Hi it's just me being a sad sap because I miss my best friend

Also idk it's so weird because history is pretty much a cycle, like... some things are literally rinse and repeat but you see the tldetails changing, some slight differences etcetera.

And I generally feel pretty calm about it because even when there's something unexpected you play your part and at some point the situation calms down and there's a newfound equilibrium.

But what if this time is different. What if things keep getting more and more corrupted and complex until you can't go back anymore and there is no equilibrium. There's no way of "fixing" it in any way.

What if this is the time that everything goes wrong? What if disruption after disruption the only option left is death, leaving the world with no hopes for the future?

Thoughts sometimes are like:

"I want to do a thousand things at the same time. But also I have no energy and I want to take things slow. But I'm bored. I am also ready to take the world in my hands and transform it completely. I am incredibly angry, and I feel powerful. I feel completely defeated, and I won't live long enough to see the change in the world I want to see. I feel nothing, and maybe I don't care whether the world changes or not. But I do care. I really do. I feel like humanity can't be saved. But look at this, this is beautiful, this is human, there's so much good and beauty in this world thanks to the humans, we can't possibly be so hopeless. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of living just another day. It scares me, and life feels so slow and long and scary. But I can't help but crave life, crave the feeling of being alive, life is so full of things to do and feel, and my life is too short and fleeting. I love. But I don't. I care. But it's not enough, and sometimes it's too much. One day, I saw the sky, and it was red full of golden clouds. The next day, I saw it blue, and there were no clouds. I don't want to forgive you for what you did to me. But I can't help it. I see where your reasons come from. I understand. I do. I really do. And I hate that I do. But I feel you, and maybe you feel me now. And I am still angry. But also I am sorry for you and I hope you're safe and that everything is going to be alright. Everything has changed. It's still changing. I am changing. But maybe I'm not. Maybe everything is still the same and forever will be. It's not possible. I know it, but do I? Do you? Do you see me as I see you? Did you see what I did? But I did nothing. No, it was too much, and I shouldn't have tried so hard in the first place. It's not true. I couldn't have helped it. I would have done it anyway. And I'll keep doing it. Because everything could stop me, but nothing has and nothing ever will."

Like, what was that? How did it spiral like that? I was just- and then boom...

I was laying in bed and I felt like something was missing, like the position I was in was wrong, that there was something uncomfortable about it. And then I understood what the problem was; the lack of my cat.

Sunny always sleeps with me, laying on my legs, making it impossible for me to turn or change positions while I'm asleep. She provides warmth and a certain weight that I now feel as something habitual.

Before having this cat, I had no such "troubles," and Sunny is literally one door away from me, so that's good... but that made me reflect on something.

I had a bird, she died months ago, she had her own biological clock that she followed regardless of us humans who lived with her. We always put a "curtain" over her cage so that the light wouldn'tdisturb her... and that also led to us barely turning the lights on or doing so quickly because we were mindful of her comfort.

The bird isn't here anymore, but after a certain hour, it still feels weird turning the lights on and not having to mind about the little bird who's trying to sleep. The lack of the (very big) cage and colorful curtain that draped it make the living room feel different. We don't have to constantly sweep up all the seed husks which she consumed, and there's a lot more silence in our home.

That little bird sang quite a lot, and I used to whistle back at her and even tho I wasn't particularly close to her as I am with my cat now or my old goldfish, it was still our way of acknowledging each other's presence. She sang because that was her nature or because the weather was nice, I sang back because I liked the sound she made and I wanted to participate.

Now that sound doesn't exist anymore and never will again.

And it's bittersweet really, it doesn't make me particularly sad, it's just something that I know will happen again.

One day, a day as far as I hope it'll be, my cat will also die and I will lose that distinct warmth and weight over my legs at night. I won't get to hear her cheerful meowing every time I come back home, I won't get to pet her soft fur, I won't have to remind the fact that I have to give her more food, water, change her litter or brush her.

One day I will lose a lot more than just that, I will lose friends, my parents, people who were more or less close to me. People who left their marks on me, changed my habits, my way of living.

And then those little habits, those little things I did in response to the existence of something or someone will be slowly lost or will change.

As I don't mind keeping the lights on 2 seconds more one day I won't be able to call my parents and ask them how they're doing.

As some of the places from my childhood, the people, the situations don't exist anymore so won't last the the things I'm living/going though as of now.

And that's a weird thing, not inherently bad or good... just weird.

I recently visited a place who carried a lot of trauma, and even though in many years things had changed, the core of the place was the same. But I'd like to think that I am one of the things who changed. Neither that place nor its people have power over me anymore, I went there probably one of the lasts times ever to get my closure and I got it, or probably I'll come back in a few years and see again what changed and what didn't.

And it is weird thinking how everything changes but also some things never really do. Does that make everything meaningless or does this give them even more importance? I genuinely don't know.

But that's something I really don't know if I will get ever used to or understand. But that doesn't matter, does it? I'll just have to live and see for myself what changes and what doesn't, what the things and people I interact with are gonna leave me with going forward.

Can't you feel the rush?

I do. I feel the charge running through my entire frame, I feel the adrenaline, I feel the rage bleeding away from me leaving something different behind...

I have to move so quickly and predict what your next mortal blow will be, I have to think whether to dodge it or stop it and answer in kind. Will I be faster than you? Will you feel pain? I don't know it yet, but I will in mere instants.

There's some weird emptiness where fear should be. You're a great adversary. My life could be cut short by the blade of your ax, yet I find myself not minding the eventuality. Dying battling with you is, after all, the most honorable end I could hope for.

And so I find myself... longing, desiring for more. I'm dying to know what your next move will be, I'm craving for the violent touch of your frame against mine. Pain turns into pleasure when you're the one inflicting it and I often wonder how you do this.

I want to be able to make you feel the same, I want to see that feverish expression in those optics of yours, I want to see your jaw locking in a frown, your teeth promising to tear metal apart the moment they come in contact with mine, I want the dents left by your hands scratching me everywhere they can.

I want you to ruin me as much and even more than I will ruin you... or so I think. The truth it that I never want this moment to end. I never want to lose this kind of height, this alertness taking over all my senses.

I am having so much fun. You simply make me forget I am mortal, it's just the two of us in this small corner of the universe we can only reach when we try to tear each other's Sparks out of our chests. I never want to leave. Nothing can compare to this, no overload will make me experience even a fraction of the ecstasy I feel when I'm fighting with you.

And I know you feel the same, I can see it, in your eyes, in your frame, in your reflection in the energon splattered oround our feet. You want this as much as I want it. You want me as much as I want you.

I find myself unable to kill you once again, I can't. If I do, then I've lost you forever. And so do you. So we find each other again, forever fighting, just for the sake of it. For the sake of finding ourselves, savoring one another over and over and over again like beasts.

I can feel a smile forming on my face, and you're smiling too, you're having fun. You're happy. You have forgotten about everything else too, and now it's just the two of us. We're so close I can feel this electricity impulse starting from your Spark reaching mine. We're completely connected in a way no one could ever understand, so addicted to each other, we are completely mad.

And it will always be this way, tangled in this deadly dance, pretending to hate each other, never naming what this anger is desperately trying to hide because we would never be able to handle it.

We're warriors, not born as ones, but made, shaped into the best fighters one could ever imagine, and we can be nothing else. Ever again. We're stuck in this form together, and I'm relishing every second of it.

I don't need you to say anything to me. Your ragged ventilations are enough, they tell me everything I need to know. This is not over, you have other blows ready for me, you're waiting for mine's, and who am I to deny you?

Let me make your energon boil with excitement, let me make you understand how much I throughoutly enjoy our time spent together. Let me make you perceive this pain as the highest pleasure you could possibly achieve.

Optimus, I am ready for you, I hope you're also ready for me.

"Anger is not enough"

Why can't I have the kind of anger that makes people take me seriously? The kind of anger that makes me break things and scream and appear big and dangerous? Why am I stuck with the kind of anger that makes my body itch, that makes me lose my breath and my eyes swell with tears?

Why can't it last? Why do I want it to be over so soon?

Thanks to my anger, I can reach impossible heights, but then the fall is so sudden and painful that it just leaves me desperate for the warm embrace that only this soil can give me.

Why does anger work for others but not for me?How can I make it work for me? What will it take for people to notice this pain when neither floods nor fires are enough?

What will it take you to listen to me when my battle-cry or my pleads for help go unheard? What will it take you to acknowledge my presence and to change the way things go?

What will it take you to respect me? How can I become the detail you won't be able to ignore anymore? When will I cease to be the thing you try to hide away from the rest of the world?

What kind of monstrous act of violence will I have to commit to please you- to get your attention?

...

How can I make you to fear me?

Who am I?

think I need to make this post because I'm too messy, and I can't find my own things, so ahem... if you want to be able to navigate this blog, here's what you have to know about me: