Dead Soul

Damn but it's so hard to read a post camlann fic... Can't, can't see them moving on, can't read a fic where Arthur Pendragon is dead. For if Arthur isn't in Camelot then Camelot should have disintegrated. But Gods really, there's nothing more sad then seeing your fav character dying and those who were close to him move on.

Ofc life moves on, we all know that. Don't think anybody out here isn't aware of this personal loss. But it hits different in movies and books and shows. The character around which all the things were revolving, and now they're gone and those who're still there, they try to move on, carrying that heartbreak with them. But after sometime, even that heartache turns into a dull pain and not something unforgivable and excruciating. Time heels all the wounds and that's how it should be of course irl.

But reel life hits different! Like betrayal. You can't move on! You can't!

I wanna go to uni, I wanna write thesis, I wanna fall in love and fall out of love, I wanna walk around the campus and read books and use bicycle again!

I WATCHED A MOVIE

I watched a movie

I WATCHED THE WHOLE MOVIE IN ONE SITTING I CAN'T TELL Y'ALL HOW HAPPY I AM...

It's been so long,and I tried, I tried watching anything, something and I couldn't, I'd start one, max 3-4 minutes and I'd just switch it off, because again "no mood"

And it's really such a small thing but seriously I was losing my attention span, couldn't read or watch anything and it's not even short vids/reels, all I was doing was reading fanfics, fuck I know it's so soon, I shan't say I've overcome it and I know i haven't, but please it's such a big thing. I couldn't stop myself from typing all of it.

I have yet to start reading books again without losing focus,hopefully I'll and will rant like this again! Looking forward to it

Why I'm such a selfish human being, fucking disgusting is what it is🙍‍♀️

When I was doing my grad, in hostel my roommates used to miss their family, they'll call their parents atleast two times a day, or their parents will, I didn't. I don't think I ever missed my family that much, but because they used to call, I used to think I should as well, and our calls never lasted as long as their used to do and that used to pain me, because it felt like that was the right thing to do.

When we first came to hostel, one of my roommate cried a lot, others were emotional as well, I wasn't. My brother laughingly, told my mom( he was the one who came to drop me) he said that I walked away without even turning around. And yes, I remember that I didn't. I was excited and afraid to meet new people. And I didn't shed even a single tear.

I don't talk to my cousins, I'm probably the only one out of all of them who never talks on call, we'll meet, I'll behave like I missed them too much, and I do, I love my cousins but I'd never call them.

I sometimes feel like I'm an emotionless creature. But then I get emotional at every small thing. But I never get emotional about big things. Weird yeah. I'll read a news about how two people, I don't even know, hugged each other and solved their matters and I'd cry, but my grandfather died and I didn't even shed tear, I forced myself to shed tears because others were crying. I couldn't.

I hate it. And I don't care. I want to miss people because that's the social norm, and yet, I don't miss any person.

My friends would stop trying after a point because according to them I don't try enough to keep in connect.

The number of times I've imagined romantic scenarios filled with angst and hatred---

Was blushing and berating myself for it when it occurred to me that I'm still a teenager, I don't need to act like a big person, I'm not an adult with lots of responsibility, I can act silly, I am allowed to blush and laugh at funny things and somehow I had started thinking, it's what immature people do, but that's not true, we all are allowed to enjoy life, one life, precious that is...

And yeah that's it, I'll blush, I'll read romance novels and I'll laugh at silly things from now on.. I won't hold back.

Today I realized, now I've no offline friends...Like I have friends but now all of them exist only because the internet exists. *¯*

Like just five months ago, I was going out, having fun with my uni friends and now there's no one.

I was making tea for myself when this thought hit me and I was- to put it lightly, legit unable to process the whole thing.

I'm back here, my childhood home and my parents are the only people with whom I talk.

The reason being, my new neighbors are not really good, all of my friends from this neighborhood are gone. I severed all the connections with my school friends before going away and now I legit have no one!

Like it's not hard to believe that I have no friends, I was never able to establish a good connection with any of my neighborhood or school friends...uni was the only place where I really found friends, good friends and I'd be grateful for that my whole lifetime. But now even they're just online friends. I'm just unable to digest this whole thing ig, that's why so extreme reaction.

I just wanted to rant about it, sorry for putting it on anyone's tl. :))

P. S.-( I hope I'll have friends again in 2024. <3)

P.S.S.- Tumblr is the only place where I'm able to put all these thoughts cause nobody gonna judge me here, my fam isn't here, my friends aren't here. It's good.

only if I knew how to not let go. Look at me, losing people, again may I add.

I knew, I knew, yet I tried this time, as hard as I could,yet my efforts were not enough. They never are.

It'll be alright someday...

Till then...I'll just focus on chocolates 🦆