i really don't want to mess this one up
this one is good and nice and respectful. please please please don't mess this up i tell myself. but dangerous thoughts of comparison creep at the edge of my mind.
i don't know how to be loved this way
what even is infatuation
within him there was so much intensity and uncertainty. constantly fighting for love and approval. but at the end of the day coming back to him felt like home.
you're different. your love is easy and kind. why does that make me feel weird.
I cannot deny that I'm a little sad
the idea that on this day, it seems like you forgot or that I am an afterthought. I will not lie, it hurts more than I thought it would.
Happy Valentine's Day
When it becomes too much
There are times when everything becomes too much. All of the external forces pushing against the glass start to cause cracks. And cracks turn into fractures and fractures to shattered pieces. Then suddenly I’m surrounded by the mosaic of a failed fortress I worked so hard to create. I am now a victim to the weight of the voices. Baring the weight while the glass pierces my skin.
If only the glass was stronger and lasted a little longer
To feel like you’re floating
To be surrounded by so many people and yet still feel like you could lose your footing at any time and fall into the abyss that awaits you below. To know that at any moment your feet could no longer be tethered to the floor and you will just simply float away. To feel like a ghost floating through life, never really encountering those around you.
I feel like I’m floating. And what a funny feeling that is.
I cannot wait
I cannot wait to be loved. To be laid bare. To stand with every single thought and intention clearly showcased, and then, to still be met with acceptance and embrace. To be heard and seen and understood. To have a soul reach out and embrace mine. To experience the warmth that only comes with the understanding of complete security.
Why did I ever believe
That making myself smaller would allow me to be loved. I believed that maybe, just maybe, if I shrunk small enough, that would allow me to slip through the cracks of the wall that surround your carefully armored heart. I settled with the uncomfort of being contorted because, to me, you were worth it.
How foolish I was at 17 years old.
I crave gentleness
I crave connection and warmth and peace of mind. But pain, uncertainty, and regret always seem to linger so closely behind. Suddenly the two are indistinguishable and I’m chasing pain that so closely resembles warmth.
It paralyzed me
Maybe the tone of his voice or the brief twinge of amusement at the end of his question. The complete oblivion to the weight and impact of his words. Suddenly and uncontrollably, I’m spiraling again. Slipping so fast that even though I’m grasping at the edges, nothing is enough to maintain the balance. Balance that was so meticulously maintained, ruined with a simple tip to the scale.
With him there was only warmth
With him it seemed as if the warmth could materialize in his hands. His whole aura bled orange and red. A palette of pink overtook his being. There was never anything I longed for more than to drown in oceans seemingly touched by the sun.
I told him “dark and dreary”.
On a scale of 1-10, 7 is a painful number. It’s proximity to 10 enough to alarm, however, not enough to strike panic.
My heart breaks for every passing moment where he relates. Every moments where I understand.
How beautiful would it have been for him to be confused.
There are moments
There are moments when I feel as if nothing can pull me from the spiral. Oppressive forces pull me down. My body and mind, two places usually at war, seem to agree. As if they can both acknowledge that they are powerless. Manifesting in my chest and spreading towards my throat, the constriction is something I’ve grown accustomed to. However there are still days when I’m shocked by it’s appearance.
Maybe I forget how easily I fall victim.