Unfiltered Thoughts

i really don't want to mess this one up

this one is good and nice and respectful. please please please don't mess this up i tell myself. but dangerous thoughts of comparison creep at the edge of my mind.

i don't know how to be loved this way

what even is infatuation

within him there was so much intensity and uncertainty. constantly fighting for love and approval. but at the end of the day coming back to him felt like home.

you're different. your love is easy and kind. why does that make me feel weird.

I love you

So deeply so wholly that I fear I will drown in the emotions that I feel for you. Somehow you managed to call upon every single ounce of feeling and direct it towards you. So much tenderness and joy and enchantment directed towards one person.

I wonder if you’ll welcome it

I hope this feeling isn’t what I think it is

I love you. What a scary, terrible, beautiful thing to say to someone. I know that someday this will eventually end and it hurts me to think of a time when we’ll be strangers. I’m terrified one day it’ll slip.

I love you

I cannot deny that I'm a little sad

the idea that on this day, it seems like you forgot or that I am an afterthought. I will not lie, it hurts more than I thought it would.

Happy Valentine's Day

Count how many times we’ve spent together, just the two of us. Now delete the times where we were hooking up. Now delete the times you’ve spent it with your mind everywhere but here

Exactly.

Im just live porn for you to get off to. “Girlfriend” ha. What a joke

I don’t like the way I feel around u

I want to promise myself

to the 18-year-old me. I promise to travel, and laugh, and love fearlessly. To allow myself to have big dreams.

I have this fear

that everything is going to pass me by. One day I'll wake up from the haze and realize that three years have gone by and my college experience is over. I'll be thrown into a world that I've never really lived in.

hopefully i'll wake up soon

I've realized that I have commitment issues

All of a sudden I'm panicking about people knowing that we're together because there is a permanence in that. Once you speak it into existence there's no more walking away or changing my mind. I'm sorry because I know you're waiting.

sometimes it's just so hard for me to take that final step

To the first boy I’ve ever liked

Thank you for being so good. So steadfast and steady and warm. For being patient despite my uncertainty and inexperience. For giving me stability and grounding.

For you I will always be thankful

Something seems so unobtainable

Distant. Like there’s a wall. Act naturally? How can I when I feel like I can’t even see your face

this distance makes my heart ache

I'm aware that you chose me

It was between me and her and you chose me. I know because I'm standing here with you. But it hurts that she was there in the first place. Sometimes your gaze lingers and my heart aches.

should I just be content to be chosen?

you say that you like me

but why does that fill me with more apprehension? Meaningless words and broken promises are on the horizon. Please prove me wrong.

I've never wanted to hope for something so badly

“When you were with him, I think I was jealous”

How could you tell me that so casually? My heart aches when you look at her. When you regard her with the same tenderness and kindness as you would me. But I can’t stay away. Because when you think I’m sleeping I feel you stroke my hair.

I’ll take those fleeting five seconds any day

When I'm around you my heart aches

It starts in my chest. Moves to my throat. There's a weight there, heavy enough to pull me down. Suddenly my eyes are seeking you out and I get tunnel vision. I wonder how obvious I am to those around me. Obvious to everyone but you. It's safer this way.

What's a little heartache when it means saving a friendship.