feel like i'm struggling with a) correctly determining who is seeking or open to new friends and who isn't & b) not internalizing the various flavours of rejection as being about me being evil or unlikeable, bc they mostly aren't (plus i'm also rejecting people too, especially bc i'm looking for local irl connections at the moment more than additional online friends)

hashtag-blessed that i do not need to crowdfund for top surgery due to the nature of the canadian healthcare system but unfortunately "obtaining money" is perhaps more solvable of a problem than "obtain one (1) appointment with a doctor who is willing to fill out a form"

MY PROBLEM IS that what i am really looking for, more than anything else, is "companionship", live and physically.... i want to go out for dinner and to the movies and for drinks together, and tell someone else about what i did at work today or the book i'm reading or whatever.

it would be nice if we were also in love, it would be nice if we also went to bed together, but i could get by without those things if i had to (i am getting by without those things right now and for the last 5 years)