While cleaning out my room I found a paper that my therapist gave me some time ago to deal with obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Sorry the paper is a little crinkled and stained, but I figured I’d post it in hopes that it will help someone like it helped me.

Here it is again with text for anyone who can’t see the picture

S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #222 (via blossomfully)

You were the only one who truly knew about it, but you left me in it alone

Tate - American Horror Story (via feareatsourremains)

“Everything in my head went quiet. 

All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared. 

When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments. 

Even in bed, I’m thinking:  Did I lock the doors? Yes.  Did I wash my hands? Yes.  Did I lock the doors? Yes.  Did I wash my hands? Yes.  But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips..  Or the eyelash on her cheek-  the eyelash on her cheek-  the eyelash on her cheek.  I knew I had to talk to her.  I asked her out six times in thirty seconds.  She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going.  On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or talking to her..  But she loved it.  She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times at different times of the day.  She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk.  When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely lock the door eighteen times.  I’d always watch her mouth when she talked-  when she talked-  when she talked-  when she talked;  when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges.  At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off.. And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off.  She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her.  But then.. She said I was taking up too much of her time.  That I couldn’t kiss her goodbye so much because I was making her late for work..  When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line..  When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking..  And last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place.  She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but..  How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her?  Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t.  I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her.  Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin.  I see myself crushed my an endless succession of cars..  And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.  I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel..  How she turns shower knobs like she opening a safe.  How she blows out candles-  blows out candles-  blows out candles-  blows out candles-  blows out-….  Now, I just think about who else is kissing her.  I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once-he doesn’t care if it’s perfect!  I want her back so bad..  I leave the door unlocked.  I leave the lights on. ”

I’ve always seen this gif and never really understood it till now. So heartbreaking. 

I love this but it’s so sad :(

the ocd masterpost!

There have been several misconceptions regarding Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – many claim it to be associated with perfectionism (mind you, someone with OCD can be a perfectionist, but a perfectionist doesn’t have to have OCD), many to do with cleaning or symmetry or you name it.

When I did have OCD regarding cleaning/germs it was noticeably different from just being normally clean (e.g. I slept on the floor number of times because there was a dead fly on the bed and I thought the germs would contaminate me and I would die). I guess the difference between OCD and normal rituals is that OCD is very excessive, repetitive, irrational and in a lot of cases very very distressing. OCD is very time consuming and interferes with many aspects of your life.

Why am I making this post: Well, last year I was consumed with intrusive thoughts but I didn’t know they were OCD (because I thought OCD was just the first 3 below). Anyway, a user on tumblr who had OCD mentioned that the intrusive thought I had was OCD and it’s fairly common amongst people with OCD. When I realized that I cried with relief that I was not alone. I think awareness with OCD is really important because too many types of OCD are ignored. 

The different types of OCD include (more info in the link)–

There is more, but this is just some. Part 2 (if it does happen) will involve self care for OCD sufferers and what non-OCD sufferers should and shouldn’t do. Stay tuned!

-Nika (p.s. I have had OCD since I was 7, I have suffered from all types of OCD mentioned above except maybe hoarding, however my perspectives may not be 100% accurate and my experiences may not be in line with everyone elses) 

I have/have had checking, orderliness, hoarding, and relationship related OCD. It's very distressing and makes it incredibly hard to function. I used to literally break down in tears with frustration and physical discomfort when things were not just right or when needing to throw out old items. Glad this post is out there