I hope this feeling isn’t what I think it is
I love you. What a scary, terrible, beautiful thing to say to someone. I know that someday this will eventually end and it hurts me to think of a time when we’ll be strangers. I’m terrified one day it’ll slip.
I love you
Im just live porn for you to get off to. “Girlfriend” ha. What a joke
I don’t like the way I feel around u
To the first boy I’ve ever liked
Thank you for being so good. So steadfast and steady and warm. For being patient despite my uncertainty and inexperience. For giving me stability and grounding.
For you I will always be thankful
Something seems so unobtainable
Distant. Like there’s a wall. Act naturally? How can I when I feel like I can’t even see your face
this distance makes my heart ache
“When you were with him, I think I was jealous”
How could you tell me that so casually? My heart aches when you look at her. When you regard her with the same tenderness and kindness as you would me. But I can’t stay away. Because when you think I’m sleeping I feel you stroke my hair.
I’ll take those fleeting five seconds any day
I know that he's bad for me
I know that this could potentially ruin me. He's surrounded by red tape and warning signs. But, you're worse. At least with him, I know what I'm getting into. Your soft smiles and smiley eyes are far more dangerous. How much would it hurt to let myself love you when there's so much uncertainty around how I would be received.
I'll take heartache over heartbreak any day.
There's brightness in the air
Something about the way the sun shines and the leaves look. There's tangible joy in the air and it's intoxicating. Something warm and fuzzy has taken residence in my chest and it's stronger than the chill encroaching on the outskirts of my awareness.It feels safe.
Why does that worry me?
Something changed
The painful awareness I’ve always had around you has started to fade. The constant aching in my chest has begun to lighten. Has my heart finally started to listen or have I grown so accustomed to your presence that I’ve stopped noticing what your smile does?
I hope it’s not the latter
If you just asked one more time
Everything would have spilled out. The demons simmering under the surface would have been let loose. Tears right on the verge, fallen. Every secret and emotion. I’ve never craved your comfort more. But you smiled and walked away.
You didn’t deserve to see that part of me anyways
I didn’t even realize
When did my arms go raw from clawing? When did my hands start shaking and why is the room closing in? Everything is too loud and too bright and all I want is to walk away and leave. Any second now I’m going to pass out.
Me? Oh I’m good.
When did it change
Where did your softness and caring glances go? Sweet stares and head pats replaced with quiet distance. Maybe I was content in my oblivion and this awareness was my undoing. Maybe you never felt anything for me at all.
I don’t like what I see
When is it too much
I know you like her. People asked how I knew, to me it was obvious. Your gaze changed. When she talked, something about you softened. Her laugher made you smile and you always searched her out whenever things got crowded. Your eyes always gave you away.
I would know. Mine do the same for you.
Here’s a secret
Sometimes I feel like I’ll do anything just to see you tap the brim of my hat and smile whenever I walk past. The suffocating feeling that has followed me so closely fades into comfort when I meet your eyes. Suddenly I have a new safety.
You make it too difficult to walk away
Honestly it’s my fault
I was too caught up in all the sweet talk and tender promises. How did I look truth right in the eye and still miss the warnings. All of your late night smiles turned into a gauze that was so carefully threaded over my eyes.
It’s my own fault for ignoring self preservation
Suddenly I’m wrapped up in something new
Is it the way you talk so casually or how we always seem to catch each other’s gaze. Someway, somehow I’m wrapped up in every word you say and every signal you leave. My self preservation is screaming out but your disarming smile is enough to dull the roar.
Hopefully I’ll be able to look back on all of this fondly
Without realizing
You claimed a piece of me. Sunrises and salty seas are now imbedded into me and associated in my mind with butterflies and forehead kisses. Hazy blues and oranges sing and remind me of the gentle hold on me you so easily took.
I wonder if I’ll even look at sunrises the same
Thank you for being tender
I always thought there was only one way to experience firsts. With awkward confusion or burning passion. But you were warm and safe. You created a bubble of security and filled it with butterfly kisses and meaningful glances.
For that I will forever be thankful
